Wedding Woes

Wow, I am really on a ball today, and X is sleeping, so awesome.

Anyway, we are less than three weeks out from our wedding. My second wedding. The one I didn't really want (I changed my mind obviously). I spend a lot of time planning this wedding. A LOT OF TIME. And money, oh god the money. Remind me why we didn't go to Greece again. Santorini with a white dress...oh the pictures. Anyway, we didn't. Mike and I are not part of a church, and our close (probably intoxicated friend) Brandon will be officiating the wedding, in a bar. Needless to say, marriage counseling is not on the agenda. I didn't have marriage counseling the first time I did this either. Well, not until we had to in order to get divorced. Mike and I have a strong foundation. We have made it through a pregnancy and first year of parenthood rather unscathed and I think our relationship is pretty rock solid. I would be lying if I said this is how I felt on round one. Not to mention, having a baby is supposed to cause more stress in a relationship than anything else, and if that is the case, we are golden. But I am still nervous. This is still round two. And I am still sort of anti-marriage in general. I hide my trepidation with cynicism and snide remarks, but I am downright terrified of ruining another marriage. Although, I refuse to take the full blame for ruining my last marriage. Anyway, on my Pinterest page I keep finding pins of marriage advice. It must be the people I follow. Unfortunately, a lot of it is very religious, or at least has a base in religion. I am trying to not automatically discount it just because of this trait. I mean, my grandparents are very religious, and happily married, and my other grandmother was a very devote Catholic and stayed married to my heathen grandfather for, gosh, 65 years maybe. So, maybe I can take some of this advice and just avoid the praying together nonsense. However, one of the lists I am going to downright steal because I HATE the organization that it comes from. HATE. It is a hate group as far as I am concerned, and while I may like some of this list, I refuse to give them even one redirect. So, here is a list of 100 ways to make your marriage rock, adapted to make it non-Christian and gender neutral, with a few of my own added here and there. Wow, there were 20(!) that were either religiously based or so structured in gender roles I couldn't change them?! I like this list, I think it is mostly common sense, but stuff that is easy to forget, overlook or put off. And some was less obvious. We want out of debt because it is a good financial decisions, for instance, but I do think it will make our marriage stronger because it will reduce stress.

1. Write him/her letters
2. Go on regular date nights
3. Revitalize the romance with intimate dates
4. Hide notes in secret places
5. Go to bed at the same time
6. Listen to music together-share earbuds
7. Send him/her on a scavenger hunt in the house
8. Buy him gifts he will love
9. Hide a treat in his/her glovebox or desk at work
10. Wear shirts that tell the world you love your spouse
11. Praise your spouse to other people
12. Let them overhear you
13. Be best friends
14. Don’t nag
15. Remember to do things you said you would
16. Pick up after yourself, and each other
17. Renew your vows privately with whispers and memories
18. Renew them publicly with cake and bubbly
19. Fight naked
20. Tell him/her you like him/her
21. Receive compliments
22. Pick your battles
23. Show her you love her/him and tell him you respect him/her
24. Go away together at least once a year
25. Frame your wedding vows
26. Hang pictures of the two of you around your house
27. Kiss in front of your kids
28. Make/buy his/her favorite dessert/meal
29. Have pictures of just the two of you made
30. Make sex a priority
31. Spend time apart occasionally
32. Learn to enjoy something s/he loves
33. Surprise each other
34. Text each other from across the room
35. Be accountable to each other
36. Set reminders on your phone to remember him/her throughout the week
37. Be affectionate
38. Leave work and come home early
39. Wash, vacuum the other person's car
40. Engage every day in meaningful conversation
41. Compliment each other
42. Touch your spouse several times throughout the day
43. Take one day a month to make your spouse your total focus
44. Let each other sleep in
45. Be spontaneous!
46. Argue fair: avoid these words “you always” and “you never”
47. Kiss every day
48. Find tangible ways to serve your mate without complaining
49. Forgive quickly
50. Be honest, but not hurtful
51. Get on the same page: plan your budget together
52. Look your best as often as you can
53. Get out of debt (and stay out)
54. Laugh together
55. Have a date night in
56. When your together-BE TOGETHER (take a break from phones, technology, etc)
57. Talk about your favorite memories together
58. Tell him/her s/he’s sexy just because
59. Make him/her breakfast in bed
60. Get a couple’s massage or host your own privately
61. Read a book out loud together
62. Dance together-soft music (alone) or rocking music with the kids
63. Bring her/him a favorite drink during the middle of the day
64. Exercise together-hikes, bike riding, etc
65. Choose not to be annoyed by an irritating behavior/disappointment
66. Tell him a secret he doesn’t know about you
67. Thank your spouse just because, often
68. Sit on the same side of a booth at a restaurant
69. Lay in bed together and stare into each other eyes, without talking
70. Learn something new together-take an art class, cooking lessons, etc
71. Leave a sweet comment on the Facebook wall
72. Teach your kids about marriage
73. Stop what you’re doing, look them in the eye and listen to their answer
74. Create art together
75. Support each other’s goals
76. Know when to talk and when to hush
77. Consider counseling (even if there’s not conflict)
78. Share furniture-sit in his lap
79. Fight for your marriage
80. Remember your spouse rocks-even when they don’t

