Baby Don't Cry

I recently read an article about a Harvard study on responding to infants crying. Again, parenting is a parent's decision, but it is nice to have science back me up instead of just saying a feels right. Babies do not need to cry, ever, or get used to being alone. That is for convenience and American norms, which is fine, but it is not for the baby's good.

"Instead of letting infants cry, American parents should keep their babies close, console them when they cry, and bring them to bed with them, where they'll feel safe, according to Michael L. Commons and Patrice M. Miller, researchers at the Medical School's Department of Psychiatry..."Parents should recognize that having their babies cry unnecessarily harms the baby permanently," Commons said. "It changes the nervous system so they're overly sensitive to future trauma."
check it out here

"Recent scientific tests have revealed that babies left to cry-it-out have been found to have higher levels of stress hormones in their brains. This hormone becomes toxic at high levels, causing damage to the developing infants."
 and here

The Planning

I spend a ridiculous amount of time planning how I will reintroduce dairy, eggs and wheat in 11 days. Planning, fantasizing, same diff. Like, should I start with milk and get a venti latte at starbucks followed by a trip to cold stone? Or should I start with wheat and make a pasta dinner with french bread? See, if I start with wheat I get no butter on my bread, but if I start with dairy I get no brownies in my ice cream. Maybe I should start with eggs, then dairy and then hit the jackpot with french toast!Or maybe I should just make the best cake ever....with ice cream. Or strawberry short cakes....or brownies...oh man, the possibilities are endless.

3 months

I think three months is when you stop counting the weeks and move into months. It is just too confusing for the rest of the world that 12 weeks is not 3 months. So we will just do "a little over three months" or whatever. Anyway, in three days X you really are three months old.

This month has been an amazing journey. I feel like you have changed so much, which is heartbreaking and rewarding simultaneously. I am sure your brain and development were just as strong in the first two months of life outside, but for those watching you, month three has been the most noticeable. I loved the baby you were, but I adore the little boy you are today. You are so much fun. You smile and laugh, you play and occupy yourself if I need you to, but you still love to snuggle and sleep in my arms. You hold my hand when you sleep and "kiss" me (essentially wipe your open mouth across my cheek and giggle). You love to sit up and play. Your favorite song is ba ba black sheep and you will just laugh when I sing it. I just know I will miss this time when I am your absolute favorite toy. You never want to be put down, but you will tolerate it. I dread the day when you tell me to put you down so you can play alone.

This month was a big one. We went to Kansas where you were a huge hit. Your great grandparents loved you of course, but you were a HUGE fan of great grandpa Jim. You, like always, were a happy baby and just smiled and laughed at everyone. You actually slept quite well in the hotel. The only issue was the car, which you hated, but to be fair we stuck you in a car seat for 20 hours out of 96 hours--and that doesn't count all of the driving around in Kansas.

When we got back from Kansas your dad had to go to Iowa for two weeks (it ended up being 10 days). That is when you and I really learned how to make our life work. Being a single parent is not something I ever want to do, but I can do it. We made it. Dad still isn't home for more than an hour when you are awake, but that will change in another week. You are a little reserved around your dad now, but you will get over it soon.

On the other hand grandma Roberta spent a lot of time with us and you love her. She is your favorite person to sleep on and she can always calm you down, which is almost never needed. We go grocery shopping together, or to the mall, or for a walk, and you love all of it.

You also really like Sophie the giraffe, your play mat and rocking chair and a bug that vibrates. You mostly like anything soft and love to have baby massages or your face tickled. You are incredible strong and like to stand up and wave your arms about very similarly to godzilla. You can sit unassisted for a short period of time, but if I lean you back you spend every second trying to do crunches to sit up. You are becoming very independent and active. Plus, you are a talker, we have entire conversations and while your dad was away you talked to him every night on the phone.

I just love you so much little man, I love the age that you are and I am so scared of you growing up too fast. Happy 3 month birthday.

