Best Idea Ever

Putting the pack and play in the living room. X is not a huge fan of sleeping in his swing, I think it is too confining. He will do it for about 30 minutes, but then he wakes up cranky. I think he likes to stretch. Right now little man is asleep in the bassinet part of the pack n play though, all stretched out and happy, and I am blogging and drinking coffee, success!

Lately I have been only blogging about X, well, he is sort of all I do. Someone said the other day that they don't feel like a stay at home mom, they feel like an unemployed bum who happens to have a baby. I sort of feel that way. I also feel super bored and overwhelmed simultaneously. I don't think I am cut out for this staying home business. I just need more mental stimulation, and going to the zoo or park or mall, while better than staying home, just doesn't replace the insane amount of mental processing that teaching requires. Teaching is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I miss it. Even though it is still summer break, I miss planning for next year, I miss my kids, I miss my colleagues. I love my son more than anything in the world, and I wouldn't want it any other way (there is no way I could take him to a daycare now), but sometimes it is just too much. Too much nothing. What did I do today? I worried about runny poop, I breastfed, I looked at facebook every ten minutes because I can do it one handed on my phone. I just don't love staying home, or going to the zoo, or really being a dairy cow. I love his smile and seeing him learn and do more everyday, and when (if) we have another one I want to take a year off, but really, how do people do this ALL THE TIME!

On the bright side, breastfeeding is WAY better. Like, I can totally do it. As soon as I stopped using the lanolin and switched to the other stuff I got so much better. Now I only use the other stuff when I pump or when X cluster feeds. It still hurts some, and I get crazy pinching/shooting pains inside, like where my rib cage is under my boobs, but not too bad. I don't have to take ibuprofen anymore. Seriously, it is better. For anyone reading this and struggling, it took more than two months, but it really is okay. Just think of it as the 4th trimester of pregnancy (yes, I know that is stupid) and the worst one. No sleep, painful breast, ridiculous mood swings--but a really awesome baby. I still miss feeling like my boobs are sexy. I am not sure I ever will again, or that Mike will, since the other day they were leaking all over the place as I was getting dressed and he was sitting right there. Oh bother. I guess they are made for feeding my son, not for sex, but boy would it be nice to use them for sex.

Speaking of which, I got my IUD the other day. I was so prepared for it to hurt. And it didn't. At all. I didn't even know it happened. Granted, X was screaming so I was distracted, but honestly the part that hurt the most was the damn jacking open of my vagina. Yeah, once again, MY BLOG.  I had cramping afterwards for a few days, but nothing worse than my period other than that X likes to kick me right where I was cramping and that sucked. Some bleeding for a few days and now 99% effective birth control for 10 years!! Whoo hoo. No pills, no condoms, no hormones. Just toxic copper to kill Mike's sperm. Awesome. Now we can commence intimate activities. That is if I can get X out of our bed. 

However, Mike is leaving for two weeks. Gulp. I manage now pretty well, but he comes home from work and holds the baby. We talk. We go for walks. He is usually my only adult interaction. And now he will be gone for two solid weeks. I realize people single parent, and spouses get deployed, and people have worse, much worse, than I do. But, I didn't sign up for any of that. I met someone who would never abandon his son, who makes enough money for me to stay home, and unfortunetly still has a year left on his military contract. I just didn't realize how hard two weeks alone would be. A few years ago I went to Cali for vacation and Mike kept Ella. He had to get up every day and walk her. After the first week he called to tell me how much it sucked to get up every day and walk her without a break. I had been doing that for about 6 months, but never said anything because she was my dog. He realized how bad it was and from then on always walked her when he worked nights and when he was off at least one day so that I could sleep. Now I have X and he can't get up with him and feed him, but I assure you it sucks just as much. Mike is awesome with Ella now, he walks her pretty much every day that he works. When he is off I try to leave X in bed with him and walk her if X is willing. That way my boys can sleep in since I usually can't because of X anyway. Or I will take both of them. The thing is, I can't have a break, ever. Being a mom is just different than being a dad, at least if you breastfeed. Anyway, now I have to walk the dog and take care of X. I can't just leave him in bed. Or take the dog out in the evening when Mike gets home. Nope, it will be get up, feed X, put him in a carrier (our stroller is broken) take the dog out, come home, make coffee, bathe X, put him down for a nap (hopefully), get a quick shower (hopefully), feed X, try to eat something, try to run errands or do chores, feed X, carrier, walk dog, try to eat something, feed X, try to do some chores or laundry, feed X, walk dog, feed X, bed. For two weeks. And then Mike gets back and goes to work. Oh well, at least I won't be walking the dog all the time.

First Pro Sport

On Thursday we went to the Rockies game to celebrate John and Kara's upcoming nuptials. I thought it was a fun way to spend the day and Otto was going to be there too. I was wrong. There are many reasons why taking an 8 week old to a Rockies game is a bad idea. Foremost, Coors Field is in LoDo. There is NO parking in LoDo, ever. So we parked about 10 blocks away for the price of $20. I loaded X into the Ergo and traipsed across Denver in 95 degree weather. That is reason number too, Denver is HOT in the summer. Like really hot. Strapping a 14 pound baby in a black carrier to my chest was brilliant. Then there is the issue of X and noise. He doesn't care for it. The game had HORRIBLE umping, so there was a lot of yelling and he got upset. He also didn't nap. Mostly because he was probably hungry. Why? Because breastfeeding is hard for me. Breastfeeding in sunlight in 95 degree weather in the upper stands of Coors Field was almost impossible and X was not having it. He just wouldn't, or maybe couldn't, do it. So we spent the rest of the evening nursing and sleeping in the cool of the house. He went to sleep finally around 6:00 and didn't get up until 8 the next morning, just waking to nurse every 2 hours. It just wasn't fun. Maybe if Mike was there too it would have helped, because by the time we left, only 2 hours after finally getting into the stadium (will call gave my ticket to someone else, no idea how that happened but it took an extra 30 minutes to just get the fuck inside) we walked back to the car. But X would not go into the Ergo, so I had to carry him, facing out, all the way back to the car, which was parked outside the Rescue Mission which I think serves dinner at 6:00, it was almost 5:00 so the line was already forming. Awesome. Maybe next year....

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The Good

We had our 38 week appointment on Monday. According to my date it was actually 39 weeks, which is exactly where the baby measured. I have to say, I love my doctor. He explains everything in detail and really takes time to talk to us. Plus, since he is older, I feel like he has more faith in my ability to know what is going on and is less dependent on medical interventions. Essentially, I got out having an internal exam because he agreed that is means absolutely nothing. He also did a non-stress test to measure the baby’s reaction or movements, which X aced. So we don’t have to go back until May 31^st, which puts me at 41 weeks. If we don’t have a baby by then we will need to schedule an induction. Come on baby!

We also went to our baby class on Wednesday. The baby’s head is complete engaged! I can go into labor at any time. I also learned more about vaccination schedules, baby wearing and some other stuff. I just like baby classes, it makes me feel so much more prepared.

