The Planning

I spend a ridiculous amount of time planning how I will reintroduce dairy, eggs and wheat in 11 days. Planning, fantasizing, same diff. Like, should I start with milk and get a venti latte at starbucks followed by a trip to cold stone? Or should I start with wheat and make a pasta dinner with french bread? See, if I start with wheat I get no butter on my bread, but if I start with dairy I get no brownies in my ice cream. Maybe I should start with eggs, then dairy and then hit the jackpot with french toast!Or maybe I should just make the best cake ever....with ice cream. Or strawberry short cakes....or brownies...oh man, the possibilities are endless.

The things I do for love

There are few things in the world I love more than ice cream. Half and half being one of them, followed by hot, fresh, white bread with Irish butter, followed by X. I love him more than my morning coffee and more than butter. Which is crazy because when I was a baby my mom caught me eating a stick of butter dipped in sugar. That is how much I love this little boy. Which is good, because I have to give up ALL OF THAT.

 Hopefully not for forever. At least for two weeks. See, X has been having some health issues. Nothing serious, but he has eczema (on his butt of all places, which is really, really rare and causes diaper rash issues) and another skin rash on his torso. He also seems to have some sort of allergy that causes his eyes to be swollen and look tired all the time, plus he is congested a lot. I thought it was just him getting used to being in the world and not in my belly, but apparently not. I guess a lot of that sounds like a food allergy. And since all of his food comes from me, that means I am giving him the allergy. Now, they can test for milk protein allergies in a baby, but that is all. I don't want him having allergy tests this young so we are going the other route--I will stop eating the five most allergy inducing foods, then add them back one by one and see if any of them cause a reaction. I guess it can take up to a week for some foods to leave my system, and another week for him, so for two full weeks I am not eating anything with wheat, dairy, eggs, peanuts or fish. Did I mention that is EVERYTHING I EAT. I don't eat a lot of meat or grains, and I do eat a lot of fresh produce--but I eat it with yogurt, or cheese, or a cookie. Hell, I can't have granola bars or goldfish crackers or even gluten free health food because it has freaken dairy or eggs in it. It is seriously ridiculous. No beer :( No eating out :( No ice cream. Then I get to reintroduce it, wait at least 48 hours and see what happens. If nothing happens I can keep eating it, if not it is off my plate for the next 21 months. Damn that is a long time. So today I had an almond butter and jam sandwich on gluten free bread, some fruit, some cinnamon graham cookie things that have a distinct aftertaste similar to carob (puke) and quinoa and amaranth mixed with sauteed zucchini and cabbage. And a shit ton of almonds. And two Larabars. And I am still starving because all I want is the damn little debbie oatmeal cookie sandwich that I bought before I knew I couldn't eat it.
12 more days to go. I can do this, but fuck X, if you could stop depriving me of things that would be great, you already took over my sleep, my body and my bed. Leave the damn icecream alone.

A little bit of positive thinking

Seeing as it is breastfeeding awareness month, I figured I would take a break from bitching and actually write something positive. Don't worry, my "feel sorry for me blog" will be back soon. I still don't love breastfeeding, but I do have a new appreciation for it, so here are the 10 things I do actually like about it, in no particular order, because really, how do you rank superiority and the health of your child?

1. X is super healthy. He is huge and no one can say I feed him too much, because you can't over feed a breastfed baby, whereas if he was formula fed everyone would be concerned.
2. I don't ever have to make, transport or wash bottles. Seriously, a crying baby while you wait for the water to heat up, asking a waiter for a mug of hot water or cleaning a bottle you found in the couch a week later. No thank you. Plus, it is always with me. No running out here.
3. We cloth diaper. Breastfed poop is WAY better than formula poop.
4. My boobs are huge. Useless for sex, but at least enticing.
5. I can calm X down immediately.
6. When anyone, for any reason, suggests that I start solids early, or give juice, or water, or whatever, I can pull up a million sources saying breastmilk is the super food--no supplementation needed.
7. I don't need to research the quality of his food, or getting the right nutrients, or vitamins or anything. I have WAY more time to shop online for yoga clothes, as I did this morning.
8. I have lost all but 7 pounds of my baby weight, and there was a shit ton of that.
9. I can smuggly say to anyone that I breastfed and it was hard and I did it anyway, so suck it up and do it too :) Plus, I can tell anyone that I sacrificed for my baby and what did they do? Huh? Yeah, that is what I thought.
10. I get to go to meetings about breastfeeding. Seriously, I love it.
11. ooooh, I actually have 11-- I can buy clothes with the excuse that I really need them.

Okay, X wants in on this action, time to nurse for the gazillionth time.