The things I do for love

There are few things in the world I love more than ice cream. Half and half being one of them, followed by hot, fresh, white bread with Irish butter, followed by X. I love him more than my morning coffee and more than butter. Which is crazy because when I was a baby my mom caught me eating a stick of butter dipped in sugar. That is how much I love this little boy. Which is good, because I have to give up ALL OF THAT.

 Hopefully not for forever. At least for two weeks. See, X has been having some health issues. Nothing serious, but he has eczema (on his butt of all places, which is really, really rare and causes diaper rash issues) and another skin rash on his torso. He also seems to have some sort of allergy that causes his eyes to be swollen and look tired all the time, plus he is congested a lot. I thought it was just him getting used to being in the world and not in my belly, but apparently not. I guess a lot of that sounds like a food allergy. And since all of his food comes from me, that means I am giving him the allergy. Now, they can test for milk protein allergies in a baby, but that is all. I don't want him having allergy tests this young so we are going the other route--I will stop eating the five most allergy inducing foods, then add them back one by one and see if any of them cause a reaction. I guess it can take up to a week for some foods to leave my system, and another week for him, so for two full weeks I am not eating anything with wheat, dairy, eggs, peanuts or fish. Did I mention that is EVERYTHING I EAT. I don't eat a lot of meat or grains, and I do eat a lot of fresh produce--but I eat it with yogurt, or cheese, or a cookie. Hell, I can't have granola bars or goldfish crackers or even gluten free health food because it has freaken dairy or eggs in it. It is seriously ridiculous. No beer :( No eating out :( No ice cream. Then I get to reintroduce it, wait at least 48 hours and see what happens. If nothing happens I can keep eating it, if not it is off my plate for the next 21 months. Damn that is a long time. So today I had an almond butter and jam sandwich on gluten free bread, some fruit, some cinnamon graham cookie things that have a distinct aftertaste similar to carob (puke) and quinoa and amaranth mixed with sauteed zucchini and cabbage. And a shit ton of almonds. And two Larabars. And I am still starving because all I want is the damn little debbie oatmeal cookie sandwich that I bought before I knew I couldn't eat it.
12 more days to go. I can do this, but fuck X, if you could stop depriving me of things that would be great, you already took over my sleep, my body and my bed. Leave the damn icecream alone.

A little bit of positive thinking

Seeing as it is breastfeeding awareness month, I figured I would take a break from bitching and actually write something positive. Don't worry, my "feel sorry for me blog" will be back soon. I still don't love breastfeeding, but I do have a new appreciation for it, so here are the 10 things I do actually like about it, in no particular order, because really, how do you rank superiority and the health of your child?

1. X is super healthy. He is huge and no one can say I feed him too much, because you can't over feed a breastfed baby, whereas if he was formula fed everyone would be concerned.
2. I don't ever have to make, transport or wash bottles. Seriously, a crying baby while you wait for the water to heat up, asking a waiter for a mug of hot water or cleaning a bottle you found in the couch a week later. No thank you. Plus, it is always with me. No running out here.
3. We cloth diaper. Breastfed poop is WAY better than formula poop.
4. My boobs are huge. Useless for sex, but at least enticing.
5. I can calm X down immediately.
6. When anyone, for any reason, suggests that I start solids early, or give juice, or water, or whatever, I can pull up a million sources saying breastmilk is the super food--no supplementation needed.
7. I don't need to research the quality of his food, or getting the right nutrients, or vitamins or anything. I have WAY more time to shop online for yoga clothes, as I did this morning.
8. I have lost all but 7 pounds of my baby weight, and there was a shit ton of that.
9. I can smuggly say to anyone that I breastfed and it was hard and I did it anyway, so suck it up and do it too :) Plus, I can tell anyone that I sacrificed for my baby and what did they do? Huh? Yeah, that is what I thought.
10. I get to go to meetings about breastfeeding. Seriously, I love it.
11. ooooh, I actually have 11-- I can buy clothes with the excuse that I really need them.