The Bad

I still don’t have a baby, and there is a definite possibility that I will go past my due date. Some people may see this as a good thing, but I don’t. Since the baby dropped I am in significant pain and working is very hard—as is putting on socks, walking, peeing and essentially doing anything. I am exhausted to a whole new degree. I am also getting nervous about going over and having to try some alternative means to avoid induction—like castor oil, nipple stimulation and god knows what else. I am also having WAY more mood swings, some of which I swear is hormonal, but some of which is just because I am stressed and tired and really sick of being pregnant.

The Ugly

I think I have been losing my mucus plug since the baby dropped on Saturday. I have never been so excited about something so gross before. I am also not sure, since I have never done this before and I really don’t want to call anyone and ask them what their mucus plug looked like and compare it to my own. I did finally break down and admit that I will need pads, which is a good thing since I will apparently bleed excessively for quite some time.

I am also (hopefully unnecessarily) paranoid about breastfeeding. My chest has not gotten any bigger (which makes me a very unattractive pregnant lady). They say it is a sign that something could be wrong if you breast size doesn’t change while pregnant, even though if you are small breasted it is fine. I am not small breasted, but they haven’t changed really. My rib cage has gotten a lot bigger so I had to get new bras, but that is it. I just really want to breastfeed, and financially, we need to.

Please let me have a baby tonight. Please.

1 Week

I am one week from my due date, 10 days from the doctor's due date. I guess it is good that the doctor's due date is further out, because X seems to like my belly a little too much.

We have a doctor's appointment today. I still really want a natural birth, so even though I am dying to have the baby, or just know what the hell is going on with him, I need to insist on not having an internal exam. Luckily, my doctor doesn't even start internal exams until 38 weeks and we had to push our appointment back a little because of Mike's schedule, so hopefully this will be the only time I have to convince the doctor, and myself, that I don't need one. Internal exams measure the dialiation of the cervix and the effacement. Unfortunately, those numbers mean absolutely nothing until you are in active labor. You can walk around 3 cm dilated and fully effaced for weeks, and you can go from 0 to 10 in a few hours (neither option is great). It isn't a predictor of labor, it just shows that thus far something, or nothing, has happened. And I am damned curious. But I have to keep repeating, it doesn't really matter. Plus, I would be slightly horrified if I was not at least partially effaced and a little dilated, and I am already starting to get really discouraged, so it is probably better to not take that chance.

The problem with internal exams is two fold, one is that you increase the bacterial levels near your cervix. Yes, of course, my doctor wears gloves, but there is all sorts of nasty bacteria around the bottom of the vagina that gets pushed up and left near the cervix. If it is effaced or dilated it can just chill there, or if it is inflamed it can cause an infection. Not what you want to do before giving birth. The second thing it can do is disrupt the amniotic sack and cause your water to break, or weaken it so that it breaks sooner. I am torn on this being a negative because it would mean that I would have a baby one way or another in 24 hours. That is the bad side though, one way or another. Once the sack is ruptured there is no going back, and if the baby doesn't make progress they will push medical interventions, which can lead to c-section. Now, it can also cause labor to progress faster or even start. So it is a toss up. But as Mike pointed out, the chance of it starting labor is not nearly worth the risk of pitocin and/or a c-section. I don't even want my water to break until I am in active labor. Transition or even pushing would be a good time. That is when my mom's water broke with both of us, so it sped up labor at the most uncomfortable time, leading to a quick delivery. That sounds ideal to me. Yet, every time I get out of bed, I am disappointed that I am not drenched in amniotic fluid, I am not going to lie.

For the last week there have been some noticeable changes. One is that I have felt a hell of a lot better. I can walk at a brisk pace, I have more energy and my swelling almost disappeared (except for my hands--which are a whole other problem at this point). I have also been having crazy mood swings. Maybe not mood swings, because that implies that they change rapidly, which they don't, but I am either grumpy, sad or extremely happy for no reason, all day. I just wake up that way. Emotionally this pregnancy has been easier than life without birth control. I really haven't had too many mood swings at all and have been overall a pretty pleasant person to everyone involved, even Mike. But this week. Man, I just wake up super angry, or sad, or ridiculously happy. Yesterday was an angry day, Friday was an annoyed day and Saturday was a happy day until I took a nap, then it was rough too.

On Saturday I woke up and walked for two hours. I felt great. I was happy and talking to people, all bubbly and pregnant, thinking about how nice everyone is to you when you are pregnant even though it was freezing cold. Then I got home and took a nap and my mom came over to go to lunch. She suggested that I may want to clean up my house a little and offered to help and I completely freaked out and started crying. Irrational. I am hoping all of this means that my body is doing whatever hormonal shifts it needs to do before I give birth, but man it is not so fun. Since my walk the baby dropped significantly and I am pretty sure he is engaged, which is good because if my water does break I don't need to worry as much about prolapse.

However, I have also returned to feeling miserable. Having him lower pulls totally differently, which makes me back and sides hurt. It also makes me need to pee even more--which I didn't think was possible. My stomach is super hard all of the time, so I have no idea if/when I am having contractions and if I manage to feel it, I can't time it. I think my body will get used to him being low soon and loosen up the skin, but until then I am just stuck this way. Swelling is back, but not as bad, or I know how to deal with it now, and the pressure I feel is really uncomfortable. I was sure I would have the baby after he dropped, but obviously not. Man, I just want him to come soon.

Grrr

Today is a bad day. Why? Because I am still pregnant, and I am SUPER cranky about it. Like irrationally angry. The baby dropped more yesterday. There was a storm. I should have a baby. No. Nothing. Another night without contractions. For the last month I have woke up with massive contractions. This week. Nothing. Baby, get your shit together and come out! I am over it. I don't want to go back to work. I don't want to go to the doctor. I don't want to do anything but go into labor--and there is NOTHING I can do about that, which is quite possibly the worst thing in the world to me. I hate not having any choice in anything.

If one more person tells me he will come when he is ready I am going to shoot them. See, it is my body. This is not just his decision. In fact, they don't even know what causes labor at all, so I could be him, or the placenta (I am not sure if that counts as him or me) or it could be my uterus, so there. Maybe he doesn't come when he is ready, maybe he comes when I am ready, and I am freaken ready. I don't think he should get 100% control of this situation. I just want my baby and my body back. Please come out baby, please start having contractions.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

Baby Steps and Bigger Steps

Last night we pre-registered at the hospital, took a tour and got some questions answered. Let’s start by saying that this hospital is nicer than most hotels I have stayed in. The labor and delivery rooms are HUGE. They have a bed, a fold out couch, a rocking chair, an armoire with a refrigerator. All of the machines and equipment are on shelves so it seems less medical and all of the rooms have private bathrooms with bathtubs. They have individual thermostats and adjustable lighting, plus a large window. They have WiFi and ESPN. For real. I swear, I almost don’t want to labor at home just so I can spend more time in the labor and delivery ward.