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Tit for Tat

X boycotted all substantial naps yesterday. To be fair, we helped because we kept taking him places. But honestly, the longest nap he took was 30 minutes at about 11:00, so I was hoping he'd sleep well. At 9:30 he finally went to sleep and slept on my chest until 12:30 when I went to bed. I just took him with me because I really just wanted to get to sleep since on a good night he'd wake up at 2:30 to eat (5 hours being the longest he's ever slept, and doing that like 5 times total) and I figured it would be more like 1:00. To my surprise he woke, extremely pissed and convinced I was starving him, at 4:30!! So I fed him, and we went back to bed. At 6:30 I awoke and looked down at my little snuggle bug who was curled up next to me with his little mouth open licking my bra. It was actually really cute, and I wish I had mastered side-lying nursing. Figuring he was hungry, I mean what more do you want in a cue, I got up. OH MY GOD. My boob hurt so fucking much, it was like shooting pain every time I moved and it literally was the size of a melon. My bed had this huge milk leak circle under where I was laying and X wasn't even hungry, he was just licking my bra because it was drenched in milk. He was probably snacking like that all night. Now I really feel like a cow. So I got up and fed him anyway, although he really didn't eat, just laid there while milk flowed freely into his mouth and then fell asleep and I still had a melon sized boob that ached. So now I am blogging and pumping away. So my delightful son got some solid sleep, I however, am up before him anyway. Damn it, I should have just gone to bed at 9:00 too, then I would have gotten some kick ass sleep so that I could deal with my engorgement.

Best Idea Ever

Putting the pack and play in the living room. X is not a huge fan of sleeping in his swing, I think it is too confining. He will do it for about 30 minutes, but then he wakes up cranky. I think he likes to stretch. Right now little man is asleep in the bassinet part of the pack n play though, all stretched out and happy, and I am blogging and drinking coffee, success!

Lately I have been only blogging about X, well, he is sort of all I do. Someone said the other day that they don't feel like a stay at home mom, they feel like an unemployed bum who happens to have a baby. I sort of feel that way. I also feel super bored and overwhelmed simultaneously. I don't think I am cut out for this staying home business. I just need more mental stimulation, and going to the zoo or park or mall, while better than staying home, just doesn't replace the insane amount of mental processing that teaching requires. Teaching is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I miss it. Even though it is still summer break, I miss planning for next year, I miss my kids, I miss my colleagues. I love my son more than anything in the world, and I wouldn't want it any other way (there is no way I could take him to a daycare now), but sometimes it is just too much. Too much nothing. What did I do today? I worried about runny poop, I breastfed, I looked at facebook every ten minutes because I can do it one handed on my phone. I just don't love staying home, or going to the zoo, or really being a dairy cow. I love his smile and seeing him learn and do more everyday, and when (if) we have another one I want to take a year off, but really, how do people do this ALL THE TIME!

On the bright side, breastfeeding is WAY better. Like, I can totally do it. As soon as I stopped using the lanolin and switched to the other stuff I got so much better. Now I only use the other stuff when I pump or when X cluster feeds. It still hurts some, and I get crazy pinching/shooting pains inside, like where my rib cage is under my boobs, but not too bad. I don't have to take ibuprofen anymore. Seriously, it is better. For anyone reading this and struggling, it took more than two months, but it really is okay. Just think of it as the 4th trimester of pregnancy (yes, I know that is stupid) and the worst one. No sleep, painful breast, ridiculous mood swings--but a really awesome baby. I still miss feeling like my boobs are sexy. I am not sure I ever will again, or that Mike will, since the other day they were leaking all over the place as I was getting dressed and he was sitting right there. Oh bother. I guess they are made for feeding my son, not for sex, but boy would it be nice to use them for sex.

Speaking of which, I got my IUD the other day. I was so prepared for it to hurt. And it didn't. At all. I didn't even know it happened. Granted, X was screaming so I was distracted, but honestly the part that hurt the most was the damn jacking open of my vagina. Yeah, once again, MY BLOG.  I had cramping afterwards for a few days, but nothing worse than my period other than that X likes to kick me right where I was cramping and that sucked. Some bleeding for a few days and now 99% effective birth control for 10 years!! Whoo hoo. No pills, no condoms, no hormones. Just toxic copper to kill Mike's sperm. Awesome. Now we can commence intimate activities. That is if I can get X out of our bed. 