Okay, X wants in on this action, time to nurse for the gazillionth time.

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You raise your kid, I'll raise mine

I'm really sick of unsolicited advice, or flat out criticism. I'm not sure if its lack of sleep, hormones, motherly instincts or just plain bitchiness, but fuck people, SHUT UP! The thing is, I am not an idiot, in fact I am chronically well informed--I have a compulsive need to know, well, everything. So, unless you are a doctor, no scratch that, unless you are MY doctor, leave your opinions out, because that is what they are, opinions, because you are not an expert either. Honestly, I don't give a damn how many kids you've raised, how you fed your children, what worked for you and I damn well don't give a shit what your opinions are of how I raise mine. That is why he is MINE. Go raise your own! If you ask me how my son sleeps and I say he still wakes 2-3 times a night to eat that doesn't mean I want your "fix" because it isn't broken. Breastfed babies don't sleep through the night until 6 months to 1 year usually. Oh, and sleeping through the night is defined as 5-6 hours. Me saying I'm tired is just a fact, parenting, especially single parenting, is exhausting. It just is, that is why I took a year off, so I could raise my baby.

I'm just over it. I very consciously raise my son, it isn't an accident. Do I think people who make other choices are going to do severe damage to their kids? No. I really don't, but I'm still not doing it. Parenting choices are for parents. I choose to co-sleep, exclusively breastfeed, let X self-wean, cloth diaper, carry and play with my son all day and never hit him, EVER. I don't choose to let him cry, put him down if I don't need to or clean my house daily. I don't know any 16 who still sleeps with his or her parents, breastfeeds or is completely codependent. The research says attachment parenting leads to dependent, confident, inquisitive children. But more than that, it doesn't even matter, because it is my choice. I have to live with it, and letting my son cry or giving him rice cereal so he'll sleep better is not what I believe is best for him, and I can't live with not doing what I think is best for him. I also can't live with regretting not holding him more, or playing with him, or soothing him as soon as possible, but I can live with dog hair, dust and dishes. If you can't, then don't. But fucking stop telling me what I should do. And if anyone, ever, for any reason hits my kid (spanking, flicking, tapping--however you justify it) they won't see him. I don't care why, or how much you believe it is right or what your relationship is to him.

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Tit for Tat

X boycotted all substantial naps yesterday. To be fair, we helped because we kept taking him places. But honestly, the longest nap he took was 30 minutes at about 11:00, so I was hoping he'd sleep well. At 9:30 he finally went to sleep and slept on my chest until 12:30 when I went to bed. I just took him with me because I really just wanted to get to sleep since on a good night he'd wake up at 2:30 to eat (5 hours being the longest he's ever slept, and doing that like 5 times total) and I figured it would be more like 1:00. To my surprise he woke, extremely pissed and convinced I was starving him, at 4:30!! So I fed him, and we went back to bed. At 6:30 I awoke and looked down at my little snuggle bug who was curled up next to me with his little mouth open licking my bra. It was actually really cute, and I wish I had mastered side-lying nursing. Figuring he was hungry, I mean what more do you want in a cue, I got up. OH MY GOD. My boob hurt so fucking much, it was like shooting pain every time I moved and it literally was the size of a melon. My bed had this huge milk leak circle under where I was laying and X wasn't even hungry, he was just licking my bra because it was drenched in milk. He was probably snacking like that all night. Now I really feel like a cow. So I got up and fed him anyway, although he really didn't eat, just laid there while milk flowed freely into his mouth and then fell asleep and I still had a melon sized boob that ached. So now I am blogging and pumping away. So my delightful son got some solid sleep, I however, am up before him anyway. Damn it, I should have just gone to bed at 9:00 too, then I would have gotten some kick ass sleep so that I could deal with my engorgement.