Many more tests

It is actually November 27th, but I wanted this to be in a logical order and I just now downloaded all of these pictures, so I rigged the date on blogger. When I first took my pregnancy test I was all alone, on a Saturday morning, and Mike was out of town for the weekend playing army. I didn't want to tell him over the phone, especially because it was so light. I didn't tell anyone. I just walked the dog and then sat around all day trying to see if I felt any different. Then I went a bought a bunch more test. Then I took them all. Seriously people, just go with digital, some of these are impossible to read.

This one was the second one. I took it that afternoon. Do you see a second line? Yeah, not enough to be convinced though.

These ones I took next, the following morning, see digital is worth it:

Finally, I took one last one, after I had told Mike and everything. I was having some spotting and felt like I was getting my period, and well, I had it sitting there, so this was about a week later.

Is that a plus?

This morning I decided to take a pregnancy test. No particular reason, I just felt like it. I really didn't think I was pregnant, but I bought a three pack of tests and Millie turned me onto this site that sells them super cheap so I figured I would take one. I am not supposed to have my period until Monday (or maybe Wednesday, I had one month when I was two days late, inexplicably) so it was early anyway. Really, I think I was putting off walking the dog. This is what I got:
Is that a line? I can't really tell. I know I have read that a faint line is still a line, but really, that faint? It seems like it is too light for me. And Mike is out of town. I really want to ask someone about this, but I feel like Mike should know first. So I have to wait two more days before I can even ask someone.

I will obviously be taking a few more tests if this is how they look. Fuckers. They really can't make it easier than this? Anyway, I am super excited, but I am also really nervous because I am afraid I want it so much I am making up fake results. I know that if I start thinking I am pregnant, and then I am not, it will be more crushing that normal, and I am not sure I can take that. I am sort of in shock, and freaking out (not about being pregnant, about thinking I am and then not being). I want to try a digital test, but they are like $30, so I want to wait until next week, but on the same note, I really DON'T want to wait until next week. Fuck, I hate the army. I need Mike.

Clear, Blue, Pricey

No, I am not incubating yet. Well, I suppose I could be, but I don't think so, which I suppose is a good thing because it would be really irresponsible to drink three Rio margs, a few beers and a martini if I thought I was pregnant. On an irrelevant side note, I really do need to stop drinking so much. I went the first few months always thinking I was pregnant. Now I am always convinced I am not. Since moving into that state I must say I am right a lot more often.

I am, however, extremely frustrated. The frustration manifests itself into all sorts of other things, but essentially I am frustrated that I am not pregnant. This sometimes manifests into hating all teenagers, all religions, all babies, all pregnant women, all women on the pill, all women not on the pill and mostly into hating all people who get pregnant without trying. I find this an amusing phrase because not trying to me means not have unprotected sex, but apparently there are a lot of people out there that disagree and are surprised when unprotected sex results in a zygote. Because apparently not trying to them means...I don't know what. What does fucking trying mean?

Anyway, I digress. Frustration. All of the time. If one more fucking person tells me that everything happens for a reason I am going to shove scissors through his/her ears. This violent inclination also bleeds into people telling me that they are certain it will happen when the time is right. What the fuck? These are the same people who say the time is never right and if you wait for the right time you will never have a kid--because reasonably when is it good to gain 40 pounds, completely ruin a perfect body, halt a career and put more stress on a relationship (or marriage) than anything else possibly could? There is no right time people! Therefore, I will NOT get pregnant at the right time. Or when we are ready. Or when the universe decides it. Or when our relationship is ready. Or when we can handle it. Or when Allah wills it. Ojala my ass. (thank you Mr. Jenkins for explaining the etymology of Ojala in the Spanish language while learning the freaken subjunctive--it is quite suiting at the moment). We will get pregnant when scientifically sperm meets egg, embeds into uterine wall and develops a feeding system and heartbeat. Yes, Virginia, that is where babies come from.

This brings me to modern science. See there is this idea out there that to get pregnant you have to try. Obviously this is not true since teen pregnancy rates are not significantly decreasing. People get pregnant all the time without trying. With that being said, there are significant amounts of people like me out there, who depend on instant gratification and want a fetus NOW! So, they do what is called charting. They write down EVERYTHING to see if they can predict when they ovulate. See, pregnancy depends on ovulation, and you have a much higher chance of getting pregnant if you have sex during ovulation, although many people get pregnant outside of that time frame. This assumes that everything is medically okay other than timing. Theoretically you ovulate two weeks before your period, which is freaken awesome if you have a consistent period. Then it is just basic math. Luckily, I could create my own fucking calendar company based on my cycle so counting back two weeks should be easy. And it is. Except I am not pregnant. So either I do not ovulate on the day I think I do or something else is wrong. Lets hope it is ovulating on a different day, because that is much easier to fix that other issues. So, I have two options. Chart or pee. Charting entails writing down my basal body temperature every day and then looking back on it to see a spike (which only tells you after the fact that you ovulated) and keeping track of my cervical mucus. Sounds like super fun to me. The other way to dish out $50 and buy an over the counter ovulation predictor kit. Guess what one I chose? So now, for a month, I get to pee on a stick and see if I ovulate. If I do, yeah, have sex, make baby. If not, I will email my Dr. and say I know it has not been a year yet, but I am not ovulating. Maybe she will be in a good mood and see me or tell me what I can do to hurry along my ovulation cycle. If it says I am ovulating, and it is at the same time that I think it is, I will email her that. If I ovulate at a different time I suppose Mike and I will try to have a baby on that schedule for a few months and hope.

So, essentially I am heavily in the science part of baby making. I am not going to pray, or wait for the right time, or believe it happens for a reason. I am going to pee on a stick and see if I can manage a little smiley face and two weeks later a plus sign. In the meantime, I will try to not actually commit any violent crimes.