However, Mike is leaving for two weeks. Gulp. I manage now pretty well, but he comes home from work and holds the baby. We talk. We go for walks. He is usually my only adult interaction. And now he will be gone for two solid weeks. I realize people single parent, and spouses get deployed, and people have worse, much worse, than I do. But, I didn't sign up for any of that. I met someone who would never abandon his son, who makes enough money for me to stay home, and unfortunetly still has a year left on his military contract. I just didn't realize how hard two weeks alone would be. A few years ago I went to Cali for vacation and Mike kept Ella. He had to get up every day and walk her. After the first week he called to tell me how much it sucked to get up every day and walk her without a break. I had been doing that for about 6 months, but never said anything because she was my dog. He realized how bad it was and from then on always walked her when he worked nights and when he was off at least one day so that I could sleep. Now I have X and he can't get up with him and feed him, but I assure you it sucks just as much. Mike is awesome with Ella now, he walks her pretty much every day that he works. When he is off I try to leave X in bed with him and walk her if X is willing. That way my boys can sleep in since I usually can't because of X anyway. Or I will take both of them. The thing is, I can't have a break, ever. Being a mom is just different than being a dad, at least if you breastfeed. Anyway, now I have to walk the dog and take care of X. I can't just leave him in bed. Or take the dog out in the evening when Mike gets home. Nope, it will be get up, feed X, put him in a carrier (our stroller is broken) take the dog out, come home, make coffee, bathe X, put him down for a nap (hopefully), get a quick shower (hopefully), feed X, try to eat something, try to run errands or do chores, feed X, carrier, walk dog, try to eat something, feed X, try to do some chores or laundry, feed X, walk dog, feed X, bed. For two weeks. And then Mike gets back and goes to work. Oh well, at least I won't be walking the dog all the time.

Mother F

So, at like 5 am I write blog posts, on my phone, using an app, with one hand. Usually it works well, but twice now they've disappeared. What the fuck?! And in my sleep deprived state I can't even remember what I Blogged. All I remember is that I wrote about how our new dishwasher fucked up our pump by melting the sucky part, like the part that makes it suck literally. And I wrote about how much I love X after I nurse him and he snuggles and makes lovey sounds. The other entry was way better.



There two parts should be identical.

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Being fat

Everyone says breastfeeding helps you lose weight, and god knows I hate being fat, dieting and exercise. Right now that seems like the only benefit of breastfeeding. Granted I say that as I sit here and pump after an excruciating breastfeeding session. I fucking HATE breastfeeding! It is so painful. I dread feeding my son, which is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like such an awful parent, but I hate it so much. I feel like I've lost everything I really believed in when it came to this whole experience. I couldn't give birth to him, I can't feed him. It totally sucks. I'm over it. All I do is look stuff up on breastfeeding and none of it matters, I still can't do it.

posted from Bloggeroid

LC

I went to the lactation consultant yesterday because breastfeeding is still really painful, and it isn't supposed to be at 20 days postpartum. I thought maybe I had thrush because I have a serious burning sensation after I nurse that lasts about 4 hours. It pretty much sucks a lot, and if anything touches my chest it is unbelievably painful, which is unfortunate since I have a new baby that I like to snuggle. Anyway, I don't have thrush. I really don't have anything wrong. X could latch a little better and open his mouth a little wider, but that is it. Which is good, but it sucks too, because if I had thrush it would suck but they could give me medicine and it would go away. After talking to the LC it seems that it won't ever go away. The latch pain should go away in a few more weeks, it is just getting used to it, but the other pain is caused by a very fast and strong letdown, which is why my one week old only nursed for 10 minutes instead of 45 like most newborns. X is getting plenty of food, so that is awesome, but the letdown is so fast that I feel it. And there isn't anything I can do about it. It just hurts, and will continue to hurt, indefinately. My only consolation is that the LC said I will eventually get more used to the pain. Really? That is all you can give me? I will just get used to it? Now I understand why all of the breastfeeding classes focus so much on the benefits of nursing, if I wasn't convinced that this was super important, I would have quit within the first weeks. Well, 3 weeks down, 49 more to go. I really wanted to enjoy breastfeeding....

I can still have one thing

It is no surprise to anyone who has talked to me, but I don't like breastfeeding. I hope someday I like it, that it becomes a rewarding, pleasurable, bonding experience. For now though, it is an exhausting, painful, demanding requirement that I do because it is what's best for X and our family. I will admit that its getting better though, a little less painful, a little better at it. I have no idea how humans made it to the top of the food chain though, and I get the appeal of formula. But this is the one thing in my birth plan that I can still have-my son can still be exclusively breasted.

After X eats he goes into this milk coma, but when I lift him up he makes this face I love. He made it in the hospital all the time, but now I hardly see it. He stretches his forehead up as far as he can, like he's trying to open his eyes using his forehead muscles. It reminds me of him being an infant. He has already changed so much.

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Dairy Farm

I feel like a cow. Whenever I hold X he starts rooting and making sucking noises, even if he's not hungry. He loves Mike, which is awesome, but he really only wants food from me. I'd be okay with that except Mike is going back to work, so I can't just give him the baby for a break soon. Now, when I know he's not hungry but just fussy, Mike takes him. But in a few days I'm screwed because when he is fussy I'll be the only one here to hold him, and it'll make him want to eat-all day long.

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