Nursery Started

Today we started the nursery. Mike got it cleaned out a few weeks ago, although I have noticed that my room next door has become a storage closet for much of that stuff and random other stuff, like the baby's new closet. But today we painted all of the trim white, took out the closet doors, fixed the door so it would actually shut (poor Tristan lived here for 6 months with a door that didn't shut and a 20 week old fetus encouraged us to fix it) and got all of the stuff to paint and make it a baby closet. I need stuff to be organized, and it is much easier to just start that way. So we bought a closet organizer with 12 cubbies and track shelving to install two hanging racks. However, where the hell do you get baby sized hangers? We looked at Target and they have kids ones but they were too big for baby clothes, and even the ones at Babies R Us online say kids hangers. Anyway, I digress. We now have everything to make a Martha Stewart approved closet other than colored bins to put in the cubbies because I want them to be gender specific. We put two coats of paint up, in bright yellow, and will do the last coat tomorrow and install the closet. Then we are done for a few weeks because we are both out of baby money. The goal is spend a little at a time instead of going into debt by getting it all at once. Plus Mike keeps reminding me that we need to save for the hospital copay, although I think I should get a discount since all I want is someone to catch. I don't want an IV, or monitoring, or an epidural, so I think Kaiser should thank me and give me a discount. They obviously disagree.

On another note, I totally popped today. I am not sure why. I woke up weighing an entire pound more than I did yesterday and my belly protrudes quite a bit more than it did before. I still look the most pregnant when I wear maternity pants and regular shirts, as demonstrated below.

Half Way

At nineteen weeks a lot of books consider me half way, although at twenty weeks I think I will be more comfortable calling it half way. I can't believe I have been pregnant for so long. I am definitely starting to show more constantly, rather than the baby playing hide and go seek every day. I can also feel my belly more, like I bump into things and I feel a hard lump when I lay down or against something. Mike says he can feel it too when I sleep against him, just like a constant pressure. The baby definitely kicks now--or punches, headbutts, something--it is more like a thumping than a fluttering or a vibration. I feel the fluttering more still, but there have been a few thumps in there. I am excited to see it moving all over the place in the ultrasound and to finally be able to call it something other than it! 10 days and counting until our anatomy scan.

It is also time to start making real decisions. We are completely registered on Baby's R Us and Amazon.com, although I need to add some gender specific items and update the amazon registry to include our stroller and car seat choices since those changed. We started the nursery, or we cleaned the room and picked out paint. Jill is going to bring me the crib on Wednesday. We are going to do the closet ourselves, but it is going to be really hard for me to wait on buying stuff. At the very end of pregnancy both registries will give us a one time coupon to get everything still left on the registry at 10% off, but that doesn't leave a whole lot of time to actually finish the nursery, so I think I will end up buying some stuff early. Even though it is a good deal, there are certain things we do really need for the baby and there will be plenty of other stuff for people to buy, like clothes and stuff. We will see how I do on self-control. I also need to put in for my leave of absence at work. I think we have book decided that it is best for me to take a year off, but it makes me really nervous. I am not good at depending on someone else and I am very worried about how I will handle the stress of dependency plus the stress of loosing so much money all at once. Neither of us are very good at budgeting, and we sort of need to figure that out now. I have been trying to get out of debt before the baby comes, and I have made some good progress, but I still have outstanding debt and although we have plenty of money it doesn't seem like we are rolling in it.

The hardest thing is that I need to come to terms with the fact that I have to actually have the baby. You always know you have to, but it seems so distant. We need to take some labor classes and I need to read a lot of books on how to have a natural labor so that I am prepared. Right now The Bradley Method of childbirth is all the rage with natural birth advocates, but I don't like it, it creeps me out. I am not sure why. So I need to find books on other methods and prepare myself. Mike also needs to prepare to be able to help me, or something. I am not sure. I think I want my mom there with me to help. She really wants me to get a doula, and although I can see the benefits, I can also see the expense. I am just not sure having yet another person in there will help. I mean, they are supposed to advocate for you and your choices, but I want to be able to make those choices as the happen, although I am not sure that is realistic. I need to talk to Mike and see how comfortable he is in making choices or being assertive while I am in labor. If he isn't then maybe I will get a doula. I just don't know. Regardless, really big deal that I need to deal with soon :)

As far as the baby goes, we have a mango:
Vernix caseosa, a greasy white substance made of lanugo, oil, and dead skin cells (yum) now coats baby's skin, shielding it from the amniotic fluid. (Picture yourself after a nine-month bath, and the need for protection makes sense.) You might get to see the vernix at birth, especially if baby is premature.

Your baby is between five and six inches long and weighs about seven ounces—about the size of an apple. If the baby is a girl, early ovaries contain follicles with forming eggs. Soon, half of the genetic material for your potential future grandchildren will be formed. Pictures of babies at this age show them touching the membrane of the amniotic sac, touching their own faces, reaching for the umbilical cord, pedaling their legs, and sucking their thumbs. If you're carrying twins, they may already be swatting at each other. Your baby may already have a preference for the left or right hand. In the brain, areas of the nerve cells that serve the senses of touch, taste, smell, sight, and hearing are becoming specialized and are forming more complex connections. Loud sounds as well as any feelings you may have of stress or alarm may be communicated to the baby. The baby responds to these stresses by becoming more active. Practicing yoga and meditation can be good for your sense of calm and balance.

And for me:
Those nasty leg cramps are probably making it tough to get comfortable. One way to ease the pain: Extend your leg and flex your ankle and toes toward your knees. Or enlist your partner for a calf (and back!) massage. Good news: Your now-bulging belly should get you a little more compassion from everyone around you.

Week 18

As the baby develops more, it gets infinity cooler. I mean, from the beginning it is pretty amazing, but by the half way point the baby does stuff that developed people do, and somehow that is super cool to me. The baby can hear and sense light now, which totally makes me want to start a laser light show with some flashlights against my belly, but I will refrain since I am not sure the baby actually likes laser light shows. I am still super anxious to find out the gender, although I am sure it is a boy now more than ever. I still want to know, and I want to see it. We only get two ultrasounds, and the first one was at a little less than 8 weeks, so it has been a long time. I can feel the baby move sometimes, but I am also anxious for it to become more consistent and pronounced. We are almost half way now, I can't wait. However, on some days I don't even look pregnant. Hell, sometimes I don't even look fat. I don't understand where the baby goes. Some days I look pregnant, so the baby is there, and then other days, like yesterday, I could be just a little chubby. I hope everything is okay in there.

Your baby is about 5 to 5 1/2 inches long from top to tail and weighs a little more than five ounces, about the size of a lobster tail. While in earlier weeks, your baby may have been able to sense sound with her primitive ear structures, this week, the bones of the ear become fully formed along with the part of her brain that processes signals from his ears. There's still plenty of room in your uterus, so your fetus can be quite active with her new muscles. She may change positions frequently, cross her legs, recline, suck her thumb, and turn somersaults. Her retinas have become light sensitive, and your baby may be able to detect a glow if you shine bright lights at your belly (even though her eyelids are sealed).

Baby's become amazingly mobile (compared to you, at least), passing the hours yawning, hiccupping, rolling, twisting, kicking, punching, sucking, and swallowing. And baby is finally big enough that you'll soon be able to feel her movements.

I guess it is good that Mike got me a prenatal massage because according to all of the stuff I read, I will really need it soon :)

As your growing uterus starts shifting your center of gravity (belly forward, bottom out), hormones are causing your ligaments to relax and joints to loosen. The result? Back pain and soreness. On the bright side, if you want to know baby's gender, this might be your first week for a sneak peek.

During this week, and the next few weeks, you may feel your baby's first movements—a fluttery sensation in your pelvis. Called quickening, many cultures believe that this is when life begins. You may have aches and pains in your legs, tailbone, and other muscles. Now is a good time to talk to your partner about how your house will be managed once the baby comes. For the first few weeks, until you establish a new routine with your new baby, you'll be too occupied to cook meals, take care of pets, open the mail, pick up the phone, or do anything but breastfeed, soothe the baby, and sleep. We hope your partner is up to the challenge. If not, prepare to move your mother or another relative in for a time. Also consider hiring a postpartum doula or baby nurse to help out.

