My life is hard right now. Really hard. I cry a lot, and X cries a lot, which makes me cry more. On top of the general reasons that I am having a hard time that I really don't think is internet public information is a lot of guilt about X. I feel bad. I feel bad he isn't with his dad, that he doesn't have any consistency, that I can't put him first, that he only has one parent and that means that parent never gets a break and therefore cannot be very good. I took a year off to be a parent, and for two whole months that has been my second priority and I feel like shit (which really worries me about going back to work, but that is a whole other post). This is compounded by guilt I have about Mike not getting to see X take his first steps, or hear him laugh in the morning, or any of that. Oh god, the guilt. It is killing me. This is not the kind of parent I want to be. However, I do try to put things in perspective. Since X was born, conceived really, I have tried my best and I am quickly realizing that that is more than a lot of people give. I put my child first always (except the last two months). Even at home when I need a break, really that helps me be a better mom. Being alone with him as made me realize that to be a good mom, I need a break. Maybe that will help that guilt when I actually get a break. 24/7 single parenting is for the birds. So, I am going to spend the rest of this post giving myself a pep talk about all of the awesome things I do for X. Or at least, generally do for X.
First, and I mean this with all sincerity, I chose the best dad in the world for him. Hands down. The best husband, the best dad, the best man I know. That is a huge gift to give a child. Please, please, love the person you choose to have babies with, and honor and respect them as people, parents and spouses, or ex spouses, I guess just as people would work.
I carefully prepared myself for labor and delivery. Did it go how I wanted? No. Not one minute of it. But did I try my very best to do what was best for my child. Yes. 100%. I had a c-section and no one thinks that is good, but I tried for HOURS before I had an epi, or pitocin or considered a c-section. And, when he was in danger, I didn't falter on the decision to have one. I just did.
I took care of myself when I was pregnant. I walked, and ate healthy and gained a lot of weight and didn't worry about it. I grew a beautiful baby.
I breastfeed. And it SUCKS. And I do it anyway, even though it hurts, and is exhausting and WAY hard. I go to meetings and support groups and eat shitty food for weeks. By shitty I mean insanely limited and healthy.
We cloth diaper. It really isn't hard, and I like it, but it is still good.
We do things. Free things, money things, just things. We go outside, we play, we visit people with babies and without babies. We go out to eat, to school, whatever.
We don't watch TV at home. X has NEVER watched TV at home. Okay, that is a lie, he watched 20 minutes of The King's Speech and one episode of The Glee Project. I still think that is pretty freaken good.
We co-sleep. Same room, same bed, whatever. Is it the perceived norm? No. Is it the factual norm? Yes. Do I care? No. I LOVE sleeping with him and cannot imagine having him in another room when he is still so little.
I tell Mike when I need a break. I need to work on this one more. I usually get too strung out before I take a break, but I do it before I totally lose it, usually.
I tell him I love him when I get frustrated, and all the time other than that too. It helps me not get frustrated.
I try to use recycled, organic or used products. I totally buy cheap ass plastic shit, but I try not to, because he will get this world. And he needs it to be safe.
I research the shit out of safety stuff, like car seats.
I let him eat healthy food on his own schedule. Is it cute to spoon feed a baby? Yes. However, there is growing research about self weaning and I am all about it.
My child has never had processed baby food or formula. Ever. When my milk didn't come in I requested donated breast milk. I am so glad I knew about it.
I realize this is sort of a bitchy list of all of the shit that I do right, implying other people do it wrong. I used to think what works for a family works for them and to each their own, and on some of this stuff I still do. On other stuff, not so much. But, this is to remind me that I am not a horrible mother when I listen to my son scream for his dad, and try to remember that at least he knows his dad. And to remind me that I can do it for two more weeks, then, I get to go back and do all of that stuff on that list. And be with my husband and our son in our little corner of the world. Together.
