Venting

Warning, this post will have lots of expletives and general complaining as well as a pity party for me. If you aren't game, peace the fuck out.

So, breastfeeding....it was going better. Great, no. Enjoyable, far from. But just another thing I did that I didn't really like, yes. Sort of like waxing my eyebrows, but 12 times a day (speaking of which, I REALLY need to do something about my unibrow). I had gotten to the point where I was like, hey, I can do this for a year.

Then BAM. What happened? I don't fucking know, but something happened. All of the sudden my normal super boob started hurting like hell. No idea why. It happened the same time I switched from Lansinoh to Nuk breast pads, but I have no idea if there is a connection. Needless to say, I don't use the Nuk ones anymore. It felt like there was a splinter in my nipple, it ached sort of all the time, but if ANYTHING touched it it became much more painful. Well, nipples are sort of touching something all the time. Since then (about a week, maybe two) it has gotten worse. When I first looked it at I couldn't see anything wrong, but over the week the tissue on the very front of my nipple has been deteriorating, getting sucked off, fuck I don't know, but there is a gulley that runs down the front of my nipple. Painful as fuck. Well, I decided to pump instead last week.

Pumping was awesome, it felt so good to get all of the milk out. But whoa, my boob freaked the fuck out and went on hyper drive and made so much milk I got engorged. My nipple wasn't even pliable. It hurt so bad. So I went back to breastfeeding, the break didn't help at all. In fact, it hurt more to feed X after my 24 hour hiatus than it did before. But we went on. Then yesterday I couldn't take it anymore and I made an appointment with another lactation consultant. This will be my official 4th appointment. It is on Friday. FUCK. I have to feed my kid until then.

And that is the fucking  nonsense with breastfeeding. You can't just take a break. You have to feed or pump, if you don't, your milk will go away or you will get engorged, or both. I can't just give him frozen milk for a day, I still have to pump.

And pumping hurts more than feeding him. I have no idea why. It hurts my nipple which makes no sense since nothing is touching it, I feel like I have a bruise where my skin meets my areola and I get shooting pains up into my breast. After I am done it aches for hours, literally. As an added benefit, starting last night, when I pump I get close to nothing. Last night I barely got 3.5 ounces, that is after getting over 6 the week before. Then this morning, less than 1 ounce. Fuck, I can't even feed him that. And now he is resisting eating on that side.

So I think I have a clogged milk duct which is why I can't feed him or pump. I found some very small bumps, so I have been massaging them. What is the cure of clogged milk ducts? Pumping and feeding and warm showers. FUCK.

Okay, I am done now. I am tempted to call WIC and get formula and say FUCK ALL THIS SHIT. But it is the last thing I have, I don't want to give it up. It is the only thing I can give X right now and I feel like a horrible, incapable parent that I can't do it.