Almost 18 weeks

I took these pictures yesterday because I looked pregnant again. Some days I just don't, some days I do. I cannot figure it out. How can the baby hide sometimes? There just isn't that much room in there. I find that maternity pants but regular shirts show it the most, so here I am in my normal sweater and my maternity jeans, which are super comfy, but won't stay up!

So, Mike is pretty awesome and has great timing. I was having an epically bad day yesterday. Or last week, or this month, or whatever. Just bad all around. I feel fat and unattractive, I don’t really look pregnant, my body already hurts and as you can tell I am pretty damn whiny. I am a lot of fun, can you tell?

So, yesterday Mike did two great thing. He got me a prenatal massage gift certificate and he completely cleaned out the nursery. I wish I had a before picture because the nursery has been the place were we put EVERYTHING that we don’t know what to do with. Books, photos, papers, dining room table and chairs, futon, all of this army shit. Just everything. And yesterday he sorted it, took it all to good will, put the stuff that matters in the other room and cleaned the whole thing. All that is in there now is an end table that we will keep in there for the baby, a few pillows for the baby and a TV—again, we are keeping it for the baby. That is a lot to get done in a day. But he also took all of the Christmas decorations to the basement, put up all of the miscellaneous shit and made room for the Christmas tree by rearranging the furniture in the living room. So, my super shitty day/week/month ended pretty damn great. I am still fat or whatever, but at least I can start working on the nursery.

Being pregnant isn’t easy

I love the idea of the baby, and I don’t necessarily hate being pregnant, but it isn’t easy. I am sure I will hate it later, when I am so big putting on shoes is difficult and when the baby is big enough that kicks don’t feel cool, plus the overly exciting idea of lightning crotch. All of that just sounds like so much fun. But even now, even in the Honeymoon second trimester I still don’t think it is so much fun. I guess it is better than the other two trimesters, it is definitely WAY better than the first one, but I always thought I would like being pregnant. I thought the second trimester would be better than not being pregnant. It isn’t, in case anyone was wondering, it is just better than the first trimester.

I am pretty fucking sick of being fat. I have never really been fat before, at least not in the middle. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a size 0 and have never wanted to be, but I have always been very happy how I look. Sure, my thighs tend to be huge and tanning is impossible, but that was always okay. My waist has always been thin. Like, really thin. And I never had to do ANYTHING to maintain it, thank you mom for the genetics. So while there are lots of things I would change if I could, there was nothing I would actually work for; hence my horrible gym attendance. Now, my pants don’t fit, I don’t look cute at all and my quarterback shoulders no longer lead into a tiny waist, so I really do look like a short high school linebacker instead of some crazy curvy German Helga. I was okay with fat thighs and wide shoulders, because I still looked like a girl. I was still attractive. Now I have a baby gut that looks pretty much like a beer gut. There really is little difference in appearance. I am not good at not being attractive. This baby is going to be an only child (plus fat people have a lot less sex I have decided, at least in my case, so making another baby is pretty moot).

Oh yeah, and you can't drink, so you are always DD. Even to the ballet.

An onion seems pretty big

Apparently the baby is now the size of an onion. That seems pretty big to me. If I pull up my shirt you can totally tell I am pregnant, but when I have a shirt on it is much less obvious. With the onion and all of the fluid I definitely notice a difference. My stomach feels heavy and like something is always pulling on my muscles. I read somewhere that baby also enjoys tugging on the umbilical cord. I am not sure it has nerves, but it seems like it should hurt and it sort of freaks me out. I hope I can make it through this week without my kids noticing. We will see, I seem to gain a pound every day.

Baby's skeleton is hardening, changing from rubbery cartilage to bone, and fat is finally accumulating around it. His umbilical cord is getting thicker and stronger, and those little fingers and toes now feature one-of-a-kind prints.

On a totally different note, it is really unfair that girls are the only ones that get pregnant. Guys get such a better deal in this entire thing. I think they should have to change diapers for an entire year since we have to do everything else. This week's mama update is just plain gross.

Though increased blood flow is good for baby, it might be making you a little...damp. Body secretions (think sweat, mucus, nosebleeds, and vaginal discharge) are in full force. This week might also mark the first time you feel baby move inside you, but don't worry if it's another two months before you notice anything.

Target, you are cut

Target and I have always had a love-hate relationship. Mostly that I love to shop there and that I hate how much money I spend. Obviously, Target is totally okay with this formula. For years, if I walked into a Target I spent at least $100. Then I got pregnant. It actually started when we decided to try to get pregnant, although I have no idea why. However, they really have awful maternity clothes. Some people love them, and I do on the rack, but when I put them on I hate them. HATE them. So, Target and I are separated.

In moves new love, Motherhood Maternity. This store has a rather rocky reputation, but their more expensive counterpart, Pea in the Pod, is pretty awesome. Not to say that Banana Republic and Old Navy are somehow the same thing, but there is a link. At least on fit or something. Anyway, Motherhood is the Old Navy or Pea in the Pod. It is a little more pricey, but whatever, it is a good analogy. So today I went to Motherhood Maternity. I HAD to get some clothes, I legitimately needed them. Maybe not as much as I actually bought, but I needed some. I think it is the Target thing, I can't walk in and not over buy. So, on my first official maternity shopping trip, this is what I bought:

2 pairs of jeans
1 pair of cord
3 pairs of dress pants
2 ruched tee shirts
1 sweater
1 dress shirt--for Christmas and work

I totally feel like I need to return at least some of it. I feel like that is a lot of clothes for four months. Plus, from the second hand store I have two pairs of dress pants, although I don't think they will fit too much longer. I don't know, I just feel like it is a waste.

Catch Up

I haven't updated the blog in almost three weeks. I just haven't really felt like it. Usually I blog in the morning, but I have been having a hard time getting to work on time (plus a crazy busy schedule at work) so that isn't really working. At night I just don't really feel like it. Anyway, there is actually a lot going on in baby land.

At the moment the most important is my lack of appropriate clothing. My mom and I went to the second hand store to get some clothes, most of which are awesome. However, I bought a pair of jeans that really don't fit. They are the right size, but they are too low rise or something. Where the jean material ends and the crazy elastic part is too low, so I feel like they are falling off all of the time. Those will be going back. However, this leaves me without any maternity. I don't have a lot of jeans anyway (something I will probably need to remedy after the baby comes too, which will suck because I will be out of money, I should have stocked up all year) and only one of them fits. My wonderful Lucky jeans I can't even zip. So, I have one pair of Gap jeans and their button-ability is quickly decreasing. I also have a few pairs of work pants that I can get by with if I use a bella band, but that won't last long either. I have two pairs of maternity pants, so I have to get at least three more pairs of pants for work and two pairs of jeans, just to make it through one week. I know everyone says I am lucky to be pregnant during the winter, and in general I agree, but I wish I could just throw on a dress and call it good. Damn belly. So, I have been searching Craigslist and will try to make it to some stores tomorrow. I just don't want to spend money on myself two weeks before Christmas! I don't have that kind of money. Crap.

On another note I felt the baby move! The first time I wasn't sure, but I am sure now. I don't feel it very often, but if I lay down and am very still and poke at it a lot I will feel it. Sometimes. We went to the doctor and when I told her she seemed skeptical, but I told her where I felt it and it was exactly where the baby was on the doppler. I can't wait until I can actually feel it more more consistently and when Mike can feel it through my stomach. It will be reassuring when I can feel it too.

I also had my first baby dream. Everyone always talks about how they have these vivid dreams when they are pregnant. I always have had super vivid dreams, so I was expecting them. But nothing, or at least not any more vivid than normal. In fact, I never even dream about being pregnant. I have had quite a few vivid dreams about losing the baby. That sucks. If I have one more dream about going pee and it being full of blood I am going to die. I think it is partially because I need to pee a lot and I dream about peeing and it hurts because I don't wake up all of the time, and my subconscious interprets the pain and fear of miscarriage, even though conscience me recognizes it as "holy crap I am going pee my pants for real this time." Anyway, the other night I had a real baby dream. I dreamt that I was in labor and I passed on the epidural and I pushed a few times and voila there was a baby. It was easy and not painful and at the end I had a beautiful baby boy. I am now convinced that I am having a boy, seeing as this is the only time I have ever dreamt about a baby. Plus, I just think it is a boy. No idea why, I just do.