After birth you get to stay there for 1-2 hours, until mom can walk and baby has had a chance to bond with parents and breastfeed. Awesome. It seems pretty normal to not have visitors in these rooms, which is what I want. I haven’t decided if I want my mom to be there when the baby is born. Part of me does, but I have been warned about it by numerous people, so I am a little concerned. Anyway, I think I will totally want my mom after the baby is born. Not for the baby at all, but for me. I feel a little bit guilty because I don’t want any other visitors during that first hour—I just want time for me and Mike to bond with X and practice feeding, but I think I will want my mom too. I don’t know, maybe I won’t.

After you have recovered they take you to the baby and mom rooms. They don’t actually have a nursery, which is awesome, so the baby rooms in. This is when and where they do all of the tests and stuff—so after the baby has had a chance to bond. They will give him the Vitamin K shot, the eye drops (which I am sort of opposed to, but I don’t think enough to fight it, essentially it seems useless, but not dangerous, so whatever) and a bath. It is so nice that right after the baby is born they won’t take him to the side and give him shots and a bath. I mean, the poor little guy will have just been through a huge, traumatic event, giving him an hour or so to snuggle is a better choice. The rooms are not as nice, and definitely not as large, but still pretty good sized. There is a bed, armoire, fridge, private bathroom with shower and a fold out futon chair thing, plus a window. Oh, and a bassinet for the baby. I guess they don’t want you walking around in the ward carrying the baby because of safety. I mean, if someone was going to steal a baby, they probably wouldn’t grab the entire rolling bassinet. This is when and where we will take visitors. I think it will be easier to have visitors at the hospital than at home. I will feel less pressure to entertain people and I think people won’t stay as long. That is my hope. We need to find a way to communicate this with our families without sounding bitchy though. It isn’t that I don’t want guests, I totally do, I just think I may be super exhausted and I don’t want people staying for hours and hours.

The hospital has a 65-75% epidural rate, and the national average is about 75% so that isn’t too bad, but it definitely could be a lot better. I doubt I will find a nurse that is super into natural birth, but you never know. They do heplock instead of IV and there is a chance for intermittent monitoring using a Doppler rather than a band, which is pretty great if I am in the bathtub. I just don’t want to have to get back in bed every hour and lay there for 20 minutes. Plus, I asked about getting admitted and they will send you home, which is good because a lot of hospitals won’t, they will just let you labor for a few hours and then push pitocin, which is currently my greatest apprehension.

We also filled out basic information and the birth certificate form. That was so real. It was odd to write a name for a baby that doesn’t really exist yet. I mean, he exists, but it just isn’t the same. Like, if he just stayed in utero he wouldn’t need his own name, he would just be my baby. Also, I learned about paternity assignment. In the state of CO if you are married there is no need to prove or even claim paternity, it is just assumed. Which totally explains why Mike had to take a paternity test for his ex-wife’s son even though they both said it wasn’t his. Anyway, I Mike and I can’t just say the baby is his, he has to fill out another form acknowledging legal and financial responsibility for X. So, what happens if you are not talking to the mom or at the hospital when the baby is born? There is just no dad on the certificate and you have to go through the paternity determination stuff from the state. That seems rather ridiculous to me, if both people say he is the dad, what is the problem? Anyway, I am glad we know what we want/need to do to make sure Mike is established as the father right away.

In Mike and Donna news, we are opening a shared checking account tonight. Gulp. It is starting with just X’s money, so that we can get everything we still need for him. But we are going to transition our direct deposits to this account and pay all of our bills from it. Our bills. Holy crap. I was married to Devin and we NEVER shared a bank account. I mean, he had access to mine and a bank card (which he used to buy Heather lunch one day when he was out of his own money and figured, yeah, I am broke, why not use my wife’s money to buy another girl lunch) but we never shared anything. We always had separate bills and separate accounts. I never knew how much anything he did cost, or where he spent his money, or even how much money he actually made. But soon Mike and I will be sharing all of this information, and when this year is over we will be sharing one paycheck. That is sort of huge on the Donna anti-commitment scale. We have a good budget and plan, and I am not at all worried about the actual money part (aside from just not having enough) but it is more the symbolism behind it. We will have checks with both of our names on them. Wow. I think that gets us really close to common law marriage in CO. Not as far as Coors is considered for insurance, but I think shared checking could be used as evidence, especially since he will be supporting me and our son. Holy crap, we are going to have a son, like a really small human who belongs and is made of us. Wow.

My belly

Oh god, I really, really miss my belly. I know I get a baby out of this deal, but I am so scared of extra skin and stretch marks and just never looking like I did before. What prompted this panic? I was looking at pictures I took when I thought I looked pregnant and was sure EVERYONE would notice. I also miss being able to lay on said belly and have sex (in more than one position and without feeling like I may die from exertion--that is enough motivation for me to never be fat). I am so over being pregnant. I just want my body back.

8 More Weeks

I just keep telling myself, eight more weeks, I can do this for eight more weeks. There is sort of a lot going on in baby land, and in Mike and Donna land, right now over all. I don't feel like blogging all of the details, so here comes my ever-trusty, reliable, bulleted list:

• I have gained 10 pounds in the last month, the goal is three
  
• With said weight gain, it is no longer just baby weight, I am legitimately getting fat
• I passed my GTT test with super odd results that indicated I was more hypoglycemic than anything, which I suppose is good, but now I am supposed to eat every three hours and include a protein, see bullets one and two for more details about that
• My belly and Mike's belly measure the same in circumference this week, right at 41 inches.
  
• I am on Spring Break, and really don't want to go back to work at all
• I had to take my car into the shop for a couple of reason--I needed a new key and remote, my airbag sensor light burned out and Mazda doesn't let anyone but them fix something if it has to do with safety, and overall it was making a slight humming noise that was increasingly getting louder. I figured it was the dealership and all so about $500-1000. Nope, $1500--and I am not sure that included the key and remote. F.
  
• A squirrel made a nest in Mike's truck and ate a bunch of wires--I have no idea why it would want to do that. So now we soak his truck with pepper spray and moth balls in an effort to keep the damn thing out. His truck smells amazing if you were wondering.
  
• We finished out birthing classes and I learned that I am terrified of epidurals. I already hate IVs, so going natural is definitely the option I am going for, which I already knew, but that was more preference, it is now the least of two evils.
• I have eight more weeks of pregnancy, but I am hoping X is on board with coming about two weeks early. Not anymore than that, I want him fully cooked and there is a lot of evidence that says even 37-38 weeks makes a big difference, but holy god, please only let it be 6 more weeks.
  
• We have a ton of stuff that we still need to buy for him, but I am waiting until after my shower which is in about two weeks. I am excited, but I have no idea what to buy for hostess gifts :(
• I compulsively made a list of every single thing we need, priced it at BRU and Amazon, added the various discounts we get at both and now have a list of where I will buy everything. Overkill, yes, super organized, double yes.
  
• I still don't have stretch marks, but I am scared to mention any pregnancy symptoms I don't have because I feel like I immediately get them after that. That dark line is starting to form, but it is pretty light still. There are quite a few other things I don't have, but I am not putting them to paper (err, electronic paper) until after the baby is born.
  
