Monday, May 14, 2012

Wedding Woes

Wow, I am really on a ball today, and X is sleeping, so awesome.

Anyway, we are less than three weeks out from our wedding. My second wedding. The one I didn't really want (I changed my mind obviously). I spend a lot of time planning this wedding. A LOT OF TIME. And money, oh god the money. Remind me why we didn't go to Greece again. Santorini with a white dress...oh the pictures. Anyway, we didn't. Mike and I are not part of a church, and our close (probably intoxicated friend) Brandon will be officiating the wedding, in a bar. Needless to say, marriage counseling is not on the agenda. I didn't have marriage counseling the first time I did this either. Well, not until we had to in order to get divorced. Mike and I have a strong foundation. We have made it through a pregnancy and first year of parenthood rather unscathed and I think our relationship is pretty rock solid. I would be lying if I said this is how I felt on round one. Not to mention, having a baby is supposed to cause more stress in a relationship than anything else, and if that is the case, we are golden. But I am still nervous. This is still round two. And I am still sort of anti-marriage in general. I hide my trepidation with cynicism and snide remarks, but I am downright terrified of ruining another marriage. Although, I refuse to take the full blame for ruining my last marriage. Anyway, on my Pinterest page I keep finding pins of marriage advice. It must be the people I follow. Unfortunately, a lot of it is very religious, or at least has a base in religion. I am trying to not automatically discount it just because of this trait. I mean, my grandparents are very religious, and happily married, and my other grandmother was a very devote Catholic and stayed married to my heathen grandfather for, gosh, 65 years maybe. So, maybe I can take some of this advice and just avoid the praying together nonsense. However, one of the lists I am going to downright steal because I HATE the organization that it comes from. HATE. It is a hate group as far as I am concerned, and while I may like some of this list, I refuse to give them even one redirect. So, here is a list of 100 ways to make your marriage rock, adapted to make it non-Christian and gender neutral, with a few of my own added here and there. Wow, there were 20(!) that were either religiously based or so structured in gender roles I couldn't change them?! I like this list, I think it is mostly common sense, but stuff that is easy to forget, overlook or put off. And some was less obvious. We want out of debt because it is a good financial decisions, for instance, but I do think it will make our marriage stronger because it will reduce stress.
  1. Write him/her letters
  2. Go on regular date nights
  3. Revitalize the romance with intimate dates
  4. Hide notes in secret places
  5. Go to bed at the same time
  6. Listen to music together-share earbuds
  7. Send him/her on a scavenger hunt in the house
  8. Buy him gifts he will love
  9. Hide a treat in his/her glovebox or desk at work
  10. Wear shirts that tell the world you love your spouse
  11. Praise your spouse to other people
  12. Let them overhear you
  13. Be best friends
  14. Don’t nag
  15. Remember to do things you said you would
  16. Pick up after yourself, and each other
  17. Renew your vows privately with whispers and memories
  18. Renew them publicly with cake and bubbly
  19. Fight naked
  20. Tell him/her you like him/her
  21. Receive compliments
  22. Pick your battles
  23. Show her you love her/him and tell him you respect him/her
  24. Go away together at least once a year
  25. Frame your wedding vows
  26. Hang pictures of the two of you around your house
  27. Kiss in front of your kids
  28. Make/buy his/her favorite dessert/meal
  29. Have pictures of just the two of you made
  30. Make sex a priority
  31. Spend time apart occasionally
  32. Learn to enjoy something s/he loves
  33. Surprise each other
  34. Text each other from across the room
  35. Be accountable to each other
  36. Set reminders on your phone to remember him/her throughout the week
  37. Be affectionate
  38. Leave work and come home early
  39. Wash, vacuum the other person's car
  40. Engage every day in meaningful conversation
  41. Compliment each other
  42. Touch your spouse several times throughout the day
  43. Take one day a month to make your spouse your total focus
  44. Let each other sleep in
  45. Be spontaneous!
  46. Argue fair: avoid these words “you always” and “you never”
  47. Kiss every day
  48. Find tangible ways to serve your mate without complaining
  49. Forgive quickly
  50. Be honest, but not hurtful
  51. Get on the same page: plan your budget together
  52. Look your best as often as you can
  53. Get out of debt (and stay out)
  54. Laugh together
  55. Have a date night in
  56. When your together-BE TOGETHER (take a break from phones, technology, etc)
  57. Talk about your favorite memories together
  58. Tell him/her s/he’s sexy just because
  59. Make him/her breakfast in bed
  60. Get a couple’s massage or host your own privately
  61. Read a book out loud together
  62. Dance together-soft music (alone) or rocking music with the kids
  63. Bring her/him a favorite drink during the middle of the day
  64. Exercise together-hikes, bike riding, etc
  65. Choose not to be annoyed by an irritating behavior/disappointment
  66. Tell him a secret he doesn’t know about you
  67. Thank your spouse just because, often
  68. Sit on the same side of a booth at a restaurant
  69. Lay in bed together and stare into each other eyes, without talking
  70. Learn something new together-take an art class, cooking lessons, etc
  71. Leave a sweet comment on the Facebook wall
  72. Teach your kids about marriage
  73. Stop what you’re doing, look them in the eye and listen to their answer
  74. Create art together
  75. Support each other’s goals
  76. Know when to talk and when to hush
  77. Consider counseling (even if there’s not conflict)
  78. Share furniture-sit in his lap
  79. Fight for your marriage
  80. Remember your spouse rocks-even when they don’t