On the subject of gender, we scheduled our perintologist on January 7th. We could actually have it sooner, but they are booked. I am not sure how they are booked, but they are, so we have to wait until then. It also costs quite a bit more, but since it will be my only ultrasound I want to make sure everything is okay with the baby, and a preintologist makes me feel better about that. If the baby hides its gender, I am going to freak out though, since we don't get another chance.

Pop?

So, I think this is part wishful thinking, part bloat, and part baby. Mainly because I don't look like this today, so how the hell did I look like this a few days ago. Anyway, I am knowingly posting pics of myself in my underwear online. Wow, things have changed.

Exactly 14 Weeks
As compared to 12 weeks

Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving everyone (or no one, I have no idea who reads this)! I have my turkey in the oven and am regretting stuffing it with garlic and onions because it smells so damn good. There is so much to be thankful for this year it is almost ridiculous. The baby puts everything in perspective and makes me thankful for such mundane things like health insurance and clean water. I have no idea how people in underdeveloped countries deal with pregnancy when there is cholera and dysentery. I am just so thankful for my family and Mike, the baby, a job, a warm place to live and the luxury and privilege that comes along with being American. Not in a patriotic way, but in a "holy shit, life really could suck if I was born a thousand miles away" sort of way.

The baby and I are doing well. My dad has taken up the nickname fatso since I don't actually look pregnant, just chubby. I have always had a peculiarly flat stomach--peculiar since I do NOTHING to maintain it--but now it is gone and the baby is a muffin top. I have either a beer gut or some extra donuts floating around my middle. Ick. Oh well, eventually I will be nice and round and dislike that too :) The pregnancy is much better. I feel better, I am much less exhausted and I seem to have at least a balanced share of control with the baby over my body. For a while the baby was definitely winning.

The hardest thing right now is waiting for the gender. I really want to know. I never thought I would want to know that much, but I do. We don't find out until January and I am cursing myself daily for forgoing on the genetics testing since we may have found out the gender at the NT screen. Oh well, I am still happy not knowing anything about the genetic risks. I really hope the baby is cooperative at the anatomy scan in January. If we can't see anything because it is prude, belly and I are going to have a discussion.

As far as baby progression, this is what we get week 14:

Baby is a lemon, measuring 3.4 inches. Your adorable little fetus is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, and (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys and spleen continue to develop. Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over the body for warmth.

By weeks 14-17, your baby's bone marrow is producing blood cells; his liver is secreting bile; his pancreas is producing insulin; and he will be covered in a layer of downy hair called lanugo. Around week 16, you may get your first ultrasound, but don't count on learning your baby's sex quite yet. Between weeks 14 and 18, you can opt to have a Quad Screen or amniocentesis, tests that can detect a neural-tube defect, such as spina bifida, Down syndrome or other genetic disorders. Discuss these tests with your doctor to help you decide.

Peachy

The baby is now the size of a peach and has left the development stage and entered the growth stage. My belly is definitely getting bigger, but I think it is only noticeable if you are in the know. I am feeling better in general, but I am still exhausted. Hopefully that will fade too, if not at least we have a holiday soon. I can still wear normal pants, but they are definately snug and I will have to look into some maternity clothes soon. Mike and I have opted out of all genetic testing and I feel pretty good about it. A close friend of mine had a horrible scare and had to have an NT scan which came back good, and I just don't want to go through that. Her baby is totally fine, but for one week I am sure it was terrifying. However, I am a little jealous because they know the gender now, and I won't know ours until January.

Your baby is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long, the size of a medium goldfish. She weighs about one ounce. Your baby is shorter than a finger, but her face is already showing individual features and characteristics! Her ears are now developed enough that she may be able to hear when you sing, hum, or talk. And her vocal cords will form this week—soon she'll be able to sing back. Your baby spends her time in your womb flexing her new and developing muscles and joints. Bouts of prenatal hiccups are strengthening your baby's diaphragm, which is preparing her respiratory system for breathing. Less glamorous but highly necessary organ systems for making hormones, absorbing nutrients, and filtering waste are also in place this week. The pancreas, gall bladder, and thyroid have developed, the kidneys can make urine, and her bone marrow is making white blood cells to help fight infection after she's born.

Sharing the News

I don't know what it is, but I hate telling people I am pregnant. I detest it. I have no idea why. Actually, telling strangers isn't so bad, so it is just people I know. I love that I am pregnant, I am super excited for the baby and am getting to the stage that is supposed to be enjoyable. I have started to dream about the baby moving instead of having nightmares about miscarriages. So, it isn't that I don't like being pregnant, and it isn't that I don't like people knowing, that doesn't bother me at all, I just hate telling people. Maybe it is because we are an unconventional couple and that makes other people unsure about how they feel. No one has asked me if I plan on getting married now that I am pregnant, but Mike faces that a lot. Maybe I am just apprehensive of judgment. I am happy with my decision. I love Mike, I am happier than I have ever been in my life and I am very content with my decisions. Yet I just hate telling people. Maybe I should have told people we were trying, then it wouldn't be a surprise, but I didn't really want that pressure either. I don't know. Maybe it is just who I am. I get too much attention for it.

Week 12

Ahh, week 12, when everything is supposed to get better. Or at least start to get better. No more morning sickness, increased energy, better skin. I can't wait, because as of this morning I feel no different. I went to bed at 7:30 (come on, it was day-light savings time, that was 8:30 my time) and got up at 6:00. I guess I feel rested, we will see how 8:00 tonight feels. We are out of milk, so I had to look for breakfast alternatives and eggs are still out, as is the toast Mike bought me, so I am resorting to strawberry eggos and hot cocoa--definitely still pregnant. I have gained about 3 pounds in total, but about one pound was just yesterday, so I think that may go away. It probably had something to do with the chile cheese fries and BLT I had for lunch. Speaking of which, the weirdest craving I have had to date was a BLT. Not so weird? It is if you have never had one. How can you crave something you have never had? We had them the other night with turkey bacon, and they were pretty freaken sick. Yesterday I had the real thing. It didn't live up to my expectations either, and I kept almost gagging, but then I was okay again. I ate half. I didn't die. I guess the baby isn't going to be vegetarian.

As far as the pregnancy goes we are entering trimester II. I am not sure if this happens at the end of the week or now. I supppose it doesn't really matter. Although 1/3 if the pregnancy is still a week and half away, most people count this second trimester because of fetal development:

As you move into the second trimester, baby shifts into the growth and maturation stage. After weeks in the critical development stage, almost all of baby's systems are fully formed.

Your baby's crown-to-rump height is 2 1/2 inches, or about as tall as a squash ball. She may weigh as much as half an ounce. This begins the age when the fetus starts to look really cut in those womb pictures. If you had a womb camera, you'd be able to see your baby's proportions changing, with the growth of the head slowing down to let the rest of the body catch up. Arms, legs, and fingers are also growing out and tapering to look more like a newborn's, and your baby's posture becomes less curled and more upright.

Apparently my hips are also starting to widen. Oh god.

zzzz

I am so tired. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep for another 10 hours. When will the exhaustion end? I thought I was doing better a few weeks ago, but that was short lived. I went to bed at eight last night, got up at 12:30 to pee, got up at 1:45 to eat toast and then finally rolled out of bed around 6:45. Even with the night time breaks, that is plenty of sleep, but all I want to do is sleep more. If Ella didn't wake me up, I am not when or if I would even get out of bed. I swear, the baby is already kicking my ass.

Peanut, Lime or Golf Ball??

