Best Idea Ever

Putting the pack and play in the living room. X is not a huge fan of sleeping in his swing, I think it is too confining. He will do it for about 30 minutes, but then he wakes up cranky. I think he likes to stretch. Right now little man is asleep in the bassinet part of the pack n play though, all stretched out and happy, and I am blogging and drinking coffee, success!

Lately I have been only blogging about X, well, he is sort of all I do. Someone said the other day that they don't feel like a stay at home mom, they feel like an unemployed bum who happens to have a baby. I sort of feel that way. I also feel super bored and overwhelmed simultaneously. I don't think I am cut out for this staying home business. I just need more mental stimulation, and going to the zoo or park or mall, while better than staying home, just doesn't replace the insane amount of mental processing that teaching requires. Teaching is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I miss it. Even though it is still summer break, I miss planning for next year, I miss my kids, I miss my colleagues. I love my son more than anything in the world, and I wouldn't want it any other way (there is no way I could take him to a daycare now), but sometimes it is just too much. Too much nothing. What did I do today? I worried about runny poop, I breastfed, I looked at facebook every ten minutes because I can do it one handed on my phone. I just don't love staying home, or going to the zoo, or really being a dairy cow. I love his smile and seeing him learn and do more everyday, and when (if) we have another one I want to take a year off, but really, how do people do this ALL THE TIME!

On the bright side, breastfeeding is WAY better. Like, I can totally do it. As soon as I stopped using the lanolin and switched to the other stuff I got so much better. Now I only use the other stuff when I pump or when X cluster feeds. It still hurts some, and I get crazy pinching/shooting pains inside, like where my rib cage is under my boobs, but not too bad. I don't have to take ibuprofen anymore. Seriously, it is better. For anyone reading this and struggling, it took more than two months, but it really is okay. Just think of it as the 4th trimester of pregnancy (yes, I know that is stupid) and the worst one. No sleep, painful breast, ridiculous mood swings--but a really awesome baby. I still miss feeling like my boobs are sexy. I am not sure I ever will again, or that Mike will, since the other day they were leaking all over the place as I was getting dressed and he was sitting right there. Oh bother. I guess they are made for feeding my son, not for sex, but boy would it be nice to use them for sex.

Speaking of which, I got my IUD the other day. I was so prepared for it to hurt. And it didn't. At all. I didn't even know it happened. Granted, X was screaming so I was distracted, but honestly the part that hurt the most was the damn jacking open of my vagina. Yeah, once again, MY BLOG.  I had cramping afterwards for a few days, but nothing worse than my period other than that X likes to kick me right where I was cramping and that sucked. Some bleeding for a few days and now 99% effective birth control for 10 years!! Whoo hoo. No pills, no condoms, no hormones. Just toxic copper to kill Mike's sperm. Awesome. Now we can commence intimate activities. That is if I can get X out of our bed. 

However, Mike is leaving for two weeks. Gulp. I manage now pretty well, but he comes home from work and holds the baby. We talk. We go for walks. He is usually my only adult interaction. And now he will be gone for two solid weeks. I realize people single parent, and spouses get deployed, and people have worse, much worse, than I do. But, I didn't sign up for any of that. I met someone who would never abandon his son, who makes enough money for me to stay home, and unfortunetly still has a year left on his military contract. I just didn't realize how hard two weeks alone would be. A few years ago I went to Cali for vacation and Mike kept Ella. He had to get up every day and walk her. After the first week he called to tell me how much it sucked to get up every day and walk her without a break. I had been doing that for about 6 months, but never said anything because she was my dog. He realized how bad it was and from then on always walked her when he worked nights and when he was off at least one day so that I could sleep. Now I have X and he can't get up with him and feed him, but I assure you it sucks just as much. Mike is awesome with Ella now, he walks her pretty much every day that he works. When he is off I try to leave X in bed with him and walk her if X is willing. That way my boys can sleep in since I usually can't because of X anyway. Or I will take both of them. The thing is, I can't have a break, ever. Being a mom is just different than being a dad, at least if you breastfeed. Anyway, now I have to walk the dog and take care of X. I can't just leave him in bed. Or take the dog out in the evening when Mike gets home. Nope, it will be get up, feed X, put him in a carrier (our stroller is broken) take the dog out, come home, make coffee, bathe X, put him down for a nap (hopefully), get a quick shower (hopefully), feed X, try to eat something, try to run errands or do chores, feed X, carrier, walk dog, try to eat something, feed X, try to do some chores or laundry, feed X, walk dog, feed X, bed. For two weeks. And then Mike gets back and goes to work. Oh well, at least I won't be walking the dog all the time.

