Using babies to save marriages

It seems like everyone I know acknowledges that this is a bad idea. Yet it is common knowledge that people do this all the time. Which people? I have no idea, but you know, people. The thing about it is, I get it. When I was married to me ex I would never have had a kid to save it. Probably because I knew deep down I didn't want to save it, and also because I originally chose the wrong man to father my children, but I digress. Never would I have had children to save that marriage. However, having X has changed how I feel about Mike. I'm amazed every day by how much I love him. Watching him be a father to X makes me love him more than I thought possible-so if our relationship ever got rocky I could see how I would think having another baby would fix it. Still a bad idea of course, because babies are insanely stressful and I'm sure ruin plenty of marriages, but X, for our psuedo-marriage, hasn't hurt a thing. I love watching Mike father X, and I love the kind of dad he is and wants to be, and I love the amazing little boy he gave me. Happy father's day Mike.

posted from Bloggeroid

Baby Steps and Bigger Steps

Last night we pre-registered at the hospital, took a tour and got some questions answered. Let’s start by saying that this hospital is nicer than most hotels I have stayed in. The labor and delivery rooms are HUGE. They have a bed, a fold out couch, a rocking chair, an armoire with a refrigerator. All of the machines and equipment are on shelves so it seems less medical and all of the rooms have private bathrooms with bathtubs. They have individual thermostats and adjustable lighting, plus a large window. They have WiFi and ESPN. For real. I swear, I almost don’t want to labor at home just so I can spend more time in the labor and delivery ward.

After birth you get to stay there for 1-2 hours, until mom can walk and baby has had a chance to bond with parents and breastfeed. Awesome. It seems pretty normal to not have visitors in these rooms, which is what I want. I haven’t decided if I want my mom to be there when the baby is born. Part of me does, but I have been warned about it by numerous people, so I am a little concerned. Anyway, I think I will totally want my mom after the baby is born. Not for the baby at all, but for me. I feel a little bit guilty because I don’t want any other visitors during that first hour—I just want time for me and Mike to bond with X and practice feeding, but I think I will want my mom too. I don’t know, maybe I won’t.

After you have recovered they take you to the baby and mom rooms. They don’t actually have a nursery, which is awesome, so the baby rooms in. This is when and where they do all of the tests and stuff—so after the baby has had a chance to bond. They will give him the Vitamin K shot, the eye drops (which I am sort of opposed to, but I don’t think enough to fight it, essentially it seems useless, but not dangerous, so whatever) and a bath. It is so nice that right after the baby is born they won’t take him to the side and give him shots and a bath. I mean, the poor little guy will have just been through a huge, traumatic event, giving him an hour or so to snuggle is a better choice. The rooms are not as nice, and definitely not as large, but still pretty good sized. There is a bed, armoire, fridge, private bathroom with shower and a fold out futon chair thing, plus a window. Oh, and a bassinet for the baby. I guess they don’t want you walking around in the ward carrying the baby because of safety. I mean, if someone was going to steal a baby, they probably wouldn’t grab the entire rolling bassinet. This is when and where we will take visitors. I think it will be easier to have visitors at the hospital than at home. I will feel less pressure to entertain people and I think people won’t stay as long. That is my hope. We need to find a way to communicate this with our families without sounding bitchy though. It isn’t that I don’t want guests, I totally do, I just think I may be super exhausted and I don’t want people staying for hours and hours.

The hospital has a 65-75% epidural rate, and the national average is about 75% so that isn’t too bad, but it definitely could be a lot better. I doubt I will find a nurse that is super into natural birth, but you never know. They do heplock instead of IV and there is a chance for intermittent monitoring using a Doppler rather than a band, which is pretty great if I am in the bathtub. I just don’t want to have to get back in bed every hour and lay there for 20 minutes. Plus, I asked about getting admitted and they will send you home, which is good because a lot of hospitals won’t, they will just let you labor for a few hours and then push pitocin, which is currently my greatest apprehension.