PS--Let's not forget how ridiculously expensive pregnancy tests are either--since those run about $7 a pop. That is a lot of money to pee on is all I am saying.

Dissappointed

There have been five times I could have been pregnant. I have taken pregnancy tests four out of those five times because I am neurotic and I cannot wait the seven hours to see (or I cannot do basic math like yesterday--when I thought I was late, but I was just reading the calendar wrong). I am not sure how many negative lines I can look at without going insane, and I don't ever have the patience to just wait and see. Here is to another month of being racked with guilt every time I drink and being so stressed that not drinking isn't really an option.

ER Fun

On Sunday night I had to go to the ER. I tried all day to not go to Urgent Care and to just go to the doctor first thing on Monday, but I couldn't handle the immense pain and went to the hospital (coincidentally, it will be the same hospital that I will deliver the ever illusive baby). I felt like I was dying. Earlier in the day I had signs of a bladder infection. These are pretty regular with me, so I am good at self-diagnosis. However, as the night went on I grew really concerned. I felt like I had the worst cramps of my life mixed with one hell of a bladder infection. I was in tears it was so bad. I have no idea what could possibly cause pain like that. I tried looking it up online to no avail. I couldn't find anything about cramps that are two weeks too early and a bladder infection complication. Regardless, we arrived at the hospital where I was seen by a doctor that was younger than me (although awesome) who I told everything. Normally I am shy about such things, so either I am growing up or I was in too much pain to care, but I used anatomically correct body parts in front of my boyfriend to a doctor younger than me, and I didn't care. I guess it will be good practice when I actually have to give birth. I told Dr. Youngpants that I was trying to get pregnant (which totally explains the bladder infection feeling) so he said he would do a pregnancy test. I was (well, am) convinced that something was wrong with my baby parts, either there was a baby and something went wrong, or there still is a baby but something is wrong. I don't know. I just feel like there is, although I have no evidence or medical expertize and have never been pregnant. Dr. Youngpants only took a urine sample and said that I had a bacterial infection, diagnosed as a kidney infection (who the hell gets a kidney infection in less than 24 hours?!) and told me I wasn't pregnant. Here is the thing, it was only 5 days after my scheduled ovulation, and he didn't do a blood test. Can a hospital urine test really be that much better than an at home urine test? Because if so, they really need to work on making that available to everyone, since it is only urine. If not, can I still be pregnant? It is depressing enough to not be pregnant for sure for two weeks while trying and then spending two weeks waiting to test, but at this point it is 6 weeks in a row with a mere 5 days of thinking that I may be pregnant. Eff this whole thing, how the hell do teenagers get pregnant the first time they have sex while on birth control and I can't even get pregnant with intentional timing and charting and a kick ass sex life? Really?

Waiting

It is miserable to have to wait for a pregnancy test. I don't feel pregnant. Does that mean anything? Does anyone feel pregnant? I have read a ton of articles essentially saying that no one thinks that it is real until they 1) see the ultra sound, 2) feel the baby move, 3) give birth. That flat out sucks. I don't want to wait, and I want to be pregnant and I am stamping my feet about it. Urg, Urg, Urg!

Not Yet Incubating

I am not pregnant yet. I had this idea that it would be super easy, super fast and happen romantically on my perfect trip to Europe. Although the trip was awesome, it was not perfect and a baby was not conceived. I was not prepared for how utterly devastating that would feel. Perhaps it is a bit dramatic, but it was devastating. I had assumed it would just happen, in fact I was honestly very concerned that it would happen too early and I would be pregnant in May. Now it is going to be July, or August, or gulp, September. Please just let it be July. On top of all of that, and this is TMI so you may want to skip to the next paragraph, getting your period really sucks when you aren't on the pill anymore. Not that on the pill is it great or whatever, but I had sort of forgotten how bad cramps really are and how long this damn thing last. I miss my birth control pills so much right now. Plus, hormonally, the pill totally regulates everything. So not being on the pill makes me emotionally, shall we say, sensitive? Crazy may be more accurate. Therefore, I get all psyched right before my period thinking that I am pregnant, then I am not and it is a crushing reality paired with irrational emotions due to hormones. Fun times.

Anyway, my friend Amber is pregnant, her baby is due in October. This weekend I went to her baby shower and although slightly overcome with jealousy, I had a good time. It was a really nice: party with games that were not offensive or obnoxious, which is a plus, yummy cake, nice people. Yet, based on a conversation with Allison, another great friend, we have decided that our showers will have alcohol. Not like lots, but a nice punch or maybe mimosas. I am not sure how I will hack that since you don't get to throw your own party, but that is the plan. Allison is trying to get pregnant too, but she doesn't know that I am. No one really knows. It is hard enough to deal with not being pregnant without the world asking and commenting. Everyone who knows, which I can count on one hand (well, two hands I guess if parents count as two people) have already asked if I am pregnant or made a comment about it. Which I don't mind, that is why those people know, but still, if I had to facebook about it or something I may die. I am not sure why anyone tells before they are actually pregnant, although I know waiting 12-14 weeks will also be miserable when I am pregnant. Anyway, I digress. The baby shower. It was nice with tents and cake and games. I like the "decorate a onesy" activity. I also made this adorable card for Amber that I love.

Omega 3s

Today I took my fish oil capsule. This is disgusting. I am not a fan of fish or their oils. However, after doing much research, I decided it was worth it. I am not actually going to start eating fish, so I guess the capsules will have to work. It is supposed to help with concentration and various other non-baby things too, so hopefully it is beneficial for me anyway.

Today was also my last birth control pill. I am officially off the pill now. Oh geez, this is real, isn't it?