• I bought a sewing machine so that I could make X a book sling, to buy one would cost me about $100, to make one cost about $200. Great job Donna!
  
• The nursery is almost complete, we are waiting on our glider and ottoman, we need to hang the book sling and some shelves, put up some decals, wash diapers and clothes and we are done!
• I still need to buy about $100 in diapers. We will be able to diaper X for a total of $400, which is pretty amazing. Our electric bill may go up about $10/month, but compared to disposables I am pretty excited.
• I can't find our camera, which is where there are no photos of all of this stuff.
• X has been moving a lot the last two or three days, I am not sure what the hell he is doing in there, maybe discovering a new sport?
  
• I decided to play soccer with my nephews, I paid for it later. I was in so much pain that night and the next day I was almost in tears and had to take a four hour nap. It was miserable. Note to self, do not run when carrying 20 pounds directly in front of you that bounces. I pulled a muscle in my groin, stretched some ligaments in my belly and really hurt my back. Plus, with X bouncing around in there I irritated my sciatic nerve again. Yesterday was rough. I feel better today.
  

Okay, that is it I think, I will upload photos when I take them :) I am off to the dentist, to spend more money I don't have. Yippee.

In baby news (remember, it is a week off because I didn't get how it worked :)

Baby's now the size of a squash!
Ready or not, baby's getting ready to emerge. He's probably in the head-down position by now, with his bottom facing up. This is the comfiest way for his body to fit in your increasingly cramped womb and will make his eventual exit (only a few months away now!) much easier. (If he's still head-up, don't panic -- there's still time for a flip before birth.)

Your baby weighs about 4 pounds and is about fifteen to seventeen inches tall. Photographs of babies in utero at this stage show their skin becoming less translucent and pinker, as layers of fat are deposited under the skin. His skeleton is rapidly ossifying (turning from cartilage into solid bone), which means that kicks will become visible through your shirt as the trimester progresses. Well-placed kicks under your ribs can take your breath away!

For mommy:
Was that a contraction? Yup, but it's just for practice. Those strengthening Braxton Hicks contractions are just your body's way of prepping for the real deal. (If you feel more than four in an hour or have discharge, call the doc.) Farther north, your nipples are getting darker and (yes, it's possible) bigger -- all the better for baby to see (and latch onto) in a few short months.

From now until delivery, you'll be gaining about a pound a week. About half of that gain is the baby's, the rest is fluid retention. Fight bloat by avoiding high-sodium foods and carbonated beverages. Call your care provider if you suddenly feel puffy in your face or hands; this is a symptom of preeclampsia. If you're still working, you're probably already counting the minutes until your maternity leave starts. During the next six weeks, you may be trying to decide if you'll be one of the sixty percent of moms who will return to the workforce in the year after having a baby, or if you'll be among the forty percent who stay home.

Trimesters

Trimesters in pregnancy are a giant scam. Or really bad math. Women are pregnant for an average of 40 weeks. That includes the two fake weeks at the beginning. Mathematically that is 13.3 weeks each, or 93.3 days each. It isn't like that though, at all. I totally understand this in the first trimester. Developmentally, the baby changes from an embryo to a fetus and major organs are formed. Medically this is significant. Women start to feel a little better, hormones stabilize, the chance of miscarriage significantly decreases and the baby can take more because risk to the brain and other organs is significantly decreased. So, I get the 12 week mark (even if you aren't even pregnant for two of those weeks). That leaves 28 weeks. Logicially, that should make the third and second trimesters 14weeks long. But it doesn't. Why? I have no idea. I have done a ton of research and there is nothing special that happens at 28 weeks that doesn't happen at 26. Nothing for mom or baby. In fact, there isn't even consensus on when the damn third trimester happens. Some things say I am already in the third trimester, but not my book or doctor. They say 28 weeks. Why do we say the third trimester starts at 28 weeks! This really frustrates me. It is just illogical. The third trimester should start at 26.6 weeks or at 26 weeks, but no, it doesn't. Lame. Oh well. My belly grows inches (literally) every day. It is getting huge. I had a really cute pic, but I accidentally deleted it. I took more. Here I am at almost 27 weeks, which is a completely uneventful week in pregnancy.

Week 25?

I have been slacking on the blog front. It is exhibition time at school, which on top of a lot of other shit means that I work 7:30-7:30 most days, have no time to do anything at work and am generally stressed and exhausted. Exhaustion leads to mild depression for me, which makes me more exhausted. If I can sleep it off I am fine, but if I can't it gets worse. It also triggers insomnia. I am sure you see the catch 22 here. So, after posting about sleeping all the time I faced a week that entailed not sleeping, stress, exhaustion, a lot of crying and mild breakdown (or three). At least Mike is on nights :) Anyway, Friday night I crashed hardcore, I don't think pregnant Donna can do insomnia the same way (plus Mike was actually gone--I have a miserable time sleeping alone if he is here, but if he is at work I am usually okay). Anyway, I slept all day, went shopping with my mom and had dinner with Mike, just to go to bed at 8:30 and sleep another 12 hours. I woke up in a much better mood and opted to not spend my only day off (I am counting yesterday as mental recovery and NOT as a day off) cleaning. So I went baby shopping...

It didn't go well. For one, I am out of clothes because I didn't do laundry yesterday. So I wore my only remaining pair of maternity pants in my closet. It is a sad day folks, I have grown out of a pair of maternity pants. That cannot be a good sign. Anyway, I was super uncomfortable. I went to get a pedicure figuring the massage chairs would be nice, and they were, except my pants hurts my belly. Then I went to Home Depot to get some room stuff and got very hungry. So I blew $100 on some Martha Stewart organizational bins and came home, where I spent the next hour in my underwear eating roasted potatoes on blood oranges (not together).

Finally I went grocery shopping, in a comfy, albeit dirty, pair of large maternity jeans. I got general groceries and stuff for dinner tonight, that I suppose we will call Valentine's Dinner. Plus I made two pans to go in the deep freeze for when the baby arrives.

For our last Valentine's Day as single people this is what we are having:
Pesto Chicken Stuffed Shells in a Pesto Cream Sauce
Romaine Salad with red onions, cucumber and avocado
Extra thick brownies with balsamic macerated strawberries and whipped cream

As far as baby goes (or went about 6 days ago):

That oh-so-handy sense of equilibrium is kicking in, and baby's learning to distinguish right side up from upside down.

Your baby weighs 1 1/4 pounds and is a little more than 11 inches long, about the size of a small bag of sugar. In the last third of pregnancy, he'll double and triple his weight. Your dexterous baby can touch and hold her feet and make a fist. Your partner may be able to hear his heartbeat by pressing his ear against your belly. Your baby has a regular sleep schedule now and active and inactive periods. You may or may not be able to discern what those periods are. his nostrils, which have been plugged, open up.

And in mama news (although thankfully this hasn't actually happened yet):

Got a dark line running down your belly? That's your linea nigra, and it's totally normal. Pregnancy hormones might also be making your complexion a little spotty. Switching to oil-free, water-based, noncomedogenic makeup should help clear things up.