I am now eleven weeks pregnant. The first trimester is coming to a close and I am getting more used to being pregnant, or at least obsessing about it less. I even sometimes forget that I am pregnant for a few moments, which I never thought would happen. Life is becoming more bearable or I am learning to live differently. The house is pretty much never clean. I sleep a lot more, and much better. Work is a distant second priority and people around me actually know what is going on. Some of these are welcomed changes, some less so, but it is all becoming more normal. I am seriously considering a maid, and a doula. I am getting more used to saying that I am pregnant out loud and finally I don’t have to fake drink at the bar because I successfully reached my second World Beer Tour. Essentially, life is becoming normal with being pregnant instead of life being about being pregnant; if that makes sense.

I still read a lot of information about fetal development and get updates about me and the baby. However, this week it seems sort of confusing. One site says the baby is the size of a peanut, another a lime, another a golf ball. WTF? I guess a golf ball and a lime are about the same size. A peanut though?? Not at all. I was so looking forward to having a lime. I mean, a lime seems like a decent size for a fetus. It seems real. I was so excited. A peanut is such a disappoint! Oh well. Here is what it says:

Your fetus currently enjoys a 1:1 ratio between body and head, and has skin so transparent that blood vessels show right through it. But fingers and toes are no longer webbed, and hair follicles, tooth buds, and nail beds are forming -- setting up a significantly more attractive future.

Your baby is about 1 1/2 to 2 1/2 inches long and weighs about a third of an ounce, the size of a peanut. This is a big week for your baby's growth—she'll double in height. At the end of the week, her head and body will be roughly equal in length. This week also starts an active phase for her - she can turn somersaults, roll over, flex her fingers, hiccup, and stretch. You won't be able to feel her movement for another month and a half. She's floating in lots of amniotic fluid. Her limbs are developing from webbed paddles into arms and legs that have well-defined fingers and toes. Fingernails, toenails, and hair follicles are also beginning to form. Your baby's testes or ovaries have developed, though the sex probably won't be visible on a sonogram for at least another month. Intestines have developed at the place where the umbilical cord meets your baby's body. The intestines are now able to make constricting movements, though there won't be anything to digest until later.

30 Weeks to Go

It is actually a little bit early for this post, baby isn't 10 weeks until tomorrow. Actually, baby isn't 10 weeks until Wednesday or Thursday, but I have Monday stuck in my head. Ever since the first ultrasound tech told me the date of the baby in the ER, and it matched to my assumed ovulation date, I have it my head as Monday. So I actually count the baby as older than the doctor does, but the doctor won't change the due date unless it is actually a week off, and it is only three days, which doesn't matter to anyone but me. Whatever, I am 1/4 of the way there.

Your baby is now about an inch long and weighs five grams, or one-sixth of an ounce, roughly the size of a garden beetle. This end of the two-month mark is a landmark date for your baby. It's looking more human all the time. If you could look inside, you'd see a thumb tip-size translucent creature that's unmistakably human. Kidneys, lungs, genitals, and the gastrointestinal tract are all present, though far from fully formed. Your baby's bones begin to form in his limbs, a process called ossification. The floor plan for your baby's structure has been laid down, and the next thirty weeks will be about expanding and developing on this blueprint. If your baby is a boy, his testes are already producing testosterone. A Doppler handheld device can usually detect a fetal heartbeat by this point. Once the heartbeat is detectable, your chances of miscarrying in the first trimester are immediately lower: between five and ten percent.

Congratulations, your uterus has swollen to the size of a softball! Looking in the mirror, your shape has definitely changed: less waist and more chest. If you're over 35 or have a history of genetic disorders, over the next two weeks, your care provider may offer a test called chorionic villus sampling (CVS) which uses a sample of tissue to screen for hundreds of genetic disorders. This test is highly accurate, but carries a significant risk of miscarriage. Right now, your hormones may be producing emotional effects, that is, making you feel crazy, angry, sad, euphoric, and irritable, sometimes all in the same ten minutes. You may also develop little white bumps on your nipples, called "Montgomerey's tubercles" (named after the Irish obstetrician who "discovered" them.) These bumps secrete a white lubricant, which will help make breastfeeding more comfortable. Your weight gain may be picking up—though don't worry if you haven't gained any by now. Bottom line, if your provider isn't concerned about how much or how little you've gained, you shouldn't be either.

Abating?

Morning sickness--obviously named by a man who was never pregnant, is supposed to get steadily, or not so steadily worse, until week ten. That is when your hormone levels peak. Then it is supposed to get better and nearly vanish by week 13. I am in week nine and it seems SO much better. Like enough better that I would be worried, except I have no pain and that is a good thing. I am still more tired than I though humanly possible even though I sleep 10 hours a night, but I don't feel sick. I can drink water again. I don't have to eat immediately in the morning. I can eat most foods, although I still have some aversions and generally prefer things with less spices than normal. I can eat yogurt and thinking about things doesn't make me puke. Actually eating eggs may be a little rough, but I can think about them at least. Work is much easier. My pants are still tight and my boobs are still sore, but not feeling sick all of the time is sort of miraculous. I even managed to be helpful and do dishes tonight.

Week Nine--We have a fetus!

As you squeeze into your jeans and struggle to button your shirt, try enjoying the gain -- after all, when was the last time putting on the pounds was totally guilt-free? It's also probably time for some new lingerie. Your sore, bigger-by-the-minute boobs will feel so much better in a maternity bra.

Check and check. I can't wear my pants, I can't wear a bra that looks even remotely sexy and all I do is eat and sleep and whine. All of the time. I am even sick of me.

Baby's now the size of a green olive!
Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like...well...a baby!

1st Baby Doc

We went to the doctor yesterday to have our first check up and see the baby. The baby is good--a few days later (or newer) than we thought. The doctor said the baby is 7 weeks 6 days instead of 8 weeks. No big deal now, but come May 23rd I may feel different.

The appointment went well. It was sort of review of everything I can and can't do, but it made me feel a lot better. My chances of having a miscarriage are down to 7% according to her, but I have read that they are as low as 2%. Regardless, that is a hell of a lot better than before. They weighed me and checked everything out. I have a fragile cervix, but it poses no problem for the baby, it just means I will bleed a lot more when I give birth and throughout my pregnancy. Awesome. I asked if it was an infection, and she said no, but still, it is scary no matter what. On the bright side I loved her.

On the down side, she will not deliver my baby. In fact, it will be really random who delivers my baby, and that is just how Kaiser does it, so I can't even find a doctor in my insuranace network that will deliver my baby. It is just random. In some ways this makes it better because when I am in labor and panicking I won't freak out that my doctor isn't there, since that is assumed from the start. It is just sort of weird. I am nervous that whatever Mike and I decide to do for our birth plan won't matter at all. I am worried that I will have to have IVs and continuous fetal monitoring and such. Hopefully at 30 weeks when we go to the hospital to preregister they will help explain that, since really it is mostly nurses and the doctor just catches :)

The only thing really on my mind about it is the genetic testing. I won't have an amniocentesis, I already know that, but Kaiser offers a blood test that could detect many defects and at our 24 week ultrasound they can also look for soft signs of Down's Syndrome, Trisomy 18 and Fragile X syndrome. It won't affect me anyway, I would still carry the baby to term. However, the doctor said some people want to know so that they can mentally prepare. I honestly don't think it is possible to mentally prepare for a baby period. The only concern I have is cleft-lip/cleft-palette. 2 of Mike's nieces have it and we would have to talk to a geneticist to find out our risk. I am sure it is pretty low regardless, but it does occur in his family. The only reason I would care is because I would want to find out about feeding. Since a baby who cannot nurse is significantly different than a baby who can, it would be worth it to know that ahead of time. I think. Maybe. Part of me just wants to assume everything is fine and go on from there. We will see how I feel in a few months.

After we went to the doctor we had lunch where I ate more than I have since I got pregnant, which was nice. Then we played mini-golf and went bowling--it was the best day ever. Mike accidentally hit me in the head with a golf club and it hurt like hell. I have a lump. It made me cry, but I was sort of shocked. It DID hurt, and it made my eyes water, but I cried like a kid does. I think it startled me and made my eyes water and then I cried because of hormones. It was so weird. I remembered what it felt like to be a little kid and cry when you get hurt--it was a weird combo of surprise and pain and just like having my feelings hurt that I got hit with a golf club. Ridiculous, but interesting. Our next appointment is 12 weeks, and we get to hear the heartbeat!! I can't wait.