We also filled out basic information and the birth certificate form. That was so real. It was odd to write a name for a baby that doesn’t really exist yet. I mean, he exists, but it just isn’t the same. Like, if he just stayed in utero he wouldn’t need his own name, he would just be my baby. Also, I learned about paternity assignment. In the state of CO if you are married there is no need to prove or even claim paternity, it is just assumed. Which totally explains why Mike had to take a paternity test for his ex-wife’s son even though they both said it wasn’t his. Anyway, I Mike and I can’t just say the baby is his, he has to fill out another form acknowledging legal and financial responsibility for X. So, what happens if you are not talking to the mom or at the hospital when the baby is born? There is just no dad on the certificate and you have to go through the paternity determination stuff from the state. That seems rather ridiculous to me, if both people say he is the dad, what is the problem? Anyway, I am glad we know what we want/need to do to make sure Mike is established as the father right away.

In Mike and Donna news, we are opening a shared checking account tonight. Gulp. It is starting with just X’s money, so that we can get everything we still need for him. But we are going to transition our direct deposits to this account and pay all of our bills from it. Our bills. Holy crap. I was married to Devin and we NEVER shared a bank account. I mean, he had access to mine and a bank card (which he used to buy Heather lunch one day when he was out of his own money and figured, yeah, I am broke, why not use my wife’s money to buy another girl lunch) but we never shared anything. We always had separate bills and separate accounts. I never knew how much anything he did cost, or where he spent his money, or even how much money he actually made. But soon Mike and I will be sharing all of this information, and when this year is over we will be sharing one paycheck. That is sort of huge on the Donna anti-commitment scale. We have a good budget and plan, and I am not at all worried about the actual money part (aside from just not having enough) but it is more the symbolism behind it. We will have checks with both of our names on them. Wow. I think that gets us really close to common law marriage in CO. Not as far as Coors is considered for insurance, but I think shared checking could be used as evidence, especially since he will be supporting me and our son. Holy crap, we are going to have a son, like a really small human who belongs and is made of us. Wow.

So, Mike is pretty awesome and has great timing. I was having an epically bad day yesterday. Or last week, or this month, or whatever. Just bad all around. I feel fat and unattractive, I don’t really look pregnant, my body already hurts and as you can tell I am pretty damn whiny. I am a lot of fun, can you tell?

So, yesterday Mike did two great thing. He got me a prenatal massage gift certificate and he completely cleaned out the nursery. I wish I had a before picture because the nursery has been the place were we put EVERYTHING that we don’t know what to do with. Books, photos, papers, dining room table and chairs, futon, all of this army shit. Just everything. And yesterday he sorted it, took it all to good will, put the stuff that matters in the other room and cleaned the whole thing. All that is in there now is an end table that we will keep in there for the baby, a few pillows for the baby and a TV—again, we are keeping it for the baby. That is a lot to get done in a day. But he also took all of the Christmas decorations to the basement, put up all of the miscellaneous shit and made room for the Christmas tree by rearranging the furniture in the living room. So, my super shitty day/week/month ended pretty damn great. I am still fat or whatever, but at least I can start working on the nursery.

Sharing the News

I don't know what it is, but I hate telling people I am pregnant. I detest it. I have no idea why. Actually, telling strangers isn't so bad, so it is just people I know. I love that I am pregnant, I am super excited for the baby and am getting to the stage that is supposed to be enjoyable. I have started to dream about the baby moving instead of having nightmares about miscarriages. So, it isn't that I don't like being pregnant, and it isn't that I don't like people knowing, that doesn't bother me at all, I just hate telling people. Maybe it is because we are an unconventional couple and that makes other people unsure about how they feel. No one has asked me if I plan on getting married now that I am pregnant, but Mike faces that a lot. Maybe I am just apprehensive of judgment. I am happy with my decision. I love Mike, I am happier than I have ever been in my life and I am very content with my decisions. Yet I just hate telling people. Maybe I should have told people we were trying, then it wouldn't be a surprise, but I didn't really want that pressure either. I don't know. Maybe it is just who I am. I get too much attention for it.

