ER Fun

On Sunday night I had to go to the ER. I tried all day to not go to Urgent Care and to just go to the doctor first thing on Monday, but I couldn't handle the immense pain and went to the hospital (coincidentally, it will be the same hospital that I will deliver the ever illusive baby). I felt like I was dying. Earlier in the day I had signs of a bladder infection. These are pretty regular with me, so I am good at self-diagnosis. However, as the night went on I grew really concerned. I felt like I had the worst cramps of my life mixed with one hell of a bladder infection. I was in tears it was so bad. I have no idea what could possibly cause pain like that. I tried looking it up online to no avail. I couldn't find anything about cramps that are two weeks too early and a bladder infection complication. Regardless, we arrived at the hospital where I was seen by a doctor that was younger than me (although awesome) who I told everything. Normally I am shy about such things, so either I am growing up or I was in too much pain to care, but I used anatomically correct body parts in front of my boyfriend to a doctor younger than me, and I didn't care. I guess it will be good practice when I actually have to give birth. I told Dr. Youngpants that I was trying to get pregnant (which totally explains the bladder infection feeling) so he said he would do a pregnancy test. I was (well, am) convinced that something was wrong with my baby parts, either there was a baby and something went wrong, or there still is a baby but something is wrong. I don't know. I just feel like there is, although I have no evidence or medical expertize and have never been pregnant. Dr. Youngpants only took a urine sample and said that I had a bacterial infection, diagnosed as a kidney infection (who the hell gets a kidney infection in less than 24 hours?!) and told me I wasn't pregnant. Here is the thing, it was only 5 days after my scheduled ovulation, and he didn't do a blood test. Can a hospital urine test really be that much better than an at home urine test? Because if so, they really need to work on making that available to everyone, since it is only urine. If not, can I still be pregnant? It is depressing enough to not be pregnant for sure for two weeks while trying and then spending two weeks waiting to test, but at this point it is 6 weeks in a row with a mere 5 days of thinking that I may be pregnant. Eff this whole thing, how the hell do teenagers get pregnant the first time they have sex while on birth control and I can't even get pregnant with intentional timing and charting and a kick ass sex life? Really?

Waiting

It is miserable to have to wait for a pregnancy test. I don't feel pregnant. Does that mean anything? Does anyone feel pregnant? I have read a ton of articles essentially saying that no one thinks that it is real until they 1) see the ultra sound, 2) feel the baby move, 3) give birth. That flat out sucks. I don't want to wait, and I want to be pregnant and I am stamping my feet about it. Urg, Urg, Urg!

Home is....

I have lived in Colorado for 10 years now. Almost exactly ten years. In that time I have graduated high school, college and earned two MAs. I have been married and divorced, lost my high school sweetheart, met numerous guys that didn't live up to any standards and finally found the man of my dreams. It took me probably five years to even call CO home. Colorado was simply where I lived, but NM was always home. Every time I came home to CO, particularly on an airplane, my stomach would clench and I would think, "No, no, I don't actually live here, right?" I would almost cry with dread as I realized that not only was a vacation over, but that I didn't even want to be home. It took me years to not ball every time I left NM, to not daydream about taking I-25 south on my way to work. But, as time went on, I found teaching. I love teaching, but it also made CO tolerable for me. The main reason was like-minded people. Teachers are liberal--not always in politics, but generally in life. They are service oriented. They are people oriented. They care about more than a job or a career. It made me love my job every day, which is something, that for me, is a necessity.

Now, why is this on a baby blog, rather than a normal blog? I went home for the 4th. I always go home for the 4th, in my family is a HUGE deal. There were 70 people there, on my family's land, camping, eating, talking. There were at least ten young teenage girls: best friends, inseparable and devoted to each other. There were a dozen kids and an equal amount of toddlers and babies. That was my life. I had the privilege to grow up not worried about friends; who needs friends when you have that many cousins? I always had someone to talk to, to hang out with, to listen. There was always an adult to trust and always a cup of coffee to drink with someone. Lonely doesn't happen in NM. Not if you are a Shearer. There is a built in support system that Facebook and email can't replace. There are babysitters when you need one, someone to help build a fence--or hell a house, someone to give you a ride and nowadays someone to lobby congress for you--I am not exaggerating. My third and fourth cousins are almost like sibling, we grew up together. Their kids are like nieces and nephews. And then there were always the CO cousins.

We liked them, they were novel. They lived in cities with malls, had nice clothes, went to sports games. We hung on every word they said and argued about who was closer when they left. But, there weren't part of us. I would assume they are more like normal cousins in a close family. When I moved to CO I thought my CO cousins had the same thing as my NM cousins did. That on weekends they hung out, went to parties or had dinner together. That their kids would grow up together. But they don't. In fact, I saw them more when I lived in NM--I guess novelty goes both ways. So now, as I attempt to approach motherhood, I look at that for my child. Will they be the kid who is novelty, who all the cousins adore and love, but don't know? The one that just isn't ever going to fit in? The one that will actually need friends? I don't mean that as a bad thing necessarily. Friends are good and god knows I love mine, but they don't replace family. Can I ensure that they will have it, because I can't go back to NM now.

Ahhh

This may make you sick, that is the warning, but it is my blog so I don't care. Don't read this if you are not in a very happy place, or else you may want to kill me.