Wow, just wow

So, in the last 24 hours I have completely hit every 1st trimester milestone.

I completely broke down over nothing. Literally nothing. I was so frustrated and so tired that I started crying when Jill asked if Mike and were getting married. I don't even care if we get married. Then I started crying because Mike was going to play golf in the morning. What? Yup. Because I can't clean the bathroom. So he can't play golf. Yeah, I have great math skills--totally hormonally unbalanced. Then I went to bed and woke up feeling emotionally just fine, like it never happened. You should read my text messages from last night though. Idiotic.

So, Mike came home and cleaned like crazy because he is amazing and I had a breakdown. I woke up honestly confused as to why he wasn't playing golf and why the toaster oven and microwave were spotless and the coffee pot disassembled in the dishwasher. Until I read my text messages. God I am crazy. So I had a yogurt drink and started to help clean. About an hour into it I felt awful, so I sat down and drank some water, and then puked. A lot. Including my prenatal vitamins and omega 3 fish oil pill. Yeah, puking obviously made me puke more. Milestone 2 met--I guess everyone pukes their prenatals a few times. So then I ate 1 saltine. Just one. Why you ask? Because it tasted like ass. I didn't know saltines could go bad. They do. Both packets of them. Mike even tried one and spit it out. It was awful. Finally we went to Einstein's to get a bagel. It was lame. There was hardly any cream cheese. So I went to order more just to find out that one little to-go ramekin of cream cheese costs $1.50!! So I just bought a tub for $3.00. It was ridiculous. So I put more cream cheese on my bagel and took the rest home, which I pretended to eat on Ritz, but really just licked off the same one over and over so Mike wouldn't judge me. He went to play golf, so now I am just eating it off the knife. Which I think also counts as a crazy preggo thing.

Finally, I also bought a be band. It is amazing. I love it. I wish I would have known about these years ago, it would have made Thanksgiving so much better. Plus it makes eating cream cheese off a knife feasible for my waistline.

What is up with baby?

As your baby enters its second month of development, weighing no more than a chocolate chip or a berry. It's about five to thirteen millimeters long (less than half an inch), and weighs less than a gram (0.8g), or less than one-twentieth of an ounce. The human blueprints are already visible. Your child still has a tail but is also beginning to form a digestive tract, lungs, nostrils, hands and feet, and a bump of a mouth. The liver, tongue, and lenses of your baby's eyes are forming. There are beds for your baby's fingernails, and the buds of teeth are forming in the gums. If you could take a picture, your baby would look more like a baby and less like a reptile. The baby's nerve channels and muscles are connecting, and the body can wiggle when the cells communicate. In just two days, from days thirty-one to thirty-three, the brain becomes one-quarter larger. If you were to have an ultrasound, it would be able to detect the beating heart, which shows up looking like a tiny flashing light.

Week Seven

Today starts my seventh week--I think. Hopefully the doctor can measure the baby and give me a definite gestational age and a more reliable due date. One more week and we get to hear the heartbeat and see it flutter!!! I am much more confident in my pregnancy than I was two weeks ago, mostly because I feel like shit all the time. Somehow, that is a good, comforting thing. My sciatica is killing me, although I am not entirely convinced it is pregnancy related and I think could just be a coincidence. The morning sickness is here full force (or I hope full force, I don't want it to get worse). Nothing sounds appetizing, I hate ice cream all of the sudden, raw meat and eggs make me puke and cooked veggies do the same. Grocery shopping has also become the bane of my existence. The smells made me gag three times and I don't want to buy anything because I don't want to eat anything. I just went up and down rows (with my butt hurting) looking at food and feeling disgusted. Fun times. All I want is white food. So weird.

Baby's now the size of a blueberry!
Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about one hundred new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.

Why hello uterus

I am not completely sure if this is actually a pregnancy symptom, but it sucks and I am pregnant, so lets blame it on the baby. I have this intense pain in my butt. Yeah, like kind of in my hip, but more centered on my right butt cheek. It is acute and my best analogy is adding ice water to an exposed cavity. It doesn't happen when I stand on it necessarily, but any time weight changes, which is all the freaken time in case you weren't sure. Walking Ella almost made me cry, and speed walking with my kid today (we were very late for an interview) made me get light headed. I read online that you can have sciatic nerve pain because your uterus grows and presses against it. But come on! I am six weeks pregnant, how big can my uterus be? It hurts so bad, and when I sit down or lay down after it hurts, it sort of feels like a joint that needs cracked, except there is no joint and as soon as I move at all I get sharp, excruciating pain. And my uterus still has to grow, a lot. Maybe it will move or something. Or maybe it has nothing to do with my uterus. Regardless, I have morning sickness (at night it seems) and pain like never before. Awesome. I am tempted to call in sick tomorrow.

Ick

Let's play the game of "what did Donna eat today?"
I woke up and immediately ate a strawberry Eggo, like before I even walked Ella.
Than I had another one before work
Around 9:45 I had a Babybel cheese
Then at 10:30 I had an apple with peanut butter
Then at 12:00 I had a V8 and an Amy's Burrito and a guy I was eating with gave me more food
So about 2 I ate a burrito that dude gave me
Than I ate a bag a chips
Around 3 my kids and I shared an order of Orange Chicken, sweet and sour chicken, fried rice and wontons
Then I left work and got a hotdog and blizzard at Dairy Queen.
I am pretty sure that is WAY over the limit of 300 extra calories. However, I seem to get morning sickness around 6PM, so I won't be eating anything else. Let's hope.

Week Six

This week the baby is the size of a pea. I have no idea when this week though, since it doubles in size like every day :) I think it is super cool that we have the technology and the medical expertize to know that the baby is doing at six weeks, when it is the size of a pea.

"Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks, and chin. Those little hands and feet -- still webbed like paddles -- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate."

My next doctor's appointment is at eight weeks exactly, so even if it is miss dated I should be able to hear the heartbeat since it will definitely be in the seventh week if not in the eighth.

I felt kind of yucky yesterday, although I think it had more to do with only eating 1/3 of an amazing black forest cake and goldfish crackers all day than anything. This morning I feel a little bit nauseous, but I am not convinced it is morning sickness since I still feel hungry, I think I just ate like crap yesterday and am feeling the affects today. Plus, I am drinking coffee, so I can't have morning sickness I don't think. Although smells are bothering me WAY more than they used to and walking the dog has become a game of "don't puke" in the morning. On a side notes, Mike is leaving for the week. I won't see him until Saturday. It seriously makes me want to cry and have a breakdown, which I am blaming entirely on the hormones since I am not usually that crazy. This is what it says about my pregnancy in week six:

"You've probably stumbled on the truth by now: Thanks to your surging hormones, morning sickness can (and does) occur morning, noon, and night. As you feel yourself turning yet another shade of green, just try to remember it's for an amazing cause -- that rapidly growing baby inside your upset belly!"

Will it ever be easy?

I got more test results, still waiting on the Rh results. My hCG levels are raising, they are still in the super low end of normal, but they did double. I know from reading a lot of other people's pages that they actually triple in 48 hours a lot of times, and mine definitely aren't doing that. However, the doctor said they did double and that is good enough. I was reading about it and it could mean that I am less pregnant than I thought I was, like conception happened later, but I really don't think so and that is not what the ultrasound showed. I am not sure why they are low, hopefully it is just how I am. The normal range is sort of ridiculous, and as you go up in months, so does the spread. Hopefully next week I break the 10,000 mark. Hopefully I am Rh positive and I won't have to get RhGAM shots since I am sort of over having needles poked into my arms.