Additionally, I found this list of The Things that Have Made All of the Difference (in their marriage) from Today's Letters on their 5 year anniversary. They openly say that the first two years of the marriage were hard, particularly the first few months, becuase they didn't communicate well and didn't feel appreciated. Again, I am not into the praying stuff, but I think the rest is pretty good. I adapted and changed this list, please look at their original blog, it is pretty fantastic, just not "me" so I don't want to quote it all, and some don't need explanation, some do.

Weekly Questions:
"Every Sunday Husband and I walk. We talk about lots of things, mostly our faith, our family, and things we are grateful for. But we always ask each other the same five questions:

1. How did you feel loved this past week?
2. What does your upcoming week look like?
3. How would you feel most loved & encouraged in the days ahead?
4. How would you best feel pursued in sex / intimacy this week?
5. How can I pray for you this week? " (Obviously, I would like to skip this one since I don't pray, don't plan on starting and get creeped out when people pray for me)

We (try and) Conflict Well: Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but we believe it exists to make us better, not bitter. We try and keep short accounts with one other by sharing our disappointments and hurt feelings. This isn't always easy but it's necessary in maintaining marital oneness. From experience we know there's nothing more damaging to our relationship than harbored bitterness.

We Play Together

We Celebrate Each Other: Husband and I love to make a big deal out of anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and even smaller personal accomplishments. We are each other's biggest fans, and finding a thoughtful gift or preparing a special meal can make the biggest difference in helping us feel known, loved, and celebrated.

We Don't Do Marriage Alone: Our trusted friends have been incredibly helpful in showing us how to work through some of the bigger issues in our marriage. It wasn't always easy to share these struggles because of our pride and embarrassment, but soon we realized that most couples were struggling with the same things we were. We've learned that isolating only hinders us from truly dealing with our hurts, habits, and hang-ups.

 We Study One Another: Someone once told us that no matter how long you've dated your spouse, the day you get married you're essentially committing your life to a total stranger. This was great advice considering how quickly people change. To say I know Tim fully after 5 yrs of marriage would be a lie. There's so much about him that I don't know about simply because I do not ask. That is why we like to interview each other regularly. It's amazing the things you can learn about your spouse when you take the time to ask both fun and creative questions.

Dude Time / Girl Time: Sometimes one of the best things we can do for our marriage is to spend time apart. It blesses me when Tim is able to take a trip with his guys because I know they meet certain needs that I can't. Similarly, Tim understands that spending a weekend with my girls is critical to my overall mental health and well being. Don't get me wrong, you guys know how madly in love I am with Mr. Loerke, but sometimes all a girl needs is an uninterrupted weekend with her besties. Guys are no different.

What to Reject When You're Expecting

At least I did something right. Consumer Reports just published a list of things to avoid and do while pregnant, and thankfully I did, or didn't do, most of them. I didn't have a midwife, I had an OBGYN, but I had Amy, who is a midwife, and she advocated for me in the face of nurses and doctors more than I could have ever hoped for, so I think it counts. I am just stunned and borderline offended by some people's use of medical intervention. Now, if there is a medical need, then by all means. When X's vitals dropped, I got an infection, my oxygen dropped and the doctor told me to consider a c-section, I did. I didn't question it. There was a medical reason. I have no regrets. I regret that it was necessary, but it was necessary, and today I have a beautiful almost one year old who is healthy. He was born with high APGAR scores and spent no time in the NICU. That is the best I could give him. I've been working on being less judgey about birth and pregnancy, more of a "to each the own" attitude, but honestly, these decisions affect how medicine is practiced in our country. If women were more informed and made choices based on their health and the health of their babies, instead of on convenience, I feel like there would be more information out there for womens health. So much of the women's health has been dominated by men--male doctors, researchers, practitioners; and not that it makes the wrong automatically, but what is best for mother and child should be the priority. Hospitals need to adopt more guidelines and tell people no when they want to make medical decisions without medical reasons, or to at least ensure an understanding of those decisions. There is an idea in our country that you can use medical advances to make life convenient, and you can, but is that what medicine should be used for when there isn't even universal healthcare? When my students can't even see a doctor? Because someone can pay for it, it is okay? Because really, we are all paying for it. Your insurance usage raises my rates, and I assure you, an induced delivery or elected c section costs a hell of a lot more. We may not have universal healthcare, but don't be fooled that it is not costing all of us for people to elect procedures. Finally, having a baby isn't convenient. It is life changing. That baby will be, and should be, the center of your life (center, not everything) and starting that with his/her birth is probably a good idea. No, it is a good idea. I wish this list included breastfeeding. Women who breastfeed decrease chances of childhood obesity, illness, chronic conditions, and for the woman, breast cancer. It is healthy and natural and necessary. I get that is doesn't work for some people, working at 6 weeks postpartum makes it almost impossible to breastfeed, and I get that, and since maternity leave is ridiculous in the States, I can't condemn anyone for not choosing to breastfeed, but I will condemn people for not trying. Again, it is information. Okay, I am not sure I actually agree with that, but women need more information. My doctor, who was WONDERFUL, never talked to me about the risks of internal exams, rupturing membranes, early admittance and epidurals. I had to investigate those things for myself. Not all women have the time or desire to do such things, this list makes it easy to access that information, and all pregnant women need this information.