1st Baby Doc

We went to the doctor yesterday to have our first check up and see the baby. The baby is good--a few days later (or newer) than we thought. The doctor said the baby is 7 weeks 6 days instead of 8 weeks. No big deal now, but come May 23rd I may feel different.

The appointment went well. It was sort of review of everything I can and can't do, but it made me feel a lot better. My chances of having a miscarriage are down to 7% according to her, but I have read that they are as low as 2%. Regardless, that is a hell of a lot better than before. They weighed me and checked everything out. I have a fragile cervix, but it poses no problem for the baby, it just means I will bleed a lot more when I give birth and throughout my pregnancy. Awesome. I asked if it was an infection, and she said no, but still, it is scary no matter what. On the bright side I loved her.

On the down side, she will not deliver my baby. In fact, it will be really random who delivers my baby, and that is just how Kaiser does it, so I can't even find a doctor in my insuranace network that will deliver my baby. It is just random. In some ways this makes it better because when I am in labor and panicking I won't freak out that my doctor isn't there, since that is assumed from the start. It is just sort of weird. I am nervous that whatever Mike and I decide to do for our birth plan won't matter at all. I am worried that I will have to have IVs and continuous fetal monitoring and such. Hopefully at 30 weeks when we go to the hospital to preregister they will help explain that, since really it is mostly nurses and the doctor just catches :)

The only thing really on my mind about it is the genetic testing. I won't have an amniocentesis, I already know that, but Kaiser offers a blood test that could detect many defects and at our 24 week ultrasound they can also look for soft signs of Down's Syndrome, Trisomy 18 and Fragile X syndrome. It won't affect me anyway, I would still carry the baby to term. However, the doctor said some people want to know so that they can mentally prepare. I honestly don't think it is possible to mentally prepare for a baby period. The only concern I have is cleft-lip/cleft-palette. 2 of Mike's nieces have it and we would have to talk to a geneticist to find out our risk. I am sure it is pretty low regardless, but it does occur in his family. The only reason I would care is because I would want to find out about feeding. Since a baby who cannot nurse is significantly different than a baby who can, it would be worth it to know that ahead of time. I think. Maybe. Part of me just wants to assume everything is fine and go on from there. We will see how I feel in a few months.

After we went to the doctor we had lunch where I ate more than I have since I got pregnant, which was nice. Then we played mini-golf and went bowling--it was the best day ever. Mike accidentally hit me in the head with a golf club and it hurt like hell. I have a lump. It made me cry, but I was sort of shocked. It DID hurt, and it made my eyes water, but I cried like a kid does. I think it startled me and made my eyes water and then I cried because of hormones. It was so weird. I remembered what it felt like to be a little kid and cry when you get hurt--it was a weird combo of surprise and pain and just like having my feelings hurt that I got hit with a golf club. Ridiculous, but interesting. Our next appointment is 12 weeks, and we get to hear the heartbeat!! I can't wait.

Ahhh

This may make you sick, that is the warning, but it is my blog so I don't care. Don't read this if you are not in a very happy place, or else you may want to kill me.

So, we are trying to make a baby. Everyone who reads this is an adult, I think, so I am assuming we all know what that means and entails and that we are all okay with it. If not, again, my blog, peace out. I, uh, really like "making babies" in general. In fact, it is good for me to be in a committed relationship because otherwise I tend to compete with Tucker Max or Chelsea Handler. If you don't know who they are, look them up, they wrote books about "making babies" except hopefully with birth control. For my whole life I have looked for the right guy, possibly too hard and in many wrong places. Hell, I married an obviously wrong choice and convinced myself it was a good idea, even though everyone, myself included (and him too) knew it was not. One problem with the wrong guy is that the "making babies" part sucks. Well, not at first, which leads us in a circle back to Max and Handler, because novelty does have a place in all of this. The problem for me is that novelty generally runs out around month eight. That is not very long when you are 28 years old. Novelty evolves into mundane, which leads to frustration, discontentment, resentment and eventually complete dissatisfaction. That has been my personal experience. Day 1 = okay, day 5 = perfect, month 8 = completely over it. I thought that is just how it was. Enter perfect boyfriend. Year 2 and we are still around day 5, at least for me and I hope for him.....Uh, this post wasn't actually supposed to be about this, I somehow got caught up in this and think that when this blog goes live I will need to lock this entry (right now it is unsearchable, so unless someone knows the EXACT url address, they can't find it, and it doesn't scroll on blogger's list so random people won't find it). I am not sure perfect boyfriend really wants this made public. Regardless, yes, day five and staying, even though we are in year 2.