I am also still having some mild bleeding. Nothing like last Friday, but "normal" is none, so it is still worrisome. The doctor said I may just bleed and they may never know why, which isn't comforting at all. But as long as I am not having cramping and bleeding (like last Friday) a miscarriage isn't imminent, could still happen, but not right then, so I will go with that. It sucks because until we hear a heartbeat there is no way to be sure. Lots of babies grow at this stage and then the heart doesn't develop. Come on little heartbeat. I just with I had high hCG levels OR no bleeding, having both makes it more scary. On the bright side, low hCG means no morning sickness, and the cyst on my ovary doesn't hurt as much. Although, I would almost be happy to have morning sickness because it would mean everything is getting better. Morning sickness can be a good indicator of pregnancy.

Bartenders

Every Sunday night Mike and I go to Old Chicago for dinner and beer. We rarely miss going and it has always been a good way to end the weekend and get ready for the week--no need to cook, super relaxed and our time together. Well, you don't go somewhere every week for years and not get to know, well everyone, in a restaurant. We are actually pretty good friends with the bartender. Mike plays golf with him, we BBQ with his family, pretty normal friend things. The problem is, I am pregnant, and our whole relationship with this person (and a few others) depends on beer consumption. Depends may be harsh, but it would definitely stand out if I just stopped drinking. We have even joked with him before that he would find out we were pregnant before most people. However, with all of the dangers with the baby lately, I really don't want to tell him about it until the second trimester. I don't want to tell anyone. But we still have to go to the bar and have dinner, it is our thing. So now I go and get a beer (I don't actually order it, I just sit down and it appears) and Mike secretly drinks it while drinking his. He has to drink twice a fast because otherwise it takes him too long to finish his, which looks suspicious too. Tonight his tactic was to take large gulps of mine when no one was looking. This made it look like I really liked my beer and resulted in a refill. So Mike had to down four beers in an hour, which cracks me up. Normally I am a little jealous that he can drink and I can't, but now it is that he HAS to drink, and I can't, which seems almost fair.

Return to the ER

Yesterday we went to the Great American Beer Festival for Mike's quarter century birthday. Yes, he is the baby, I try to not think about it most days. Anyway, aside from it being awesome for everyone who was not DD, I had a particularly uncomfortable day. As soon as we got to the festival, I noticed some spotting and increasingly severe cramping, which of course I looked up immediately on google. Essentially it said it is not a good thing, but it is common. Not normal, but not super critical. However, as the night progressed it went from spotting to actual bleeding. I was torn between telling Mike and ruining his evening and not telling, but as the night progressed it became clear to me that I wasn't going to be able to just ignore it. So, instead of staying out drinking all night and being DD for four drunk frat boys, I took them all home.

Of course, upon arrival at anywhere with an internet connection, I immediately looked up what first trimester bleeding could mean. The data was terrifying. First of all, 50% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage, usually in the first trimester. Now, this goes back to science actually making life suck. A lot of those happen in the first few days of pregnancy and it used to be that your "period" was just a few days late, when in actually conception happened but implantation went awry. However, not that you can find out you are pregnant 5 days sooner, you can also find out you miscarried 5 days sooner, which is to say at all. Moving on with the stats. About 20-30% of women bleed during the first trimester after you take out implantation bleeding, which happens to more like 50% of women. Some of the reasons are known, and some aren't, but 50% of women who bleed eventually miscarry. The reasons that are known also suck: miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, STDs, etc. By the middle of the night the bleeding was bad and Mike and I agreed I would go to the doctor in the morning.

So, after sobbing uncontrollably for a good hour I fell asleep. Kaiser opens at 8:00 on Saturdays and has an Urgent Care center at the Westminster office. I was so relieved that the ER was not my only option. So I called the emergency nurse to have a phone consult before my appointment. The nurse was helpful and walked me through a lot of information. At the end of the phone call, she told me to go, immediately, to the ER. She said not to drive and not to speed, but to get my husband to take me to the hospital and to arrive there within the hour. Her words were somewhere along the lines of, we don't know what is actually wrong, but if it is ectopic, it can be life threatening and we have to rule that out before we can do anything else. Terrifying. I woke Mike up and told him the news and we headed to the ER. Neither of us thought it was that severe, but essentially it is one of those things you have to do. Like an appendicitis, you don't put it off until Monday. So for the second time Mike took me to Good Samaritan where I answered all sorts of things that I have never said in front of another person before. Being pregnant really decreases privacy.

The doctor saw me, they took a crap ton of blood and took away my hot chocolate (so that if I did have to have surgery, I wouldn't be full). I love this hospital, and most of the people there, but I really didn't like my nurse because she didn't seem to have a clue. Like, she asked me if I had a tampon in. What? I am pregnant! Anyway. Also, the IV dude sort of sucked and used some sort of huge needle. I am not exaggerating. I told the nurse that it hurt and I told the doctor I didn't need the IV because I wasn't having a problem with liquids, but no luck, they left the bastard thing in the whole time.

Pretty soon I went to ultrasound to check for the location of the pregnancy. The x-ray tech is quite possibly my favorite person right now. They did belly ultrasounds, which was fine, but they couldn't see anything. Then came the totally awesome inter-vaginal ultrasound. Fun times. She took a ton of photos and told me she would explain them later. That is when I got the best news, she could show me exactly where the baby was in my uterus. At four weeks we could see it, actually 4 weeks and 5 days, which is exactly where I thought I was, which was awesome. Not much of a baby, just a small dark dot, but it was there. I also have a cyst on my ovary which makes it tender and can cause some cramping, but also raises my progesterone. She went through all the scans with us and talked to us. Apparently I have a Y shaped uterus, which is abnormal but not dangerous. So the baby nestled into one side of the Y and the other side of the Y could still be unaware that I am not pregnant and could be sloughing old cells like a normal period. It doesn't hurt the baby, but it can lead to bleeding throughout pregnancy. She was awesome. At the end she told us that she isn't actually supposed to tell me any of this, but often in the ER they don't go over it with you and you have to wait until you see you OBGYN to get any information. I am so glad she told me, because that is exactly what happened.

I went back to my room and had a pelvic exam (with Mike in the room, how is that for awkward) and a catheter to extract urine. Super fun times--apparently I have a small urethra. That shit hurts. Then we waited, and waited, and waited. Eventually they came in and told me my urine was fine and my ultrasound showed my pregnancy was in my uterus so it was safe. They also said my cervix was closed, which is good because it opens when there is impending miscarriage. All good. I did have an infection that I remember reading about, but they can't treat it until I am past my first trimester. It causes cramping in the lower abdomen. That was it. Nothing about my ultrasound or anything. I am SO GLAD the x-ray tech told me. The doctor told me that if I am going to have a miscarriage, I will have one. There is nothing they can do about it, and nothing I did to cause it, it just is. It is predestined genetically at this point. She told me could definitely still have one, but it is not impending nor guaranteed and I can carry the baby to term as far as my blood work and other tests are concerned. I have to back in to track my beta levels of hgc. Finally the shitty nurse took out my IV and informed me that indeed the needle was really big and that was why it hurt. No shit. I never actually had any fluid, just an empty IV for four hours. Regardless, the shitty nurse gave me my discharge papers BEFORE they got the results on my creepy infection, so my diagnosis was pregnancy. $100 for piece of mind was totally worth it.

It took me a long time to research the infection because I didn't know the name and I couldn't find it. It wasn't on my discharge paperwork because the shitty nurse wrote it up before I was actually discharged. Essentially it is from having the ph balance off, which is the result of pregnancy or an excess of semen which changes the ph. Whatever. It is essentially Mike's fault, but so is the baby, so I am good with it. :)

Who knows?

As of today, I am finishing my first month of pregnancy. One down, eight more to go, and to be fair, half of the first one doesn't even really count. So, who knows? Well, all of you. We have told my mom (I want to tell my dad in person, so that will be about 8-9 weeks), Millie, Rachel and I think Ella knows. Mike is telling his parents tomorrow--so that brings the count to 5 people and a dog. Oh, and everyone at my dentist office. I had to get my teeth cleaned today, this was scheduled two months ago, but I had to tell them I was pregnant because of X-Rays and other treatments. It was SO NICE to tell people. People are so into it. Everyone asked about the due date and if it was my first and on and on. It made it more real for me and it made it fun and happy instead of so scary. I am sure I will get over people asking as soon as I am showing, but for right now, it was awesome. We are waiting to tell siblings and other close friends and family until after the first trimester, or at least the first sonogram when we can hear the baby and make sure everything is okay. It will be a slow process of telling people because we both want to tell people in person. It is hard not to tell people.

