Updates, rants, blogging. I thought, mistakenly as with most things when I got pregnant, that I would have ample time to document my little man. The truth is, babies sleep a lot--in cars, in arms, on mommy. The typing on a keyboard is just one of those noises that X can hear throughout the house. I swear. But also, it got boring. I love X and all the stuff he does, and I know I will want to know when he hit milestones when he is twenty, but I just get bored of blogging. My kid is a genius, just know that and move on. It also gets a little creepy for me when people I know read my blog, I don't like it. I don't want to offend anyone, or come off as passive aggressive, so then I don't post things I actually care about, which again, makes it boring. I mean really, how often can I talk about cloth diapers and the just how darn cute he is? So, I run out of things to say because I don't want to offend anyone. Then I realize, blogs are just soapboxes, and no one has to read them, so maybe I shouldn't care. I am not there yet, but I am really working on caring less about what other people think.
Life is crazy now--1st birthday party, wedding, returning to work. That is a LOT. And today is my first mother's day, which is more depressing than I originally thought it would be. I am sort of astonished with just how unappreciated I feel today. I had no idea a stupid holiday could make me feel so sad, especially when X is so perfect. I should be so happy that on my first mother's day I have a beautiful baby boy who I love more than anything in this world. That he is happy and healthy and smart. But really, all I want, is to not do the dishes, or change a diaper, or go to bed at 8:00 so that he will just stay asleep. Okay, the going to bed at 8 isn't that bad. I just had no idea, that what I would want on my first mother's day more than anything, is a break from being a mom. That sounds so horrible. But just to sleep, to eat, to shower without having to ask someone. I feel like X is an extension of me that I always have to think about. When will he nap? What will he wear? What will he eat? Is this best for him? And sometimes, I just want to be able to run an errand or get a pedicure. I have to figure out where he will be and with who and how he will nap on his birthday, and my wedding day, and how to take a vacation with him. It is just, exhausting. Motherhood is exhausting.
And then, to complicate it, I have started counting down the days until I go back to work. I am excited and happy to do something with my days again, or something with more structure--dont' get me wrong, caring for a baby 24/7 is a JOB, I am looking forward to more down time, but I am so, so sad to leave him, that I never want to now. I know I need to work, but I just don't want to miss out on anything, and as much as it is frustrating that he only ever wants me, it is nice that I can always calm him. I have to remember, my mom worked every day of my life (that I remember at least) and I have no issues with that at all. My mom and I are closer than most and I respect and honor her and her decision to work. I don't think X will be damaged by me working, but I think I may be. So, I want to sleep and get a pedicure, but I don't want to leave him. Really, I just want the house to be clean without me doing it, or feeling guilty for not doing it.
Then there are issues I really care about. Like what the hell North Carolina? Defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman isn't asshole enough for you, you have to amend your constitution?! So much for that vacation, NC isn't getting my money. And CO is trying to pass a civil unions bill, about bloody time (X and I will be protesting that tomorrow). I hope that when X is old enough to really get it, it seems odd to him that this was ever even an issue. And Spain, and Greece, and public education. Oy. So many things I care about.
So, I guess I continue to do what I can--do the dishes, wash the clothes, change another diaper. Love my son and spend as much time as I can with him while still maintaining my sense of self. Try to pull off a first birthday party and plan a wedding. Accept that other people don't care about the same things. Change the opinions of people who I think are actually wrong. Breastfeed, regardless of the ridiculous Times article and my idiot brother. And not cry more than necessary.
9 years ago
1 comment:
X will be close to you forever. A job won't change that. But you have every right to feel like it's going to be hard. Because it is. I have a lot of respect for you for taking off a full year to be there for him - and I cannot imagine how hard it is to go back after becoming so close. But you will always be the one that soothes him. Always.
I hope that your 1st Mother's Day wrapped up nicely. That you got to sit back and realize how much you've accomplished. Because that baby of yours didn't become a genius on his own. And I hope that, sometime soon, you get time to get that pedicure and appreciate how awesome YOU are.
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