Additionally, I found this list of The Things that Have Made All of the Difference (in their marriage) from Today's Letters on their 5 year anniversary. They openly say that the first two years of the marriage were hard, particularly the first few months, becuase they didn't communicate well and didn't feel appreciated. Again, I am not into the praying stuff, but I think the rest is pretty good. I adapted and changed this list, please look at their original blog, it is pretty fantastic, just not "me" so I don't want to quote it all, and some don't need explanation, some do.

Weekly Questions:
"Every Sunday Husband and I walk. We talk about lots of things, mostly our faith, our family, and things we are grateful for. But we always ask each other the same five questions:

1. How did you feel loved this past week?
2. What does your upcoming week look like?
3. How would you feel most loved & encouraged in the days ahead?
4. How would you best feel pursued in sex / intimacy this week?
5. How can I pray for you this week? " (Obviously, I would like to skip this one since I don't pray, don't plan on starting and get creeped out when people pray for me)

We (try and) Conflict Well: Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but we believe it exists to make us better, not bitter. We try and keep short accounts with one other by sharing our disappointments and hurt feelings. This isn't always easy but it's necessary in maintaining marital oneness. From experience we know there's nothing more damaging to our relationship than harbored bitterness.

We Play Together

We Celebrate Each Other: Husband and I love to make a big deal out of anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and even smaller personal accomplishments. We are each other's biggest fans, and finding a thoughtful gift or preparing a special meal can make the biggest difference in helping us feel known, loved, and celebrated.

We Don't Do Marriage Alone: Our trusted friends have been incredibly helpful in showing us how to work through some of the bigger issues in our marriage. It wasn't always easy to share these struggles because of our pride and embarrassment, but soon we realized that most couples were struggling with the same things we were. We've learned that isolating only hinders us from truly dealing with our hurts, habits, and hang-ups.

 We Study One Another: Someone once told us that no matter how long you've dated your spouse, the day you get married you're essentially committing your life to a total stranger. This was great advice considering how quickly people change. To say I know Tim fully after 5 yrs of marriage would be a lie. There's so much about him that I don't know about simply because I do not ask. That is why we like to interview each other regularly. It's amazing the things you can learn about your spouse when you take the time to ask both fun and creative questions.

Dude Time / Girl Time: Sometimes one of the best things we can do for our marriage is to spend time apart. It blesses me when Tim is able to take a trip with his guys because I know they meet certain needs that I can't. Similarly, Tim understands that spending a weekend with my girls is critical to my overall mental health and well being. Don't get me wrong, you guys know how madly in love I am with Mr. Loerke, but sometimes all a girl needs is an uninterrupted weekend with her besties. Guys are no different.