EDIT: I am uploading pictures that I took months ago (I am 20 weeks now). I remember thinking that I looked so pregnant, and that everyone would know. I had even taken out my belly ring because my stomach was stretching and it itched and got caught on things. Although the baby was microscopic, I was bigger in these photos than I was prior to being pregnant, thanks to early pregnancy bloating. It is about the same as having a period for 3 months, with added nausea, in case anyone wanted to know.

Many more tests

It is actually November 27th, but I wanted this to be in a logical order and I just now downloaded all of these pictures, so I rigged the date on blogger. When I first took my pregnancy test I was all alone, on a Saturday morning, and Mike was out of town for the weekend playing army. I didn't want to tell him over the phone, especially because it was so light. I didn't tell anyone. I just walked the dog and then sat around all day trying to see if I felt any different. Then I went a bought a bunch more test. Then I took them all. Seriously people, just go with digital, some of these are impossible to read.

This one was the second one. I took it that afternoon. Do you see a second line? Yeah, not enough to be convinced though.

These ones I took next, the following morning, see digital is worth it:

Finally, I took one last one, after I had told Mike and everything. I was having some spotting and felt like I was getting my period, and well, I had it sitting there, so this was about a week later.

Is that a plus?

This morning I decided to take a pregnancy test. No particular reason, I just felt like it. I really didn't think I was pregnant, but I bought a three pack of tests and Millie turned me onto this site that sells them super cheap so I figured I would take one. I am not supposed to have my period until Monday (or maybe Wednesday, I had one month when I was two days late, inexplicably) so it was early anyway. Really, I think I was putting off walking the dog. This is what I got:
Is that a line? I can't really tell. I know I have read that a faint line is still a line, but really, that faint? It seems like it is too light for me. And Mike is out of town. I really want to ask someone about this, but I feel like Mike should know first. So I have to wait two more days before I can even ask someone.

I will obviously be taking a few more tests if this is how they look. Fuckers. They really can't make it easier than this? Anyway, I am super excited, but I am also really nervous because I am afraid I want it so much I am making up fake results. I know that if I start thinking I am pregnant, and then I am not, it will be more crushing that normal, and I am not sure I can take that. I am sort of in shock, and freaking out (not about being pregnant, about thinking I am and then not being). I want to try a digital test, but they are like $30, so I want to wait until next week, but on the same note, I really DON'T want to wait until next week. Fuck, I hate the army. I need Mike.

The pill

Not being on the pill sucks. Bad.

Clear, Blue, Pricey

No, I am not incubating yet. Well, I suppose I could be, but I don't think so, which I suppose is a good thing because it would be really irresponsible to drink three Rio margs, a few beers and a martini if I thought I was pregnant. On an irrelevant side note, I really do need to stop drinking so much. I went the first few months always thinking I was pregnant. Now I am always convinced I am not. Since moving into that state I must say I am right a lot more often.

I am, however, extremely frustrated. The frustration manifests itself into all sorts of other things, but essentially I am frustrated that I am not pregnant. This sometimes manifests into hating all teenagers, all religions, all babies, all pregnant women, all women on the pill, all women not on the pill and mostly into hating all people who get pregnant without trying. I find this an amusing phrase because not trying to me means not have unprotected sex, but apparently there are a lot of people out there that disagree and are surprised when unprotected sex results in a zygote. Because apparently not trying to them means...I don't know what. What does fucking trying mean?

Anyway, I digress. Frustration. All of the time. If one more fucking person tells me that everything happens for a reason I am going to shove scissors through his/her ears. This violent inclination also bleeds into people telling me that they are certain it will happen when the time is right. What the fuck? These are the same people who say the time is never right and if you wait for the right time you will never have a kid--because reasonably when is it good to gain 40 pounds, completely ruin a perfect body, halt a career and put more stress on a relationship (or marriage) than anything else possibly could? There is no right time people! Therefore, I will NOT get pregnant at the right time. Or when we are ready. Or when the universe decides it. Or when our relationship is ready. Or when we can handle it. Or when Allah wills it. Ojala my ass. (thank you Mr. Jenkins for explaining the etymology of Ojala in the Spanish language while learning the freaken subjunctive--it is quite suiting at the moment). We will get pregnant when scientifically sperm meets egg, embeds into uterine wall and develops a feeding system and heartbeat. Yes, Virginia, that is where babies come from.

This brings me to modern science. See there is this idea out there that to get pregnant you have to try. Obviously this is not true since teen pregnancy rates are not significantly decreasing. People get pregnant all the time without trying. With that being said, there are significant amounts of people like me out there, who depend on instant gratification and want a fetus NOW! So, they do what is called charting. They write down EVERYTHING to see if they can predict when they ovulate. See, pregnancy depends on ovulation, and you have a much higher chance of getting pregnant if you have sex during ovulation, although many people get pregnant outside of that time frame. This assumes that everything is medically okay other than timing. Theoretically you ovulate two weeks before your period, which is freaken awesome if you have a consistent period. Then it is just basic math. Luckily, I could create my own fucking calendar company based on my cycle so counting back two weeks should be easy. And it is. Except I am not pregnant. So either I do not ovulate on the day I think I do or something else is wrong. Lets hope it is ovulating on a different day, because that is much easier to fix that other issues. So, I have two options. Chart or pee. Charting entails writing down my basal body temperature every day and then looking back on it to see a spike (which only tells you after the fact that you ovulated) and keeping track of my cervical mucus. Sounds like super fun to me. The other way to dish out $50 and buy an over the counter ovulation predictor kit. Guess what one I chose? So now, for a month, I get to pee on a stick and see if I ovulate. If I do, yeah, have sex, make baby. If not, I will email my Dr. and say I know it has not been a year yet, but I am not ovulating. Maybe she will be in a good mood and see me or tell me what I can do to hurry along my ovulation cycle. If it says I am ovulating, and it is at the same time that I think it is, I will email her that. If I ovulate at a different time I suppose Mike and I will try to have a baby on that schedule for a few months and hope.

So, essentially I am heavily in the science part of baby making. I am not going to pray, or wait for the right time, or believe it happens for a reason. I am going to pee on a stick and see if I can manage a little smiley face and two weeks later a plus sign. In the meantime, I will try to not actually commit any violent crimes.


PS--Let's not forget how ridiculously expensive pregnancy tests are either--since those run about $7 a pop. That is a lot of money to pee on is all I am saying.

Dissappointed

There have been five times I could have been pregnant. I have taken pregnancy tests four out of those five times because I am neurotic and I cannot wait the seven hours to see (or I cannot do basic math like yesterday--when I thought I was late, but I was just reading the calendar wrong). I am not sure how many negative lines I can look at without going insane, and I don't ever have the patience to just wait and see. Here is to another month of being racked with guilt every time I drink and being so stressed that not drinking isn't really an option.

Blog Friends

So, I found a new blog that I love: Southern Munchkin. I feel a certain affinity for her, or them, or whatever. She comes from a family that generally waits to have children, so she feels young, as do I. She also feels overwhelmed by the entire Bump situation.

See, The Bump is this intense website that covers everything about babies and baby making. Everything. It also includes a ridiculous amount of community chat boards and since I am trying to make a baby I end up spending a lot of time on the trying to conceive boards. This is sort of an evil compulsion. I read and read and read. It leads to more obsession. A lot of people on these boards have more than 24 hours in a day or else super lax jobs because they spend a ridiculous amount of time on them. It is like the Farmville of baby making. I am not sure when they even have time to make a baby. Whatever. They also make baby making into a crazy science. They chart, and chart, and chart.