http://consumerreports.org/cro/2012/05/what-to-reject-when-you-re-expecting/index.htm

Let's Get Political

Two posts, one week. Holy cow. I know, I know, I go through blogging spurts. However, today I actually did something with X, a first I suppose, that I care about. We went to his first political rally. Granted, we were late and missed the actual rally, but we still lended our support, petted a few dogs and played in Civic Center Park. I hope, more than almost anything else, that when X is old enough to really understand, gay marriage, or the lack thereof, will seem foreign to him--something in history books that doesn't make sense. Something that is so obscure that he won't really understand. Because really, interracial marriage is like that to me. The idea that anyone would tell two adults that they cannot be married because of the color of their skin is just weird to me. Obviously wrong, but almost comically so. Not that I don't get racism, even modern racism, or blatant racism, but government sanctioned discrimination and the refusal to provide rights and protect a minority group. I hope when I tell X he protested that, he is confused, because really, the United State's government didn't allow people to marry? Yes, honey, it was wrong and stupid, that is the only reason I have.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Juxtapose

Updates, rants, blogging. I thought, mistakenly as with most things when I got pregnant, that I would have ample time to document my little man. The truth is, babies sleep a lot--in cars, in arms, on mommy. The typing on a keyboard is just one of those noises that X can hear throughout the house. I swear. But also, it got boring. I love X and all the stuff he does, and I know I will want to know when he hit milestones when he is twenty, but I just get bored of blogging. My kid is a genius, just know that and move on. It also gets a little creepy for me when people I know read my blog, I don't like it. I don't want to offend anyone, or come off as passive aggressive, so then I don't post things I actually care about, which again, makes it boring. I mean really, how often can I talk about cloth diapers and the just how darn cute he is? So, I run out of things to say because I don't want to offend anyone. Then I realize, blogs are just soapboxes, and no one has to read them, so maybe I shouldn't care. I am not there yet, but I am really working on caring less about what other people think.

Life is crazy now--1st birthday party, wedding, returning to work. That is a LOT. And today is my first mother's day, which is more depressing than I originally thought it would be. I am sort of astonished with just how unappreciated I feel today. I had no idea a stupid holiday could make me feel so sad, especially when X is so perfect. I should be so happy that on my first mother's day I have a beautiful baby boy who I love more than anything in this world. That he is happy and healthy and smart. But really, all I want, is to not do the dishes, or change a diaper, or go to bed at 8:00 so that he will just stay asleep. Okay, the going to bed at 8 isn't that bad. I just had no idea, that what I would want on my first mother's day more than anything, is a break from being a mom. That sounds so horrible. But just to sleep, to eat, to shower without having to ask someone. I feel like X is an extension of me that I always have to think about. When will he nap? What will he wear? What will he eat? Is this best for him? And sometimes, I just want to be able to run an errand or get a pedicure. I have to figure out where he will be and with who and how he will nap on his birthday, and my wedding day, and how to take a vacation with him. It is just, exhausting. Motherhood is exhausting.

And then, to complicate it, I have started counting down the days until I go back to work. I am excited and happy to do something with my days again, or something with more structure--dont' get me wrong, caring for a baby 24/7 is a JOB, I am looking forward to more down time, but I am so, so sad to leave him, that I never want to now. I know I need to work, but I just don't want to miss out on anything, and as much as it is frustrating that he only ever wants me, it is nice that I can always calm him. I have to remember, my mom worked every day of my life (that I remember at least) and I have no issues with that at all. My mom and I are closer than most and I respect and honor her and her decision to work. I don't think X will be damaged by me working, but I think I may be. So, I want to sleep and get a pedicure, but I don't want to leave him. Really, I just want the house to be clean without me doing it, or feeling guilty for not doing it.

Then there are issues I really care about. Like what the hell North Carolina? Defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman isn't asshole enough for you, you have to amend your constitution?! So much for that vacation, NC isn't getting my money. And CO is trying to pass a civil unions bill, about bloody time (X and I will be protesting that tomorrow). I hope that when X is old enough to really get it, it seems odd to him that this was ever even an issue. And Spain, and Greece, and public education. Oy. So many things I care about.

So, I guess I continue to do what I can--do the dishes, wash the clothes, change another diaper. Love my son and spend as much time as I can with him while still maintaining my sense of self. Try to pull off a first birthday party and plan a wedding. Accept that other people don't care about the same things. Change the opinions of people who I think are actually wrong. Breastfeed, regardless of the ridiculous Times article and my idiot brother. And not cry more than necessary.