Welcome to the third trimester! You're really in the homestretch now. While reaching the third trimester feels like great progress, with it comes a return to fatigue, dizziness, and constant trips to the bathroom. To relieve back, hip and leg pain now, try to keep walking, swimming, practicing yoga or doing any other nonweight-bearing activity. This also can help you recover faster physically after childbirth. To make sure you'll enjoy your baby shower, schedule it between weeks 30 and 36; you'll still be spry enough to enjoy it.

And my favorite piece of advice this week:

[ tip ] Skip the elaborate nursery decorations and spend the savings on an extra-comfy rocking chair. At 3 a.m., baby won't know the difference...but your back and bottom sure will.

The Joy of Cloth

I bought my first cloth diaper yesterday. I have been stalking Eco-Politan, a local cloth diaper store, but I haven't bought any because I am terrified I will spend all of this money and then they won't work with our son. But, I need SOMETHING when he gets here, so I bought some. I figure a little at a time will help the cost seem less. Diapers are expensive though. Like, really expensive. So, here is my first stash.

The two top ones are Thirsties Covers in newborn size. They fit babies 6-25 pounds (I think, maybe it is 18) and have three different rise options. Although M and I are both against velcro, the lady convinced me to get these two in velcro because it makes them even more adjustable. Next to them are Osocozy Indian cotton prefolds. These are the cheapest diapers ever, and I really like them. They are the old fashioned kind that people used before disposables. M is not at all into prefolds, but after intensive research I found that other diapers just don't fit newborns, not until they are about 6 weeks old. And the fitted ones made just for newborns are about $18-26 each and only last about 8-12 weeks. I am not spending that on 2 months. So, I will try the prefolds and used sized diapers only for night time. Here are two close-ups, the second one has a prefold inside, so it is how it will look when it actually goes on a baby instead of all flat.

Next up we have Best Bottom Diapers. I am SOLD on these. I love them, but I couldn't find them locally and I really wanted to support local business. Then I got a message on facebook saying my local store was offering them! I just hope gigantore likes them too. What I love about them is that they have double leg gussets, less chance for leaks. They are adjustable so they grow with baby which saves money, but they also have snap in inserts. Okay, so here is a quick lesson in cloth diapering. There are these diapers called pockets, they have a waterproof shell and a lining, then you stuff a pocket between these two layers with something. A prefold, a liner, whatever. Then when baby goes, the liners come out and you wash the whole thing. The advantage is that they get cleaner than just an all in one diaper (think disposable, but you wash it, it is just like that) and takes less time to dry. But, they are expensive and you still have to wash the whole damn thing. These are different. The liner snaps in so nothing touches baby but the $4 insert, baby goes, you pull it out and snap a new one in. So, I need WAY less covers and the inserts are same price as they are for pockets. As convenient, no. Less wasteful, yes. So, it is WAY cheaper (you can use a new liner every two hours at $4 a pop and one cover at $16 or you can use pockets at $16 each time), less wasteful (think about the laundry) just as easy since you have to stuff a pocket the other way and I LOVE the colors and prints. I only got two because I am trying to be reasonable here. The cow print is on the biggest setting, the chunky monkey (they all have icecream names to describe the color :) is on the smallest, that is a lot of growing! You can also see the double gussets on the chunky monkey.

Here is a close up of the snap on the insert and a pic of the chunky monkey with an insert in it, so again it looks like a real diaper instead of deflated one. The liners are four layers of cotton and a top layer of microfiber to help wick moisture away from baby.

And lost but not least, my sample of soap nuts! I need to wash all of my diapers, and my liners and prefolds three times before I can use them, so that is what I will be trying these babies on.

I think I am actually pregnant

Although I complain a lot, I have had a pretty easy pregnancy. Or I don't know, maybe not easy, but just not standard pregnancy hard. I was sick in my first trimester, but other than that my pregnancy has been pretty abnormal. I mean, I hid it from my students for over 20 weeks, and most of them were shocked. Most of my staff was shocked. I still am underweight (although that is changing fast), I don't really look 23 weeks pregnant, I haven't really been into nesting, I don't really want to eat anything. However, I am starting to actually feel like I am pregnant.

For one, gigantore moves all the time now, so that is a constant reminder. Most of the weight I have gained is in my belly, so when I look down it is round. It is getting hard to bend and stuff because pregnant bellies don't bend--I never really knew that, that fat bends, but baby belly doesn't, it makes sense, but I never thought about it. I also have food cravings. Or at least eating habits that different than normal and tend to be really unhealthy. Let's just say the sugar aversion is gone. About half of my facebook posts are about food now. I am also hormonally imbalanced and therefore moody. I have been pretty easy going so far but I feel like that is changing. I feel super emotional in general, which is more like me pre-pregnancy. I just feel like the melt downs are coming. And the nesting, and the immense, sudden, weight gain, and the ridiculous baby purchases. At least I am more than half way done, most people have this in the first trimester and it lasts all pregnancy. Now we only have to deal with 16 weeks of this nonsense. I think I will go eat some pickles since I already had a strawberry cheesecake spoonbender and see if anything makes me cry tonight and how many rice crispy treats I will get down while actually in bed.

Week 23

Pregnancy is weird. Well, I guess that is sort of obvious, but that isn't really what I meant. You try to hard to get pregnant and when you see those pink lines, or blue lines, or digital "pregnant" reading, or all of the above, it is hard to believe. At least for me. Then you have all of this pent up excitement that you can't share with anyone. Then you doubt it, then you go to the doctor, then you are all excited again. By the time you can actually tell anyone it is sort of old news. The shock value has worn off for you. Then you go to the doctor again, and now you have to wait for the gender scan, so it is exciting again. You wait and wonder and during that time the baby starts moving and you start growing (or normal people do). People can feel the baby. You learn how to poke it to make it move, or when it moves, or whatever. Then you find out the gender, and it is all exciting again, and you buy LOTS of stuff because you finally can. And now? Now what do I do? It is too far from delivery to actually get excited about meeting gigantore. Then there is that whole actually birthing gigantore thing to worry about, but right now, what do I do? The baby moves. A lot. Other than my kids no one finds that exciting any more. We go to doctors, I check my weight gain (I am FINALLY gaining the right amount of weight and am almost up to the minimum required weight gain). I take tests. The nursery is almost done, and we aren't going to buy more stuff until after my shower. The baby grows, I grow, I eat a lot, I sleep a lot, sometimes I cry for no reason. Mike steals my prego snacks and I freak out. But really, that is just sort of life, except now life revolves around me being pregnant. That is all I hear about, how big I am, or people asking about the baby, or whatever. Which I know is well intentioned, but it is also obnoxious. Sometimes I am the way I am just because I am me, not because I am pregnant. Sometimes I eat like shit just because I do, or sometimes I am tired because my job sort of blows are the moment and is really stressful. Not everything about me is growing a baby. And I have four more months of just waiting, and really nothing to be that excited for until we are close enough that I can start wanting the baby to get here. It is boring prego time. Yet, I am still pregnant. Which sort of sucks (obviously I don't want the alternative either). I would like to have a bottle of wine. Yes, I know I can have a freaken glass, but I don't want a glass, I want a bottle. I am sick of getting fat, even if it is a good thing. I am sick of counting my protein intake. I just want to be done being pregnant, and have my baby. I don't get why anyone loves being pregnant. I mean, I get why you are excited to be pregnant, and am definitely fortunate and happy to be pregnant in the sense that it means there will be a baby, but actually being pregnant sort of blows. Luckily I read an article today about hating being pregnant and how to cope (my favorite being, don't feel guilty about not enjoying being pregnant) where one of the lines was "Hating pregnancy and being a good mother have absolutely no connection."