First Pro Sport

On Thursday we went to the Rockies game to celebrate John and Kara's upcoming nuptials. I thought it was a fun way to spend the day and Otto was going to be there too. I was wrong. There are many reasons why taking an 8 week old to a Rockies game is a bad idea. Foremost, Coors Field is in LoDo. There is NO parking in LoDo, ever. So we parked about 10 blocks away for the price of $20. I loaded X into the Ergo and traipsed across Denver in 95 degree weather. That is reason number too, Denver is HOT in the summer. Like really hot. Strapping a 14 pound baby in a black carrier to my chest was brilliant. Then there is the issue of X and noise. He doesn't care for it. The game had HORRIBLE umping, so there was a lot of yelling and he got upset. He also didn't nap. Mostly because he was probably hungry. Why? Because breastfeeding is hard for me. Breastfeeding in sunlight in 95 degree weather in the upper stands of Coors Field was almost impossible and X was not having it. He just wouldn't, or maybe couldn't, do it. So we spent the rest of the evening nursing and sleeping in the cool of the house. He went to sleep finally around 6:00 and didn't get up until 8 the next morning, just waking to nurse every 2 hours. It just wasn't fun. Maybe if Mike was there too it would have helped, because by the time we left, only 2 hours after finally getting into the stadium (will call gave my ticket to someone else, no idea how that happened but it took an extra 30 minutes to just get the fuck inside) we walked back to the car. But X would not go into the Ergo, so I had to carry him, facing out, all the way back to the car, which was parked outside the Rescue Mission which I think serves dinner at 6:00, it was almost 5:00 so the line was already forming. Awesome. Maybe next year....

New pics

Just some photos from week seven

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8 Weeks

Another almost month. Really, why can a month not just be for weeks? Anyway, X you have been here for 8 weeks and in that time you have completely changed me and dad's lives. Dad has gone back to work more than full time so that I can stay home with you which is awful, but it makes it possible for me to stay home with you, and we both believe that is the most important. You stayed alone with dad for quite a few hours so that I could go to the doctor, and you cried the whole time. Thanks for showing dad how difficult you can be sometimes. Overall though, even with that day, you are a happy baby. You don't really like tummy time anymore, but prefer to sit up and check out the world. You are also opposed to being carried facing inwards as you would rather check out the world. Recently you have discovered toys and love a little cloth monkey and a peacock with different textures and colors. More than anything you love a monkey mobile that is a complete piece of junk. You have a very nice, expensive mobile that you sometimes like, but the monkeys, they are SO funny. You just laugh and laugh at them. You spend most of your day smiling at me, laughing, making faces and practicing sticking out your tongue. You grow a lot and fast, but in the last week have slowed down. You currently weigh 13 pounds and 7 ounces, 4 pounds more than when you were born. You are 23 inches long. This puts you in the very large, over 90th percentile reading. Today you got two shots, a DTaP and a HIB. You cried for a minute and then stopped when daddy held you. I think it was harder for me than you. As I write this you are in your rocking chair, playing with your peacock and laughing at me. You still dislike socks, but you hate being cold, so we make you wear them. Everyone who meets you loves you and you get lots of compliments from strangers. You are such a happy baby and just want attention. I could sit all day and just play with you. Well, that is what I do most days. I still have not figured out how to put you down and take a shower, but I am sure I will get there. I just love you so much little man.

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Bathroom Remodel

My very good fried Millie just went through a bathroom remodel, of the only full bathroom in her house. I can commiserate with this since we did it last summer. Thank god X did not exist yet. Although this was last year, and not baby related at all, I am still posting it here so that Millie can see it :)

One day last July Mike was playing video games and heard an odd dripping noise. After some investigation he realized it was coming from the ceiling, directly below the shower that I was currently in. This was way (the picture is taken upwards from our living room of a broken pipe in the subfloor).








This is how ugly it was before. I wish I had a picture of it before we ripped it out, it was hideous anyway.














During the rip out--Mike did almost all of this part, I am a wuss. 

 This hole in the floor from where the pipe broke. We had to fix it from the bathroom so we had to take out the floor, the subfloor and then put it back in. Thank god Mike is handy, and that Home Depot offers credit cards.

 Instead of doing water resistant drywall, we went with cement board. Why? It doesn't rot. Ever. It is heavy and expensive, but it is cement. Totally worth it. The previous water resistant drywall was so rotted it was disgusting, and neither of us ever wanted to deal with it again.

Then I started to tile. PITA. I did all of the tile. I am pretty impressed with myself. Mike makes things stable and safe, I make them pretty :)

 I even tiled the floor, which was a huge pain in the ass because we chose large tiles and had to cut a lot of them. Cutting tile sucks. Mike did that part. We also picked white tile, we have a black dog. In retrospect it was a poor decision.

 All done!

Adventures in Baby Wearing

I will post later, I just want to get some photos up!

 

6 weeks

It is sort of a blur. We did something I'm sure. X fell asleep on his own for the first time. That's all I got. Oh, and he is interested in mobiles now. Let's just do pics.

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Appreciation

Since having X there are quite a few things that I am grateful for, that either didn't impact me before him, or I took for granted.

