Please, go the fuck to sleep

Lately X has been sleeping poorly. Well, lately X has not been sleeping. "Normally" he takes a 9:30 nap for about 30-45 minutes, then a two hour nap at 1:00, then a little 30 minute nap in the evening, at like 5:30. Then bed at 8:00. It has never really been an issue. Now he is boycotting morning naps all together and going down for a nap between 2 and 4. Urg. Plus he is getting up all the time during the night to nurse. Like every two hours. So I get maybe an hour of sleep by the time I wake up, nurse him, burp him, get him back to sleep, get him in his co-sleeper, comfort him some more and fall asleep myself. I am exhausted. However, I don't have to go to work, and honestly, I think it is normal for a baby to sleep like this, especially one who may be cutting teeth. That is why I am a stay at home mom, but it makes me SUPER cranky at 5 AM. However, in the nick of time, I found this article that just gave me a little encouragement. I am SO against sleep training, but every once in a while that voice in the back of my head questions my instincts and judgements, but the letters MD at the end of an article can really give me the courage to keep going.

Essentially this is what it says. Babies are super vulnerable, biologically speaking. They can't eat, walk, fight, hide. Essentially, all animals are born when their brains will fit. Well, X's didn't, but you get the idea. They do not know they are born into a developed country in the 21st century. All they know is they will get eaten by something if someone is not there to protect them.

All humans are like this. We have no protection except our ability to live in groups. People wake up all night long, sense safety and go back to sleep. This is interesting for someone with insomnia like myself because I essentially wake up and DON'T sense safety and don't go back to sleep.That is an entirely different blog though. One that doesn't exist, and one that I would probably need lots of therapy to write.

The article goes on to say that as Americans we stress that babies need to learn to sleep alone, to avoid dependency issues, when in reality it is the opposite. Babies don't need to sleep alone, they need to co-sleep. This makes me feel so much better about the fact that X has never, not once, actually slept in his crib. Someday I hope he does, but again, that is more for me than for him. I want my bed back, and Mike back. The end point is that parents measure how good at "parenting" they are based on normal baby behaviors. Most kids don't sleep through the night. That doesn't make me a bad parent. Sleeping with X will mean he wakes up more to nurse, it will also mean he won't die of SIDS or have abandonment issues. Truthfully, if he were in his crib, I would probably be sleeping on his floor anyway, or staying awake ALL night watching the monitor lights and creeping in to peek on him. Some people manage just fine, I hope at 6 months I do, because I feel like at 6 months it will be better for all of us for him to sleep in his crib. Right now, I just want him to sleep in his co-sleeper or pack and play, but that doesn't seem to be happening either. I just need to keep repeating "X's sleep habits don't make you a good or bad parent. It is just where he is developmentally, and you giving him what he needs which is you" over and over again. At least he is snuggly.

PS--I wrote this over the course of a week. It may seem choppy. Oh and X, he is sleeping on me right now because he wouldn't nap otherwise. At least dinner is already cooking.

PSS--read my disclaimer, its okay if you do this differently, I am not judging anyone, I am just justifying my decisions to myself. Yeah, I really should seek psychiatric help.