However, I promised Rachel that I wouldn't get like this and stop posting pictures, so here are a few where I look particularly pregnant, thanks to Anne Taylor non-maternity silk sweater which clings like no other to my maternity pants.

I did go to a breast pump class. Yes really. It was informative, but pretty boring since I will be staying home and not needing a fancy shmancy pump. The $50 one will do me just fine.

I need to take pictures of the nursery, it is really nice. I think I also want to learn to sew, make cushion covers for the new glider and ottoman and some curtains for the room. I do actually know how to sew, but I don't have a machine. Recovering major furniture is out of my comfort zone though, so we will see. I can't really mess anything up with it though. Everything else is done really, we have a closet, dresser with changing station, mirror, glider, ottoman, table, lamp, linens, some clothes and I have selected diapers. Not a whole lot to do but wait. I hate waiting.

In baby news:
Baby's now the size of a papaya!
Baby's little face is fully formed...minus the baby fat, of course. The next task at hand for baby: sprouting two teeny-tiny nipples!

Weighing in at a pound, and at eight inches long, your baby is starting to really look like a baby! You can compare her size to a box of sugar or a bag of coffee beans. Her skin is filling out as the first layers of fat are deposited and her muscles grow. During the next month, her weight may almost double.

I guess I can get new shoes out of the deal, even if I haven't hit the 15 pound mark:
Swollen from head to toe? Increased blood flow, by now an old friend, is to blame. Consider a trip to the shoe store because loosening ligaments will cause your feet to expand even more in the weeks to come.

Your care provider should be monitoring your expanding uterus and weight. You should be feeling movement at this point. If you haven't, talk to your care provider. No feelings of movement could be a sign that your placenta is in front of the baby. It may also take more time to feel movement if you're overweight. As your baby gains weight, so do you. You've probably gained at least fifteen pounds by now.

Half Way

At nineteen weeks a lot of books consider me half way, although at twenty weeks I think I will be more comfortable calling it half way. I can't believe I have been pregnant for so long. I am definitely starting to show more constantly, rather than the baby playing hide and go seek every day. I can also feel my belly more, like I bump into things and I feel a hard lump when I lay down or against something. Mike says he can feel it too when I sleep against him, just like a constant pressure. The baby definitely kicks now--or punches, headbutts, something--it is more like a thumping than a fluttering or a vibration. I feel the fluttering more still, but there have been a few thumps in there. I am excited to see it moving all over the place in the ultrasound and to finally be able to call it something other than it! 10 days and counting until our anatomy scan.

It is also time to start making real decisions. We are completely registered on Baby's R Us and Amazon.com, although I need to add some gender specific items and update the amazon registry to include our stroller and car seat choices since those changed. We started the nursery, or we cleaned the room and picked out paint. Jill is going to bring me the crib on Wednesday. We are going to do the closet ourselves, but it is going to be really hard for me to wait on buying stuff. At the very end of pregnancy both registries will give us a one time coupon to get everything still left on the registry at 10% off, but that doesn't leave a whole lot of time to actually finish the nursery, so I think I will end up buying some stuff early. Even though it is a good deal, there are certain things we do really need for the baby and there will be plenty of other stuff for people to buy, like clothes and stuff. We will see how I do on self-control. I also need to put in for my leave of absence at work. I think we have book decided that it is best for me to take a year off, but it makes me really nervous. I am not good at depending on someone else and I am very worried about how I will handle the stress of dependency plus the stress of loosing so much money all at once. Neither of us are very good at budgeting, and we sort of need to figure that out now. I have been trying to get out of debt before the baby comes, and I have made some good progress, but I still have outstanding debt and although we have plenty of money it doesn't seem like we are rolling in it.

The hardest thing is that I need to come to terms with the fact that I have to actually have the baby. You always know you have to, but it seems so distant. We need to take some labor classes and I need to read a lot of books on how to have a natural labor so that I am prepared. Right now The Bradley Method of childbirth is all the rage with natural birth advocates, but I don't like it, it creeps me out. I am not sure why. So I need to find books on other methods and prepare myself. Mike also needs to prepare to be able to help me, or something. I am not sure. I think I want my mom there with me to help. She really wants me to get a doula, and although I can see the benefits, I can also see the expense. I am just not sure having yet another person in there will help. I mean, they are supposed to advocate for you and your choices, but I want to be able to make those choices as the happen, although I am not sure that is realistic. I need to talk to Mike and see how comfortable he is in making choices or being assertive while I am in labor. If he isn't then maybe I will get a doula. I just don't know. Regardless, really big deal that I need to deal with soon :)

As far as the baby goes, we have a mango:
Vernix caseosa, a greasy white substance made of lanugo, oil, and dead skin cells (yum) now coats baby's skin, shielding it from the amniotic fluid. (Picture yourself after a nine-month bath, and the need for protection makes sense.) You might get to see the vernix at birth, especially if baby is premature.

Your baby is between five and six inches long and weighs about seven ounces—about the size of an apple. If the baby is a girl, early ovaries contain follicles with forming eggs. Soon, half of the genetic material for your potential future grandchildren will be formed. Pictures of babies at this age show them touching the membrane of the amniotic sac, touching their own faces, reaching for the umbilical cord, pedaling their legs, and sucking their thumbs. If you're carrying twins, they may already be swatting at each other. Your baby may already have a preference for the left or right hand. In the brain, areas of the nerve cells that serve the senses of touch, taste, smell, sight, and hearing are becoming specialized and are forming more complex connections. Loud sounds as well as any feelings you may have of stress or alarm may be communicated to the baby. The baby responds to these stresses by becoming more active. Practicing yoga and meditation can be good for your sense of calm and balance.

And for me:
Those nasty leg cramps are probably making it tough to get comfortable. One way to ease the pain: Extend your leg and flex your ankle and toes toward your knees. Or enlist your partner for a calf (and back!) massage. Good news: Your now-bulging belly should get you a little more compassion from everyone around you.

