Mama Update

I have never been a happy person—maybe as a baby, my mom says I was a happy baby. But I was not a happy child and I did not grow into a happy adult. Thoughtful, insightful, tender, precocious—but not happy. Not just simply good natured and happy. Yet, I find, that I am. That doesn’t mean I don’t get frustrated, or annoyed, and I definitely get stressed, or maybe just live stressed as a new lifestyle, but I am undoubtedly happy. All of the time. I love my life in a way I didn’t think existed. I seriously just didn’t know what happiness was until I found Mike and had X. I am ridiculously, undeniably, happy.

It has been over five months and I am still adjusting to life with a baby. It is a crazy demanding job since there is never a break. I get why “educational baby TV” exists—it gives parents a reprieve. My days revolve around the little dictator’s life—his nap schedule, his nursing schedule, his mood, and development. And that is what I want. We go on play dates and library time and spend a lot of time at the park. We recently, as in right now for the first time, instituted what I like to call “daddy X time” but what is really “mommy needs a fucking break RIGHT NOW” time. However, I really do honestly believe that is really important for X and Mike to spend time along together. Granted, Mike took X to his parents for a visit, but still. I am not there and X needs that. Mike and X need to bond more and develop a way to do things their way, because I am way too inclined to “help” or “tell Mike exactly how to do something and then take X out of his arms when he doesn’t do it right my way” and all that does is undermine Mike, which I know, and I get, but I just.can’t.help.it. So Mike needs to learn how to take care of X on his own, well not learn, that makes he sound like he doesn’t know how. He needs a chance to take care of X on his own because someday soon he will need to because I will go back to work. And Mike is X’s parent too and should be able to put him down for a nap or whatever on his own. Plus, I would feel so much better if I knew X didn’t cry the entire time I am gone since he is used to being alone with his dad.

Physically I am still healing. My cesarean section still hurts considerably and I am afraid that something may be wrong. I am going for a post-surgery massage because I need someone to tell me it is okay. I have a nasty scar which the doctor assured me would fade, but it is pretty knarly still. I have excess skin on my belly and stretch marks all over. And my butt is gone?! What the hell? I am 5 pounds lighter than I was when I got pregnant though, so hopefully in time I will also shrink. It is crazy to think that in the course of one year I gained and lost over 55 pounds, and swelled many inches in all sorts of places. A year is not very long. But I am ecstatic to be a normal size for my wedding, which is in about 8 months. Since I am a stay at home mom I actually get plenty of sleep, which is good because I am not good without sleep. I have no idea how working mom’s do it. I guess it becomes more of a team effort with Mike getting up with X at night, but right now, it works for us. All three of us are happy and healthy and building our family, and I love it. Every minute of it. PS. Did you see my freaken ring? I am still in shock.