I am really grateful for ADA (American's with Disabilities Act). It ensures that there are elevators, ramps, huge bathroom stalls and automatic door openers in most public places. I am not sure about the specifics, but it makes my life so much easier.
Speaking of bathroom stalls, I am so grateful for them because it is honestly easier to go to bathroom in public than at home since I can just take him with me and not worry about him or Ella.
I LOVE Flatiron's Mall--it has new parent parking and a nursing lounge, I go there once a week just to get out of the house.
My cousin Amy. She has been a life saver. I call her with anything about X or me. She has come over to the house to help me breastfeed, taught me how to use baby carriers and generally just let me hang out with her. I idolized her when I was a kid, so having it now is pretty amazing.
Crockpots--I am not a big crockpot cooking person. In fact, I generally think it is gross. But I can make my family dinner because I have one. So once a week I use it and am getting better at figuring out recipes that are not so high in sodium and processed materials.
Kindle on my phone--I have a Kindle, it has some issues, but even if it worked properly having the app on my phone is amazing. I can read all the time now. I still need two (well three really) hands to breastfeed X, but after he eats he needs held upright so he doesn't spit up his entire meal and then after I change him he needs rocked back to sleep. It takes about 45 minutes each time he is up--15 minutes to eat, 15 minutes upright, diaper change and then 15-30 minutes until he is back asleep, so I lose anywhere from 1-1.5 hours of sleep every time he gets up (which last night was every two hours). However, I can read for at least 30 minutes of that (if I am not falling asleep).
Super stores--If I didn't hate Wal-Mart I would be all about it. Getting groceries, fabric, baby supplies, clothes and who knows what else would be amazing, since getting baby in and out of the car is the hardest thing.
Drive-through anything, but particularly Starbucks, I just wish there were healthier drive through restaurants, or place you could call and order, then drive through.
Text messaging--talking on the phone is almost impossible, texting is so much easier because you can do it at your pace. If the baby is screaming I just wait. Plus I can text, shush or sing and bounce all at the same time.

Venting

Warning, this post will have lots of expletives and general complaining as well as a pity party for me. If you aren't game, peace the fuck out.

So, breastfeeding....it was going better. Great, no. Enjoyable, far from. But just another thing I did that I didn't really like, yes. Sort of like waxing my eyebrows, but 12 times a day (speaking of which, I REALLY need to do something about my unibrow). I had gotten to the point where I was like, hey, I can do this for a year.

Then BAM. What happened? I don't fucking know, but something happened. All of the sudden my normal super boob started hurting like hell. No idea why. It happened the same time I switched from Lansinoh to Nuk breast pads, but I have no idea if there is a connection. Needless to say, I don't use the Nuk ones anymore. It felt like there was a splinter in my nipple, it ached sort of all the time, but if ANYTHING touched it it became much more painful. Well, nipples are sort of touching something all the time. Since then (about a week, maybe two) it has gotten worse. When I first looked it at I couldn't see anything wrong, but over the week the tissue on the very front of my nipple has been deteriorating, getting sucked off, fuck I don't know, but there is a gulley that runs down the front of my nipple. Painful as fuck. Well, I decided to pump instead last week.

Pumping was awesome, it felt so good to get all of the milk out. But whoa, my boob freaked the fuck out and went on hyper drive and made so much milk I got engorged. My nipple wasn't even pliable. It hurt so bad. So I went back to breastfeeding, the break didn't help at all. In fact, it hurt more to feed X after my 24 hour hiatus than it did before. But we went on. Then yesterday I couldn't take it anymore and I made an appointment with another lactation consultant. This will be my official 4th appointment. It is on Friday. FUCK. I have to feed my kid until then.

And that is the fucking  nonsense with breastfeeding. You can't just take a break. You have to feed or pump, if you don't, your milk will go away or you will get engorged, or both. I can't just give him frozen milk for a day, I still have to pump.

And pumping hurts more than feeding him. I have no idea why. It hurts my nipple which makes no sense since nothing is touching it, I feel like I have a bruise where my skin meets my areola and I get shooting pains up into my breast. After I am done it aches for hours, literally. As an added benefit, starting last night, when I pump I get close to nothing. Last night I barely got 3.5 ounces, that is after getting over 6 the week before. Then this morning, less than 1 ounce. Fuck, I can't even feed him that. And now he is resisting eating on that side.

So I think I have a clogged milk duct which is why I can't feed him or pump. I found some very small bumps, so I have been massaging them. What is the cure of clogged milk ducts? Pumping and feeding and warm showers. FUCK.

Okay, I am done now. I am tempted to call WIC and get formula and say FUCK ALL THIS SHIT. But it is the last thing I have, I don't want to give it up. It is the only thing I can give X right now and I feel like a horrible, incapable parent that I can't do it.

Things I wanted...

Having a baby changes everything. Yes I knew that before I had one, and yes it is completely worth it, but holy shit. Just saying.

It seems that x's purpose in life is to prove me wrong, repeatedly. I wanted a natural birth, nope. I wanted to love breastfeeding, nope. And now its cloth diapers. I LOVE cloth diapers. Love them. They're cute and healthy and better for the environment. Kids potty train sooner and have less rashes. Plus the money-we're talking thousands in savings. Yet my wonderful little boy has had three rashes in his five weeks of life. We re-washed everything, started using different detergent in our machine to prevent build up, tried each type of diaper individually to see what caused it and yet he has another rash. Wtf? I put him in 7th generation disposable so that I can use rash cream but they're so expensive.

I've been writing this post for over a week so I'm giving up and just postings it.

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