Being pregnant isn’t easy

I love the idea of the baby, and I don’t necessarily hate being pregnant, but it isn’t easy. I am sure I will hate it later, when I am so big putting on shoes is difficult and when the baby is big enough that kicks don’t feel cool, plus the overly exciting idea of lightning crotch. All of that just sounds like so much fun. But even now, even in the Honeymoon second trimester I still don’t think it is so much fun. I guess it is better than the other two trimesters, it is definitely WAY better than the first one, but I always thought I would like being pregnant. I thought the second trimester would be better than not being pregnant. It isn’t, in case anyone was wondering, it is just better than the first trimester.

I am pretty fucking sick of being fat. I have never really been fat before, at least not in the middle. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a size 0 and have never wanted to be, but I have always been very happy how I look. Sure, my thighs tend to be huge and tanning is impossible, but that was always okay. My waist has always been thin. Like, really thin. And I never had to do ANYTHING to maintain it, thank you mom for the genetics. So while there are lots of things I would change if I could, there was nothing I would actually work for; hence my horrible gym attendance. Now, my pants don’t fit, I don’t look cute at all and my quarterback shoulders no longer lead into a tiny waist, so I really do look like a short high school linebacker instead of some crazy curvy German Helga. I was okay with fat thighs and wide shoulders, because I still looked like a girl. I was still attractive. Now I have a baby gut that looks pretty much like a beer gut. There really is little difference in appearance. I am not good at not being attractive. This baby is going to be an only child (plus fat people have a lot less sex I have decided, at least in my case, so making another baby is pretty moot).

Oh yeah, and you can't drink, so you are always DD. Even to the ballet.

Will it ever be easy?

I got more test results, still waiting on the Rh results. My hCG levels are raising, they are still in the super low end of normal, but they did double. I know from reading a lot of other people's pages that they actually triple in 48 hours a lot of times, and mine definitely aren't doing that. However, the doctor said they did double and that is good enough. I was reading about it and it could mean that I am less pregnant than I thought I was, like conception happened later, but I really don't think so and that is not what the ultrasound showed. I am not sure why they are low, hopefully it is just how I am. The normal range is sort of ridiculous, and as you go up in months, so does the spread. Hopefully next week I break the 10,000 mark. Hopefully I am Rh positive and I won't have to get RhGAM shots since I am sort of over having needles poked into my arms.

I am also still having some mild bleeding. Nothing like last Friday, but "normal" is none, so it is still worrisome. The doctor said I may just bleed and they may never know why, which isn't comforting at all. But as long as I am not having cramping and bleeding (like last Friday) a miscarriage isn't imminent, could still happen, but not right then, so I will go with that. It sucks because until we hear a heartbeat there is no way to be sure. Lots of babies grow at this stage and then the heart doesn't develop. Come on little heartbeat. I just with I had high hCG levels OR no bleeding, having both makes it more scary. On the bright side, low hCG means no morning sickness, and the cyst on my ovary doesn't hurt as much. Although, I would almost be happy to have morning sickness because it would mean everything is getting better. Morning sickness can be a good indicator of pregnancy.

Return to the ER

Yesterday we went to the Great American Beer Festival for Mike's quarter century birthday. Yes, he is the baby, I try to not think about it most days. Anyway, aside from it being awesome for everyone who was not DD, I had a particularly uncomfortable day. As soon as we got to the festival, I noticed some spotting and increasingly severe cramping, which of course I looked up immediately on google. Essentially it said it is not a good thing, but it is common. Not normal, but not super critical. However, as the night progressed it went from spotting to actual bleeding. I was torn between telling Mike and ruining his evening and not telling, but as the night progressed it became clear to me that I wasn't going to be able to just ignore it. So, instead of staying out drinking all night and being DD for four drunk frat boys, I took them all home.

Of course, upon arrival at anywhere with an internet connection, I immediately looked up what first trimester bleeding could mean. The data was terrifying. First of all, 50% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage, usually in the first trimester. Now, this goes back to science actually making life suck. A lot of those happen in the first few days of pregnancy and it used to be that your "period" was just a few days late, when in actually conception happened but implantation went awry. However, not that you can find out you are pregnant 5 days sooner, you can also find out you miscarried 5 days sooner, which is to say at all. Moving on with the stats. About 20-30% of women bleed during the first trimester after you take out implantation bleeding, which happens to more like 50% of women. Some of the reasons are known, and some aren't, but 50% of women who bleed eventually miscarry. The reasons that are known also suck: miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, STDs, etc. By the middle of the night the bleeding was bad and Mike and I agreed I would go to the doctor in the morning.

So, after sobbing uncontrollably for a good hour I fell asleep. Kaiser opens at 8:00 on Saturdays and has an Urgent Care center at the Westminster office. I was so relieved that the ER was not my only option. So I called the emergency nurse to have a phone consult before my appointment. The nurse was helpful and walked me through a lot of information. At the end of the phone call, she told me to go, immediately, to the ER. She said not to drive and not to speed, but to get my husband to take me to the hospital and to arrive there within the hour. Her words were somewhere along the lines of, we don't know what is actually wrong, but if it is ectopic, it can be life threatening and we have to rule that out before we can do anything else. Terrifying. I woke Mike up and told him the news and we headed to the ER. Neither of us thought it was that severe, but essentially it is one of those things you have to do. Like an appendicitis, you don't put it off until Monday. So for the second time Mike took me to Good Samaritan where I answered all sorts of things that I have never said in front of another person before. Being pregnant really decreases privacy.

The doctor saw me, they took a crap ton of blood and took away my hot chocolate (so that if I did have to have surgery, I wouldn't be full). I love this hospital, and most of the people there, but I really didn't like my nurse because she didn't seem to have a clue. Like, she asked me if I had a tampon in. What? I am pregnant! Anyway. Also, the IV dude sort of sucked and used some sort of huge needle. I am not exaggerating. I told the nurse that it hurt and I told the doctor I didn't need the IV because I wasn't having a problem with liquids, but no luck, they left the bastard thing in the whole time.

Pretty soon I went to ultrasound to check for the location of the pregnancy. The x-ray tech is quite possibly my favorite person right now. They did belly ultrasounds, which was fine, but they couldn't see anything. Then came the totally awesome inter-vaginal ultrasound. Fun times. She took a ton of photos and told me she would explain them later. That is when I got the best news, she could show me exactly where the baby was in my uterus. At four weeks we could see it, actually 4 weeks and 5 days, which is exactly where I thought I was, which was awesome. Not much of a baby, just a small dark dot, but it was there. I also have a cyst on my ovary which makes it tender and can cause some cramping, but also raises my progesterone. She went through all the scans with us and talked to us. Apparently I have a Y shaped uterus, which is abnormal but not dangerous. So the baby nestled into one side of the Y and the other side of the Y could still be unaware that I am not pregnant and could be sloughing old cells like a normal period. It doesn't hurt the baby, but it can lead to bleeding throughout pregnancy. She was awesome. At the end she told us that she isn't actually supposed to tell me any of this, but often in the ER they don't go over it with you and you have to wait until you see you OBGYN to get any information. I am so glad she told me, because that is exactly what happened.