So, we are trying to make a baby. Everyone who reads this is an adult, I think, so I am assuming we all know what that means and entails and that we are all okay with it. If not, again, my blog, peace out. I, uh, really like "making babies" in general. In fact, it is good for me to be in a committed relationship because otherwise I tend to compete with Tucker Max or Chelsea Handler. If you don't know who they are, look them up, they wrote books about "making babies" except hopefully with birth control. For my whole life I have looked for the right guy, possibly too hard and in many wrong places. Hell, I married an obviously wrong choice and convinced myself it was a good idea, even though everyone, myself included (and him too) knew it was not. One problem with the wrong guy is that the "making babies" part sucks. Well, not at first, which leads us in a circle back to Max and Handler, because novelty does have a place in all of this. The problem for me is that novelty generally runs out around month eight. That is not very long when you are 28 years old. Novelty evolves into mundane, which leads to frustration, discontentment, resentment and eventually complete dissatisfaction. That has been my personal experience. Day 1 = okay, day 5 = perfect, month 8 = completely over it. I thought that is just how it was. Enter perfect boyfriend. Year 2 and we are still around day 5, at least for me and I hope for him.....Uh, this post wasn't actually supposed to be about this, I somehow got caught up in this and think that when this blog goes live I will need to lock this entry (right now it is unsearchable, so unless someone knows the EXACT url address, they can't find it, and it doesn't scroll on blogger's list so random people won't find it). I am not sure perfect boyfriend really wants this made public. Regardless, yes, day five and staying, even though we are in year 2.

So, what this was really supposed to be about....the other night we were in bed, watching tv and PBF kissed me (in the baby making way, which is why the post started that way). I instantly got butterflies. Like the kind you get in middle school when the boy you like holds your hand or when you get asked to prom. Two years, committed relationship, making babies and I still get butterflies. I didn't know that sort of love existed--the kind where you can love someone long term, but have it not be ordinary or expected.

Not Yet Incubating

I am not pregnant yet. I had this idea that it would be super easy, super fast and happen romantically on my perfect trip to Europe. Although the trip was awesome, it was not perfect and a baby was not conceived. I was not prepared for how utterly devastating that would feel. Perhaps it is a bit dramatic, but it was devastating. I had assumed it would just happen, in fact I was honestly very concerned that it would happen too early and I would be pregnant in May. Now it is going to be July, or August, or gulp, September. Please just let it be July. On top of all of that, and this is TMI so you may want to skip to the next paragraph, getting your period really sucks when you aren't on the pill anymore. Not that on the pill is it great or whatever, but I had sort of forgotten how bad cramps really are and how long this damn thing last. I miss my birth control pills so much right now. Plus, hormonally, the pill totally regulates everything. So not being on the pill makes me emotionally, shall we say, sensitive? Crazy may be more accurate. Therefore, I get all psyched right before my period thinking that I am pregnant, then I am not and it is a crushing reality paired with irrational emotions due to hormones. Fun times.

Anyway, my friend Amber is pregnant, her baby is due in October. This weekend I went to her baby shower and although slightly overcome with jealousy, I had a good time. It was a really nice: party with games that were not offensive or obnoxious, which is a plus, yummy cake, nice people. Yet, based on a conversation with Allison, another great friend, we have decided that our showers will have alcohol. Not like lots, but a nice punch or maybe mimosas. I am not sure how I will hack that since you don't get to throw your own party, but that is the plan. Allison is trying to get pregnant too, but she doesn't know that I am. No one really knows. It is hard enough to deal with not being pregnant without the world asking and commenting. Everyone who knows, which I can count on one hand (well, two hands I guess if parents count as two people) have already asked if I am pregnant or made a comment about it. Which I don't mind, that is why those people know, but still, if I had to facebook about it or something I may die. I am not sure why anyone tells before they are actually pregnant, although I know waiting 12-14 weeks will also be miserable when I am pregnant. Anyway, I digress. The baby shower. It was nice with tents and cake and games. I like the "decorate a onesy" activity. I also made this adorable card for Amber that I love.

Baby Book

I really want to read this book, but I don't want to read it on vacation because A) I am not pregnant, B) I don't want the person next to me on the plane to talk to me about it and C) I don't want to tell everyone that we are trying yet, and I assume this would be a dead giveaway.

Anyway, when I get back, Barnes and Noble and I have a date.

Paul, mother of two, probes the business of parenting, exposing the high price of raising kids in our consumer-driven nation. Paul points out that it costs upwards of a million dollars to raise a child in the U.S. these days, especially if one buys into the theory that baby must have everything on the market. Following the money, Paul dissects the booming baby business, including smart toys that don't really make kids smarter, themed baby showers and parenting coaches and consultants. The text is a tireless rundown of parents' seemingly bottomless pocketbooks when it comes to bringing up baby, and according to Paul this is not just an upscale, cosmopolitan phenomenon—throughout the country parents are reaching deep into their pockets to fuel this spiraling craze. Though Paul incorporates the pithy quotes of a number of experts, such as psychologist David Elkind's observation, Computers are part of our environment, but so are microwaves and we don't put them in cribs, readers may find themselves wishing for more commentary and less litany. But Paul isn't preachy, although she does reveal that what babies really need is holding, singing, dancing, conversation and outdoor play.
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Elephantine

Now that we are officially "trying" or at least not actively trying to prevent a pregnancy, I am sort of obsessed with my weight. I gained about 10 pounds during all of the end of the year, not having a job anxiety and I am scared I will never lose it. Like, ever. Since I am already 10 pounds heavier than I want to be, I cannot see pregnancy helping. See, some women, I think few, get back to their pre-baby weight, but how many get even thinner than that? If I am overweight now do I have any hope? I am not sure right now that I am not pregnant. I don't think I am, but I am not sure, I could be. Therefore, I am not willing to risk dieting. I don't think under eating while trying to start a pregnancy is a great idea. I am not really ever going to be sure I am not pregnant, well, except for like 4 days a month and I am definitely NOT giving up food then. Maybe I should just go with an elephant theme for the nursery, then the baby will recognize me :(