So, what this was really supposed to be about....the other night we were in bed, watching tv and PBF kissed me (in the baby making way, which is why the post started that way). I instantly got butterflies. Like the kind you get in middle school when the boy you like holds your hand or when you get asked to prom. Two years, committed relationship, making babies and I still get butterflies. I didn't know that sort of love existed--the kind where you can love someone long term, but have it not be ordinary or expected.

Starting off Right

After scouring other baby blogs, I found some interesting coincidences. Most of them start with odd biographical information. Although I don't actually expect anyone to read this blog, I still found it somewhat fitting and think I will do the same. Although it is usually the first post, and doesn't have a disclaimer explaining why the author is doing something, I still like it. Here we go.

I am a divorced 27 year old who is madly in love with my somewhat younger, also divorced, much less jaded, boyfriend. I adore him. We have decided to make a baby. Hopefully the baby will also be much less jaded than I am :)

We are not married, nor engaged, and yes, this is planned. I am not pregnant yet. In fact, today is the first day since I was 15 that I have not actively tried to NOT get pregnant. I know some people will assume it is an accident. I would like to say that I am okay with that, but I am not. I think I will spend the next few years explaining to everyone that is was very intentional, well thought-out and planned yes planned. I still clearly remember arguing with a 1st grader (I was also a first grader at the time) that parents absolutely DO NOT have to be married to make a baby. I remember arguing that marriage was a legal institution and making babies was a biological phenomenon, therefore, they were not connected at all. I also remember the first grader being rather cross-eyed at this revelation. I think people will be rather cross eyed at the revelation that two people can choose and try to have a baby without being married first. For some people the idea of choosing to have a baby before choosing to get married is just as confusing as the idea that babies and marriage are not connected was for the little girl. Now, most adults can deal with accidentally getting pregnant and choosing to keep the baby, but that is not the case here, and I just know this is going to be a constant convincing scheme. This is my proof. World, I choose knowingly to conceive a baby with someone I am not legally attached too. So there. Not all babies born into wedlock are accidents.

Currently I am a secondary teacher. I love my job, however, in exactly 17 days it will no longer exist. They are closing my school. My kids have to find new academic homes, and I have to find a new teaching position. So far, I have had no luck. I am looking, and applying, and hoping. I love teaching, but I am somewhat hesitant of new schools and districts because of my attachments to my school and district. However, I need a job for a year.

My wonderful partner in all of this however, has a very stable, high paying job, which makes the whole unemployment thing less scary. Not that I won't have some sort of work, but it is just less crucial I guess. His job isn't going anywhere, as long as he can avoid the beckoning middle management that I cannot help but feel he is being molded into.

I have wanted a baby for a long time. Not actually wanted I guess, but wanted to know that some day I would have one. I have always felt too young, too unstable, too broke. But this spring, in our tiny kitchen, BF asked if I wanted a baby, at which point I laughed since he knew I did, and he told me he wanted one too. I don't actually think I will ever forget that moment, and I don't think I have ever been happier. It was better than any marriage proposal and meant as much, because in that moment we committed to each other. See, you can divorce someone, but you cannot divorce the parent of your child, not really. I never have to have anything to do with my ex ever again. I choose to, we have the same friends and we get along, but if we didn't, that would be fine. The parent of your child it is forever. The commitment is much higher in reality. They never go away.