I went back to my room and had a pelvic exam (with Mike in the room, how is that for awkward) and a catheter to extract urine. Super fun times--apparently I have a small urethra. That shit hurts. Then we waited, and waited, and waited. Eventually they came in and told me my urine was fine and my ultrasound showed my pregnancy was in my uterus so it was safe. They also said my cervix was closed, which is good because it opens when there is impending miscarriage. All good. I did have an infection that I remember reading about, but they can't treat it until I am past my first trimester. It causes cramping in the lower abdomen. That was it. Nothing about my ultrasound or anything. I am SO GLAD the x-ray tech told me. The doctor told me that if I am going to have a miscarriage, I will have one. There is nothing they can do about it, and nothing I did to cause it, it just is. It is predestined genetically at this point. She told me could definitely still have one, but it is not impending nor guaranteed and I can carry the baby to term as far as my blood work and other tests are concerned. I have to back in to track my beta levels of hgc. Finally the shitty nurse took out my IV and informed me that indeed the needle was really big and that was why it hurt. No shit. I never actually had any fluid, just an empty IV for four hours. Regardless, the shitty nurse gave me my discharge papers BEFORE they got the results on my creepy infection, so my diagnosis was pregnancy. $100 for piece of mind was totally worth it.

It took me a long time to research the infection because I didn't know the name and I couldn't find it. It wasn't on my discharge paperwork because the shitty nurse wrote it up before I was actually discharged. Essentially it is from having the ph balance off, which is the result of pregnancy or an excess of semen which changes the ph. Whatever. It is essentially Mike's fault, but so is the baby, so I am good with it. :)

Is that a plus?

This morning I decided to take a pregnancy test. No particular reason, I just felt like it. I really didn't think I was pregnant, but I bought a three pack of tests and Millie turned me onto this site that sells them super cheap so I figured I would take one. I am not supposed to have my period until Monday (or maybe Wednesday, I had one month when I was two days late, inexplicably) so it was early anyway. Really, I think I was putting off walking the dog. This is what I got:
Is that a line? I can't really tell. I know I have read that a faint line is still a line, but really, that faint? It seems like it is too light for me. And Mike is out of town. I really want to ask someone about this, but I feel like Mike should know first. So I have to wait two more days before I can even ask someone.

I will obviously be taking a few more tests if this is how they look. Fuckers. They really can't make it easier than this? Anyway, I am super excited, but I am also really nervous because I am afraid I want it so much I am making up fake results. I know that if I start thinking I am pregnant, and then I am not, it will be more crushing that normal, and I am not sure I can take that. I am sort of in shock, and freaking out (not about being pregnant, about thinking I am and then not being). I want to try a digital test, but they are like $30, so I want to wait until next week, but on the same note, I really DON'T want to wait until next week. Fuck, I hate the army. I need Mike.

Clear, Blue, Pricey

No, I am not incubating yet. Well, I suppose I could be, but I don't think so, which I suppose is a good thing because it would be really irresponsible to drink three Rio margs, a few beers and a martini if I thought I was pregnant. On an irrelevant side note, I really do need to stop drinking so much. I went the first few months always thinking I was pregnant. Now I am always convinced I am not. Since moving into that state I must say I am right a lot more often.

I am, however, extremely frustrated. The frustration manifests itself into all sorts of other things, but essentially I am frustrated that I am not pregnant. This sometimes manifests into hating all teenagers, all religions, all babies, all pregnant women, all women on the pill, all women not on the pill and mostly into hating all people who get pregnant without trying. I find this an amusing phrase because not trying to me means not have unprotected sex, but apparently there are a lot of people out there that disagree and are surprised when unprotected sex results in a zygote. Because apparently not trying to them means...I don't know what. What does fucking trying mean?

Anyway, I digress. Frustration. All of the time. If one more fucking person tells me that everything happens for a reason I am going to shove scissors through his/her ears. This violent inclination also bleeds into people telling me that they are certain it will happen when the time is right. What the fuck? These are the same people who say the time is never right and if you wait for the right time you will never have a kid--because reasonably when is it good to gain 40 pounds, completely ruin a perfect body, halt a career and put more stress on a relationship (or marriage) than anything else possibly could? There is no right time people! Therefore, I will NOT get pregnant at the right time. Or when we are ready. Or when the universe decides it. Or when our relationship is ready. Or when we can handle it. Or when Allah wills it. Ojala my ass. (thank you Mr. Jenkins for explaining the etymology of Ojala in the Spanish language while learning the freaken subjunctive--it is quite suiting at the moment). We will get pregnant when scientifically sperm meets egg, embeds into uterine wall and develops a feeding system and heartbeat. Yes, Virginia, that is where babies come from.

This brings me to modern science. See there is this idea out there that to get pregnant you have to try. Obviously this is not true since teen pregnancy rates are not significantly decreasing. People get pregnant all the time without trying. With that being said, there are significant amounts of people like me out there, who depend on instant gratification and want a fetus NOW! So, they do what is called charting. They write down EVERYTHING to see if they can predict when they ovulate. See, pregnancy depends on ovulation, and you have a much higher chance of getting pregnant if you have sex during ovulation, although many people get pregnant outside of that time frame. This assumes that everything is medically okay other than timing. Theoretically you ovulate two weeks before your period, which is freaken awesome if you have a consistent period. Then it is just basic math. Luckily, I could create my own fucking calendar company based on my cycle so counting back two weeks should be easy. And it is. Except I am not pregnant. So either I do not ovulate on the day I think I do or something else is wrong. Lets hope it is ovulating on a different day, because that is much easier to fix that other issues. So, I have two options. Chart or pee. Charting entails writing down my basal body temperature every day and then looking back on it to see a spike (which only tells you after the fact that you ovulated) and keeping track of my cervical mucus. Sounds like super fun to me. The other way to dish out $50 and buy an over the counter ovulation predictor kit. Guess what one I chose? So now, for a month, I get to pee on a stick and see if I ovulate. If I do, yeah, have sex, make baby. If not, I will email my Dr. and say I know it has not been a year yet, but I am not ovulating. Maybe she will be in a good mood and see me or tell me what I can do to hurry along my ovulation cycle. If it says I am ovulating, and it is at the same time that I think it is, I will email her that. If I ovulate at a different time I suppose Mike and I will try to have a baby on that schedule for a few months and hope.

So, essentially I am heavily in the science part of baby making. I am not going to pray, or wait for the right time, or believe it happens for a reason. I am going to pee on a stick and see if I can manage a little smiley face and two weeks later a plus sign. In the meantime, I will try to not actually commit any violent crimes.


PS--Let's not forget how ridiculously expensive pregnancy tests are either--since those run about $7 a pop. That is a lot of money to pee on is all I am saying.

Dissappointed

There have been five times I could have been pregnant. I have taken pregnancy tests four out of those five times because I am neurotic and I cannot wait the seven hours to see (or I cannot do basic math like yesterday--when I thought I was late, but I was just reading the calendar wrong). I am not sure how many negative lines I can look at without going insane, and I don't ever have the patience to just wait and see. Here is to another month of being racked with guilt every time I drink and being so stressed that not drinking isn't really an option.