I keep track of when I should be ovulating and when I have sex. That is it, and it makes me insane anyway, because if we have sex every month when I ovulate and I am still not pregnant, WTF? It makes me nuts. However, these bumppies do way more charting. They take their temperature everyday and check all sorts of crazy thing. Whenever I read anything on these boards, the first response is ALWAYS "Well, are you charting? Join Fertility Friend and chart!" So I caved, convinced it would make me pregnant, and joined ff. I then received twenty lessons from the website about how to keep track of my body to know when you ovulate. This is the thing, I am pretty sure I know when I ovulate anyway (unless I simply don't ovulate--that is different though). I don't see why I would need 20 lessons on how to do it better. F. I just can't see how this is going to help.

Which brings me back to Southern Munchkin. She feels the same way, didn't do any of it, and got pregnant. Minus the getting pregnant part, I completely agree with all of it and am in the same place. I just hope I get pregnant soon, I think the stress of not being pregnant is making it harder to get pregnant. Until then, I will live vicariously through an anonymous blog.

I thought we were, but we are not. We are not ready for a baby. Apparently wanting something, and being able to do it, are not the same thing. Please let me like my new job.

ER Fun

On Sunday night I had to go to the ER. I tried all day to not go to Urgent Care and to just go to the doctor first thing on Monday, but I couldn't handle the immense pain and went to the hospital (coincidentally, it will be the same hospital that I will deliver the ever illusive baby). I felt like I was dying. Earlier in the day I had signs of a bladder infection. These are pretty regular with me, so I am good at self-diagnosis. However, as the night went on I grew really concerned. I felt like I had the worst cramps of my life mixed with one hell of a bladder infection. I was in tears it was so bad. I have no idea what could possibly cause pain like that. I tried looking it up online to no avail. I couldn't find anything about cramps that are two weeks too early and a bladder infection complication. Regardless, we arrived at the hospital where I was seen by a doctor that was younger than me (although awesome) who I told everything. Normally I am shy about such things, so either I am growing up or I was in too much pain to care, but I used anatomically correct body parts in front of my boyfriend to a doctor younger than me, and I didn't care. I guess it will be good practice when I actually have to give birth. I told Dr. Youngpants that I was trying to get pregnant (which totally explains the bladder infection feeling) so he said he would do a pregnancy test. I was (well, am) convinced that something was wrong with my baby parts, either there was a baby and something went wrong, or there still is a baby but something is wrong. I don't know. I just feel like there is, although I have no evidence or medical expertize and have never been pregnant. Dr. Youngpants only took a urine sample and said that I had a bacterial infection, diagnosed as a kidney infection (who the hell gets a kidney infection in less than 24 hours?!) and told me I wasn't pregnant. Here is the thing, it was only 5 days after my scheduled ovulation, and he didn't do a blood test. Can a hospital urine test really be that much better than an at home urine test? Because if so, they really need to work on making that available to everyone, since it is only urine. If not, can I still be pregnant? It is depressing enough to not be pregnant for sure for two weeks while trying and then spending two weeks waiting to test, but at this point it is 6 weeks in a row with a mere 5 days of thinking that I may be pregnant. Eff this whole thing, how the hell do teenagers get pregnant the first time they have sex while on birth control and I can't even get pregnant with intentional timing and charting and a kick ass sex life? Really?

Waiting

It is miserable to have to wait for a pregnancy test. I don't feel pregnant. Does that mean anything? Does anyone feel pregnant? I have read a ton of articles essentially saying that no one thinks that it is real until they 1) see the ultra sound, 2) feel the baby move, 3) give birth. That flat out sucks. I don't want to wait, and I want to be pregnant and I am stamping my feet about it. Urg, Urg, Urg!

Home is....

I have lived in Colorado for 10 years now. Almost exactly ten years. In that time I have graduated high school, college and earned two MAs. I have been married and divorced, lost my high school sweetheart, met numerous guys that didn't live up to any standards and finally found the man of my dreams. It took me probably five years to even call CO home. Colorado was simply where I lived, but NM was always home. Every time I came home to CO, particularly on an airplane, my stomach would clench and I would think, "No, no, I don't actually live here, right?" I would almost cry with dread as I realized that not only was a vacation over, but that I didn't even want to be home. It took me years to not ball every time I left NM, to not daydream about taking I-25 south on my way to work. But, as time went on, I found teaching. I love teaching, but it also made CO tolerable for me. The main reason was like-minded people. Teachers are liberal--not always in politics, but generally in life. They are service oriented. They are people oriented. They care about more than a job or a career. It made me love my job every day, which is something, that for me, is a necessity.

Now, why is this on a baby blog, rather than a normal blog? I went home for the 4th. I always go home for the 4th, in my family is a HUGE deal. There were 70 people there, on my family's land, camping, eating, talking. There were at least ten young teenage girls: best friends, inseparable and devoted to each other. There were a dozen kids and an equal amount of toddlers and babies. That was my life. I had the privilege to grow up not worried about friends; who needs friends when you have that many cousins? I always had someone to talk to, to hang out with, to listen. There was always an adult to trust and always a cup of coffee to drink with someone. Lonely doesn't happen in NM. Not if you are a Shearer. There is a built in support system that Facebook and email can't replace. There are babysitters when you need one, someone to help build a fence--or hell a house, someone to give you a ride and nowadays someone to lobby congress for you--I am not exaggerating. My third and fourth cousins are almost like sibling, we grew up together. Their kids are like nieces and nephews. And then there were always the CO cousins.

We liked them, they were novel. They lived in cities with malls, had nice clothes, went to sports games. We hung on every word they said and argued about who was closer when they left. But, there weren't part of us. I would assume they are more like normal cousins in a close family. When I moved to CO I thought my CO cousins had the same thing as my NM cousins did. That on weekends they hung out, went to parties or had dinner together. That their kids would grow up together. But they don't. In fact, I saw them more when I lived in NM--I guess novelty goes both ways. So now, as I attempt to approach motherhood, I look at that for my child. Will they be the kid who is novelty, who all the cousins adore and love, but don't know? The one that just isn't ever going to fit in? The one that will actually need friends? I don't mean that as a bad thing necessarily. Friends are good and god knows I love mine, but they don't replace family. Can I ensure that they will have it, because I can't go back to NM now.

Ahhh

This may make you sick, that is the warning, but it is my blog so I don't care. Don't read this if you are not in a very happy place, or else you may want to kill me.

So, we are trying to make a baby. Everyone who reads this is an adult, I think, so I am assuming we all know what that means and entails and that we are all okay with it. If not, again, my blog, peace out. I, uh, really like "making babies" in general. In fact, it is good for me to be in a committed relationship because otherwise I tend to compete with Tucker Max or Chelsea Handler. If you don't know who they are, look them up, they wrote books about "making babies" except hopefully with birth control. For my whole life I have looked for the right guy, possibly too hard and in many wrong places. Hell, I married an obviously wrong choice and convinced myself it was a good idea, even though everyone, myself included (and him too) knew it was not. One problem with the wrong guy is that the "making babies" part sucks. Well, not at first, which leads us in a circle back to Max and Handler, because novelty does have a place in all of this. The problem for me is that novelty generally runs out around month eight. That is not very long when you are 28 years old. Novelty evolves into mundane, which leads to frustration, discontentment, resentment and eventually complete dissatisfaction. That has been my personal experience. Day 1 = okay, day 5 = perfect, month 8 = completely over it. I thought that is just how it was. Enter perfect boyfriend. Year 2 and we are still around day 5, at least for me and I hope for him.....Uh, this post wasn't actually supposed to be about this, I somehow got caught up in this and think that when this blog goes live I will need to lock this entry (right now it is unsearchable, so unless someone knows the EXACT url address, they can't find it, and it doesn't scroll on blogger's list so random people won't find it). I am not sure perfect boyfriend really wants this made public. Regardless, yes, day five and staying, even though we are in year 2.

So, what this was really supposed to be about....the other night we were in bed, watching tv and PBF kissed me (in the baby making way, which is why the post started that way). I instantly got butterflies. Like the kind you get in middle school when the boy you like holds your hand or when you get asked to prom. Two years, committed relationship, making babies and I still get butterflies. I didn't know that sort of love existed--the kind where you can love someone long term, but have it not be ordinary or expected.