Clear, Blue, Pricey

No, I am not incubating yet. Well, I suppose I could be, but I don't think so, which I suppose is a good thing because it would be really irresponsible to drink three Rio margs, a few beers and a martini if I thought I was pregnant. On an irrelevant side note, I really do need to stop drinking so much. I went the first few months always thinking I was pregnant. Now I am always convinced I am not. Since moving into that state I must say I am right a lot more often.

I am, however, extremely frustrated. The frustration manifests itself into all sorts of other things, but essentially I am frustrated that I am not pregnant. This sometimes manifests into hating all teenagers, all religions, all babies, all pregnant women, all women on the pill, all women not on the pill and mostly into hating all people who get pregnant without trying. I find this an amusing phrase because not trying to me means not have unprotected sex, but apparently there are a lot of people out there that disagree and are surprised when unprotected sex results in a zygote. Because apparently not trying to them means...I don't know what. What does fucking trying mean?

Anyway, I digress. Frustration. All of the time. If one more fucking person tells me that everything happens for a reason I am going to shove scissors through his/her ears. This violent inclination also bleeds into people telling me that they are certain it will happen when the time is right. What the fuck? These are the same people who say the time is never right and if you wait for the right time you will never have a kid--because reasonably when is it good to gain 40 pounds, completely ruin a perfect body, halt a career and put more stress on a relationship (or marriage) than anything else possibly could? There is no right time people! Therefore, I will NOT get pregnant at the right time. Or when we are ready. Or when the universe decides it. Or when our relationship is ready. Or when we can handle it. Or when Allah wills it. Ojala my ass. (thank you Mr. Jenkins for explaining the etymology of Ojala in the Spanish language while learning the freaken subjunctive--it is quite suiting at the moment). We will get pregnant when scientifically sperm meets egg, embeds into uterine wall and develops a feeding system and heartbeat. Yes, Virginia, that is where babies come from.

This brings me to modern science. See there is this idea out there that to get pregnant you have to try. Obviously this is not true since teen pregnancy rates are not significantly decreasing. People get pregnant all the time without trying. With that being said, there are significant amounts of people like me out there, who depend on instant gratification and want a fetus NOW! So, they do what is called charting. They write down EVERYTHING to see if they can predict when they ovulate. See, pregnancy depends on ovulation, and you have a much higher chance of getting pregnant if you have sex during ovulation, although many people get pregnant outside of that time frame. This assumes that everything is medically okay other than timing. Theoretically you ovulate two weeks before your period, which is freaken awesome if you have a consistent period. Then it is just basic math. Luckily, I could create my own fucking calendar company based on my cycle so counting back two weeks should be easy. And it is. Except I am not pregnant. So either I do not ovulate on the day I think I do or something else is wrong. Lets hope it is ovulating on a different day, because that is much easier to fix that other issues. So, I have two options. Chart or pee. Charting entails writing down my basal body temperature every day and then looking back on it to see a spike (which only tells you after the fact that you ovulated) and keeping track of my cervical mucus. Sounds like super fun to me. The other way to dish out $50 and buy an over the counter ovulation predictor kit. Guess what one I chose? So now, for a month, I get to pee on a stick and see if I ovulate. If I do, yeah, have sex, make baby. If not, I will email my Dr. and say I know it has not been a year yet, but I am not ovulating. Maybe she will be in a good mood and see me or tell me what I can do to hurry along my ovulation cycle. If it says I am ovulating, and it is at the same time that I think it is, I will email her that. If I ovulate at a different time I suppose Mike and I will try to have a baby on that schedule for a few months and hope.

So, essentially I am heavily in the science part of baby making. I am not going to pray, or wait for the right time, or believe it happens for a reason. I am going to pee on a stick and see if I can manage a little smiley face and two weeks later a plus sign. In the meantime, I will try to not actually commit any violent crimes.


PS--Let's not forget how ridiculously expensive pregnancy tests are either--since those run about $7 a pop. That is a lot of money to pee on is all I am saying.