Home is....

I have lived in Colorado for 10 years now. Almost exactly ten years. In that time I have graduated high school, college and earned two MAs. I have been married and divorced, lost my high school sweetheart, met numerous guys that didn't live up to any standards and finally found the man of my dreams. It took me probably five years to even call CO home. Colorado was simply where I lived, but NM was always home. Every time I came home to CO, particularly on an airplane, my stomach would clench and I would think, "No, no, I don't actually live here, right?" I would almost cry with dread as I realized that not only was a vacation over, but that I didn't even want to be home. It took me years to not ball every time I left NM, to not daydream about taking I-25 south on my way to work. But, as time went on, I found teaching. I love teaching, but it also made CO tolerable for me. The main reason was like-minded people. Teachers are liberal--not always in politics, but generally in life. They are service oriented. They are people oriented. They care about more than a job or a career. It made me love my job every day, which is something, that for me, is a necessity.

Now, why is this on a baby blog, rather than a normal blog? I went home for the 4th. I always go home for the 4th, in my family is a HUGE deal. There were 70 people there, on my family's land, camping, eating, talking. There were at least ten young teenage girls: best friends, inseparable and devoted to each other. There were a dozen kids and an equal amount of toddlers and babies. That was my life. I had the privilege to grow up not worried about friends; who needs friends when you have that many cousins? I always had someone to talk to, to hang out with, to listen. There was always an adult to trust and always a cup of coffee to drink with someone. Lonely doesn't happen in NM. Not if you are a Shearer. There is a built in support system that Facebook and email can't replace. There are babysitters when you need one, someone to help build a fence--or hell a house, someone to give you a ride and nowadays someone to lobby congress for you--I am not exaggerating. My third and fourth cousins are almost like sibling, we grew up together. Their kids are like nieces and nephews. And then there were always the CO cousins.

We liked them, they were novel. They lived in cities with malls, had nice clothes, went to sports games. We hung on every word they said and argued about who was closer when they left. But, there weren't part of us. I would assume they are more like normal cousins in a close family. When I moved to CO I thought my CO cousins had the same thing as my NM cousins did. That on weekends they hung out, went to parties or had dinner together. That their kids would grow up together. But they don't. In fact, I saw them more when I lived in NM--I guess novelty goes both ways. So now, as I attempt to approach motherhood, I look at that for my child. Will they be the kid who is novelty, who all the cousins adore and love, but don't know? The one that just isn't ever going to fit in? The one that will actually need friends? I don't mean that as a bad thing necessarily. Friends are good and god knows I love mine, but they don't replace family. Can I ensure that they will have it, because I can't go back to NM now.